Worth The Risk

Dear Readers,

I sincerely hope that you enjoy reading this. It is truly a love story, so please hunker down and strap yourself in for some serious reading. For those of you who just like a quick romp, I'd like to apologize in advance and advise that maybe you try something new. It is always a joy for me to be able to express myself through my stories and any comments, constructive or otherwise, are greatly appreciated.

~M

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Being gay is not something that I have let anyone know about. The only person that I told was my best friend. He shocked me by admitting that he had been having fantasies about guys and figured that he was gay too. We fooled around in experimentation, but didn't go too far. For some reason we just weren't attracted to each other like that; we were like brothers.

This brings me to my brother. Maybe I should give out some names and descriptions before I go on though. I'm John, 5'9", 175lbs, lightly muscled, and brown eyed. Right now, my hair is dyed black from my usual brown and I've got a streak of green going through the middle. It's a spiky combed look that is short in places with a mock bang. Think of something like the lead singer of Fall Out Boy. Very Chic.

My brother, James, looks like me in a toned down traditional good boy sort of way. He's five years older than my 21, and about four inches taller than I am. He looks like an amplified version of me but his hair grows shaggily around his ears.

My best friend, Johnathan, yeah I know it's weird, all theses J's. People see us and call us John-John. Anyway, he's even more outlandish than I am. I almost couldn't remember that his hair is honey blond because it hasn't been that color since we were in tenth grade. His vibrant blue eyes often offset his dark look that he's created. He often looks a little Goth, but it's a toned down version. He's about my height, we're the same age, but he's a bit slimmer than I am.

Now back to my brother. He also has a best friend, Rick. I've always wondered if they were gay but I never wanted to think about it too much. Johnny and I often talked about my brother and Rick. We were both shocked to find out that he liked my brother and I had a huge crush on Rick. Rick, for lack of a better word was just beautiful.

He had the most soulful light brown almost amber eyes that seemed to just pop against his tanned caramel skin. He was taller than all of us at 6'3", and he was smooth without that ripped work-out too much physique. I didn't mind that Johnathan mooned over my brother because it always made me think of Rick.

As of now, I was waiting for J, that's what I call Johnathan, to get to my house so we could go to the movies. We were going to see "Bee Movie". Hey don't judge, we see almost every movie that comes out and Seinfeld is one funny mug. Anyway, I heard J chug up in his old geo prizm, horrible car, but it got us from point A to B.

I walked out shaking my head as I always did. "Dude when are you gonna get another car? This one's worse than shit." As I walked to the passenger side, he unlocked the door telling me that my Toyota corolla wasn't much better and it sucked that I had to agree.

We rode mostly in silence, each lost in our own thoughts. I was thinking about my brother and Rick. Something that was never far from my mind. If they were indeed lovers then that would be the end of my fantasies and J's as well. However, many people had mistaken J and I as the same thing and I knew that wasn't the case.

I didn't have the guts to go to Jamie and ask him partly because I didn't want to know the answer if it recognized my fears, and mostly because he didn't even know I was gay. I didn't want my relationship with him to change. Sure I didn't really date, except discreetly, and never girls, but my parents just thought I was absorbed into my studies and Jamie, well I didn't really know what he thought. Even still, he couldn't know that I was gay and I wasn't going to chance telling him and ruining things.

J interrupted my thoughts saying, "Do you think we'll ever tell them?" This was a conversation that we often had and one he didn't really expect an answer on. We were both cowards in respect to this subject. We were both stuck by indecision and uncertainty. It's a horrible feeling when the relationships that have budded between the four of us could be shattered with two sentences; I'm gay. I like you. We always let it drop and just went on with whatever we were doing, but I knew that it was something that never strayed far from our thoughts.

We got to the theater, bought our tickets, went up the escalator and got in line for concessions. We had been standing in line for a couple of minutes when for some reason we both looked back at the same time. We saw the objects of our desires coming up the escalator just at that time. I knew that there was shock in both of our eyes, but just as quickly as I masked mines I knew J was doing the same.

We exchanged a glance that spoke volumes and turned to fully greet them.

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When I first noticed that I was gay it was not a pleasant time for me. I'd just turned fourteen and I was freaked out because I could understand most of the ramifications that being gay would bring. The most important thing in the world to me at the time and after was not hurting my family or my little brother Johnny. He looked up to me and I just didn't think that he would still feel the same if he knew that I was gay. It was odd that I didn't think me being gay would really affect my sisters like it would my brother.

Once I turned eighteen I figured that I'd come out to my parents but my brother was still impressionable and young. I didn't want to be viewed as a disappointment in his or the rest of my family's eyes. I was glad that my best friend Rick was there through some really rough patches.

It wasn't like my parents were raving bigots or something, but you just never know in those situations. I couldn't deal with it if my family hated me so I just held it all in. It didn't help that I found myself having feelings for my brother's friend Johnathan. Rick teased me incessantly about liking him but he couldn't talk because he was half in love with my brother.

I never knew what the attraction was because we were total and polar opposites. Johnathan was into punk rock and grunge music. He looked like a goth in training. I don't ever remember him wearing a suit or something that wasn't extremely tight with chains running everywhere. I'm like vanilla ice-cream while he's chocolate cherry cheesecake ice-cream or something. It didn't matter though; I had the hots for him, which made me only fight harder not to let them know that I was gay.

Rick, on the other hand, pushed me all the time to tell them. I think it was just because he wanted his chance at Johnny. It was like a house of cards for me though. If one secret came out then the rest would come tumbling out. He understood it; at least he said he did. Plus, Johnny and Johnathan were really close; it was an area of concern for both of us and something that we didn't talk about often.

Both Rick and I liked going to the movies. We decided to go see "Hitman". I can't remember the main actor, but he was hot and it had action. What more could we ask for?

We arrived at the theater and I don't know how Rick reacted but I always felt a pull in my gut whenever I saw Johnathan. We said our hellos, me embracing my brother and shaking Johnathan's hand. Rick just shook each hand. I couldn't chance giving Johnathan a hug because I felt electricity from just his handshake.

"What are you guys here to see?" I asked and I didn't know what to make of the embarrassed glance that they shared. I hoped it wasn't one of those inside jokes for lovers.

"We're going to see "Bee Movie"." To which me and Rick laughed.

"Damn, that's worse than a chick flick, it's a kiddy movie. I wouldn't want to go see it but Jamie here has been talking about it. We're going to see "Hitman"." Rick clapped me on the back as he told them that I wanted to see the movie. I wondered what he was up to but figured it out quickly when Johnathan spoke up saying that Jamie wanted to see our movie too.

Both me and my brother were eying them and each other warily. I quickly pulled Rick away making the excuse that the other line was shorter. "What are you doing?" I exclaimed in a harsh whisper. If I had been paying attention i'd have seen that Johnny and Johnathan seemed to be having a similar conversation.

"Come on man, I just want to have some time with him, alone. I know he's not into me but I don't know. Don't you want to be around Johnathan?" Rick asked and I did feel a pang of regret that because of me he wasn't pursuing Johnny.

"How am I going to sit next to him, in the dark no less, and not explode?" To that he just smiled.

"The same way I am bro, with your legs crossed and sitting on your hands." I laughed and some of my tension ebbed.

"Ok, but only because I feel bad about you and Johnny."

"Whatever works, my friend." We turned back to them at approximately the same time that they turned to us and almost simultaneously suggested the same thing. We then switched places in line, me with Johnathan and Rick with Johnny.

I couldn't hear them talking but if my conversation was any indication; Rick would be trying desperately to come up with neutral topics.

"What kind of snacks are you getting?" He looked a little sheepish but answered.

"We usually get the large popcorn and just pass it back and forth. It's a little less than getting individual bags and we share some twizzlers or something with some sodas." I saw that the line had moved up a little and when I motioned with my eyes that he should turn around he did but he didn't move as I expected. As a result I moved forward and pushed into his backside. Both of us froze for a second and I groaned out a 'sorry' and he let out a stilted breath. I hoped that I hadn't freaked him out or something.

We got our stuff; I don't really remember how much it cost because I was too busy starring at him and trying not to let him know. I threw some money down and walked away. It must have been too much because the cashier almost chased me down behind the counter to give me my change. I really needed to get a grip.

We got into the theater and the lights were already off and the previews were on. Luckily not many people were there so we got some seats in the back. We sat in those where the arms let up and I gulped trying to remember that this wasn't a date. I couldn't let the arm up, snuggle him into my side and feed him one kernel at a time. Damn, I sure hoped Rick was having as hard a time as I was because this was torture.

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I'd had an inkling that Johnny knew more about gay people than Jamie thought. In fact, I was pretty sure that he was gay too. I just could never see how to convince Jamie of this. He was too wrapped up in the situation to see the looks that Johnathan sent his way when no one was looking so he was even more oblivious to his brother.

Speaking of which, I had to really keep my hands in my pockets. Johnny had no idea that he was making me hard. He had this tendency to dance slightly to any music that was playing. Whether it be in a restaurant, mall, or like here. It was an unconscious gesture that always made me want to pull him to me and grind with him.

He turned around to talk to me and I had to jerk my gaze away from his ass. I blinked a couple of times to clear the lust from my gaze and looked at him. Wrong thing to do. I jammed my hands further into my pockets and hoped that I wouldn't have a raging hard-on for the entire movie.

We got some snacks, what I'm still not sure and went to the theater. The movie hadn't started and the lights were on. I'd hoped that it would already be dark but no such luck.

"Rick, why does Jamie want to see that movie? He hates Jerry Seinfeld."

Aw shit I forgot that. I raced frantically to come up with a plausible reason when I popped up with. "Yeah, but he loves Renee Zelweger." I saw him shrug and nod. I let out a breath and settled back into the seat.

Where we sat, the arm was already up so neither of us said anything about it. I was going to try and see if he was into me. Even if just a little. I already suspected that I had an ally in Johnathan, but I couldn't push it. This was a delicately explosive situation that could go so wrong for all of us.

We sat the tub of popcorn between us so that we wouldn't have to pass it. As the lights dimmed, I formulated my plan. Every time I saw that he was reaching his hand into the bucket i'd also get a handful. The first couple of times I felt more than heard his gasp. After a while he relaxed a little. We traded candy back and forth. I made sure that our hands brushed each time.

Each thing could be seen as accidental or innocent but if he was into me then it should have sparked his interest. I saw him shiver and I pulled off my jacket and leaned over to whisper in his ear, "You should always bring a jacket." I wrapped my jacket around him and thought I heard him sigh. It wasn't what I said but the fact that I whispered it in his ear was what I was trying to accomplish.

I loved the idea of him being wrapped up in my jacket. It was the closest i'd ever come to holding him thus far. I saw him jump at an exceptionally grueling scene and I reached over to squeeze his hand. He froze like a statue. Damn, I hoped that I wasn't moving too fast.

I was giving him every sign I could think of but he just wouldn't give an inch. I still didn't know if he was into me or even guys for sure. It was driving me bonkers!

By the end of the movie I was harried and not sure that this had been a good idea. I'd either scared him off or made him disgustedly uncomfortable. I was mentally beating myself up when he handed me back my coat and I couldn't believe my eyes! He had a large bulge in his pants that he'd tried hard to mask, but I glimpsed it in time. I could have wept I was so happy. Maybe he did like me.

We got up and I draped my jacket back over his shoulders, I wasn't ready to let my fantasies subside. In my mind the date wasn't over.

We walked out and Johnathan and Jamie were waiting for us. Both of them looked sad and dejected. Making both me and Johnny frown.

"What's up guys? Was the movie that bad?" Each of them gave me a puzzled look, then looked at each other and answered in unison.

"No it was really funny," they chorused in unison.

Something was definitely amiss but I suspected that neither would spill until we were with our respective best friends and out of earshot of each other.

Johnnie handed my jacket back and I fought the urge to smell it and see if his scent was on it. We each left and went our separate ways.

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"Well how'd it go?" I asked J. I was still feeling the warmth of Rick's jacket but I couldn't really dwell on it because something was wrong with my best friend.

"I'm such a dunkoff. I didn't know what to say, or to do. I laughed at all the funny parts or at least when everybody else laughed but I couldn't tell you what the damn movie was about. You know that's not like me. What the hell is he going to think of me?"

"I don't know bro, but at least you didn't transfer your feelings onto him." At his curious glance I went on.

"All through the damn movie I could have sworn he was flirting with me. Our hands kept meeting in the popcorn; he whispered in my ear, he gave me his freaking jacket when he thought I was cold. And the clincher, he squeezed my hand when I jumped at a really good action sequence. I was hard as a brick and jumpy as hell by the time the movie was over. All of that was innocent, I know it, but I can't help wanting there to be more to it." I sighed. We were some sad saps.

J was as morose as i'd ever seen him. It just wasn't like him to be so quiet. I knew that there wasn't really much I could tell him because that would be like the blind leading the blind. We were in the same situation but he seemed to take it more harshly that I did.

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As we walked around the little strip mall that the theater was in I felt like kicking myself in the ass. Johnathan wasn't gay, and I couldn't stop myself from wanting him. That's the mantra that ran through my head through the whole movie. He barely spoke to me, keeping his eyes glued to the screen.

I strained the hell out of my peripheral vision because I don't think I took my eyes off him. Everything we did was stilted and disjointed. I knew now that he just put up with my company because of Johnny. That was a hard pill to swallow when I realized that he never really talked to me.

I knew it wasn't because he was shy, hell he was the most vibrant and outlandish one of the pack. No, he just didn't like me and didn't want to talk to me. Oh to hell with it I sighed.

"Let it out bro, what's eating you." Rick had waited for me to speak up but when I didn't I guess he just didn't want to wait anymore. I told him what happened, every horrible moment. He stopped me and looked at me harshly.

I didn't really want to hear any of his bullshit but he was still starring. "What?!" I jerked out.

"I'm trying to see how you got to where you are without everyone knowing how stupid you are."

"Shut up dirtbag." I pushed angrily past him but he latched an arm to my shoulder and spun me around.

"Tell me why you didn't talk?" I knew he wouldn't give up until I indulged him so I answered.

"Because I was nervous as shit and didn't know what to say." I swallowed the lump in my throat. I didn't need to be reminded that Johnathan didn't like me and wasn't even gay.

"Then it should stand to reason that Johnathan was nervous too. You've never been alone together."

"Yeah, but I'm the only person he doesn't talk to. He clams the hell up whenever I try to talk to him. And how come you aren't shaken up? You like Johnny and he isn't gay either."

He narrowed his eyes and held me from leaving. "That was low bro, and besides, unlike you, I think that both of them are gay and that Johnathan does like you. You just wont get it through your thick skull that it might be true. And you're also wrong about me being shaken up. I'm damn near quivering because I see hope for us, for the future. There's a chance that we might happen and I gotta tell you, I won't pass it up if it comes."

"What are you talking about?!" I almost yelled. My eyes were round with fear.

"What are you so afraid of? That Johnathan won't like you, or is it that you don't want your perfect little world rocked so you can be real?"

"You don't understand. Johnathan is different... he's special to me and the idea that he doesn't want me is almost as tragic as my family's rejection if they find out that i'm gay."

He shook his head. "I understand bro, really I do. If anything, Johnny is as special to me as our friendship, but you've got to give a little. It's not healthy that you're basically living a lie for your family. If they truly love you then they'd accept you for who you are."

"It's not that simple and you know it." I turned away from him walking away.

I heard him almost whisper, "It is if you're in love." I turned around to look at him. He just met me head on. We'd had similar conversations in the past but i'd never felt them as deeply as I did now. I just couldn't put it all on the line. My family, some of my friends, and especially Johnathan. What would he think if he knew the truth? Rick just couldn't understand that I could lose it all with one slip. It just wasn't worth it... or was it? I didn't even want to think of the flip side."

We walked back to the car in silence, each of us lost in our thoughts.