Worth the Risk

"I had a really nice time this evening," I told him, then realized I was making it sound like we were on a date, and my face grew red.

"Me, too," he said, smiling down at me. "Same time tomorrow?"

I laughed and nodded. "I'll be here."

We said good night, and I walked in the darkness to my own house. It was silent when I stepped inside. I took my antidepressant medication that night, but I didn't reach for the anti-anxiety pills. I figured I still had enough in my system to help me sleep, and after being with Craig, I found that I didn't want to slip into unconsciousness as soon as I went to my room and got into bed. Instead, I lay in the darkness and thought of him—of what he said, how he looked, the way he touched me.

"Oh, stop it!" I told myself. "You're being ridiculous, Annie." Tossing and turning beneath the covers, I closed my eyes and willed my mind to grow quiet.

At some point I fell asleep, and when I woke in the morning, my thoughts immediately returned to Craig and how much I looked forward to seeing him later on. I was about to reprimand myself again as I climbed out of bed, but then I realized it was the first morning since Matt had died that I didn't wish I were dead, too.

***

As the weeks went by, I spent every evening at Craig's house. Mom never paid attention to my comings and goings, and if Dad happened to notice me slipping out the back door and asked where I was headed, I told him I was taking a walk.

Craig and I settled into a familiar routine. I waited until he got home from work, and then we made dinner together. I taught him the few recipes I knew by heart, and one Friday night in early May as we sat down to a meal of lasagna, salad, and bread, he clasped his hands together. "This looks fantastic," he told me. I grinned at his appreciation for home-cooked food, and then I felt a little ache beneath my ribs when I thought of how many meals he'd had at this table by himself over the years.

When I took a bite of the lasagna, I nodded in approval. "You're turning into quite a cook, Craig."

He scoffed. "If I didn't have you helping me, this would be inedible." His gaze settled on me, and I could tell he wanted to say something, but I sensed his hesitation.

"What is it?" I asked.

"What are your plans for tomorrow?"

I gave him a lopsided smile. "You know I don't have any plans for tomorrow. I'm a hermit."

"The weather's supposed to be beautiful. How about we go for another drive?"

I tried to hide my pleasure at his suggestion, but I was sure he could tell how much the invitation meant to me. "I'd love that."

"And," he went on, "I thought we could head out into the country, where there's hardly any traffic, and you could practice driving again."

My smile faded. "I don't know..."

He held up his hands. "Just think about it, okay? And if you don't feel comfortable doing it, we won't. We'll just enjoy the day, and maybe we can go out for dinner afterward."

The idea of driving again terrified me, but I didn't want to disappoint him, so I nodded.

We finished dinner, and I put away the leftovers as he loaded the dishwasher. It struck me then, that even in the short time we'd been spending our evenings together, we were already acting like a comfortably married couple.

"So," he said when we were finished, "what's on the agenda for this evening, my lady?"

I thought for a moment. "Let's play a game," I said.

Craig was not a fan of television, and it had been so long since I'd bothered watching any of my favorite shows, I'd lost interest in them. So we often played board games, or simply sat together in the living room and read, or listened to music as we chatted. I found that I was happy just being with him.

"Sounds good. You pick which one," Craig told me.

I went to the closet where the old board games were stacked on a shelf, and I decided on checkers. "I really suck at games involving any kind of strategy," I said to Craig as I put the box on the kitchen table, "so you're pretty much guaranteed to win. Matt tried to teach me to play chess, and I was horrible at it."

Craig helped me set up the board. "Maybe you've improved with time."

I snorted. "I don't think so. I figure I've probably gotten worse, but since I totally kicked your ass when we played Monopoly, I'll take pity on you tonight."

He placed a hand on his chest. "I'm touched, Annie. Is this your way of showing respect for your elders?"

I rolled my eyes. "We've had this discussion before."

"Yes, and I think we agreed that I'm old."

"No, you said old. I said distinguished. Now make your move."

I lost the first game, and then the second. "Wow, I suck!" I groaned, shaking my head in embarrassment.

"Well, you're certainly giving my ego a boost," Craig said with a grin. "One more game."

I won the next game and gave him a suspicious look. "You're getting better," he said, coaxing me into playing one more time.

During the following game, I watched him make a ridiculous move and threw up my hands. "That's it—we're done playing. You're letting me win, Craig!"

"Who, me?"

"Yes, you! I see what you're doing. I might be dumb when it comes to board games, but I'm not completely stupid. Give me a little credit."

"I was just trying to be chivalrous."

"Giving me a pity win is not being chivalrous," I said. "We should play something with higher stakes, anyway."

"Oh, really? What do you have in mind?"

How about strip poker?" I teased.

Craig let out a bark of laughter, and I saw the tips of his ears turn red. He refused to meet my eyes while he put away the board game. "You'd better be glad I don't have a deck of cards handy, young lady, because that's a game I wouldn't let you win."

Now it was my turn to blush. I felt a heat grow between my thighs, as if all my nerve endings had congregated to that part of my body. Craig and I had always enjoyed an easy banter, but this was the first time we'd openly flirted, and I found that I didn't want to stop.

I looked at the clock and saw that it was after ten. "I should be getting home," I said.

As we stood at the front door, Craig looked down at me, and there was something a little different about his smile that evening. I couldn't pinpoint exactly what it was, but it made me brave.

Feeling a rush of affection for him that I couldn't contain, I brushed his hand with my fingers. "Craig," I said softly, staring at the front of his shirt.

"Yes, sweetheart," he replied.

I inched closer and lifted my face to him before slipping my arms around his neck. "I want you to kiss me," I whispered, my lips close to his ear.

He actually started at my words, and I couldn't hold back a grin. "Annie..."

I drew back a little. "You don't want to kiss me?"

His gaze settled on my mouth, as if he were already imagining the kiss. "I do," he said. "I've wanted to kiss you for quite a while, in fact." His voice was gentle and warm, the way his hands felt when he stroked my back.

"So why haven't you?" I asked, resting my palm against his chest. I could feel my pulse hammering through my entire body.

"Because I wasn't sure you wanted me to," he said.

"Well, you can be sure now," I whispered.

Craig leaned toward me, and I closed my eyes when his mouth met mine. It started as a sweet and tender kiss, his lips just grazing mine, and then it deepened. My mouth opened to him, and when our tongues touched, Craig let out a moan. Even after I broke the kiss to take a breath, I wanted to taste his mouth again.

I knew I needed to go; if I didn't, I'd reach for him again, and I wouldn't want to stop at just a kiss. Craig stared down at me, his eyes filled with a heat I hadn't seen before. I squeezed his hand, then opened the door and stepped out onto the porch. "Good night," I said.

I could hear him breathing faster, even now. "Good night, Annie. Come on over tomorrow when you're ready."

I didn't tell him that I'd be ready almost as soon as I woke up, that I counted the hours until I could see him. I just said okay and quickly turned to head home so he couldn't see the huge smile on my face.

***

The following day, Dad was working, and Mom was in her room, as usual. I could hear the television playing through the closed door. Like Craig, Mom never used to watch TV. She'd worked part-time at the local library, and she always had a book to read. But everything changed when Matt died. She and I quit our jobs at about the same time, and we both got bogged down in the quagmire of grief and depression. I used to resent Dad for working so many hours, while Mom and I cried and slept and drugged ourselves. But now I knew Dad was the smart one, not allowing his world to shrink to the size of a few rooms.

I braided my hair to keep it out of my face, and I wore my usual jeans, but I chose a turquoise blouse that brought out the blue in my eyes. My sandals revealed my carefully painted toenails. Looking at myself in the mirror, I couldn't believe the change. "You've come a long way," I told myself.

And I knew the person to thank for my transformation.

As I walked to Craig's house, I thought of our kiss the night before, how incredible it felt to have his mouth on mine. The air was almost balmy, with just a hint of the summer to come soon. I lifted my face to the sun and smiled.

Craig had told me that I didn't need to knock on his door; I could just let myself in. But I still gave the door a quick rap before turning the knob.

He met me in the living room, and his gaze swept over my body before returning to my face. "You look stunning, Annie."

I laughed and looked down at myself. "Anything would be an improvement from the time you saw me a month ago."

Craig closed the distance between us and took my hands in his. "I haven't stopped thinking about you since you left last night."

I grinned up at him, my pulse pounding so hard I could feel it in my fingertips. When he lowered his mouth to mine, I kissed him eagerly, my hand trailing down the buttons of his shirt. Craig pulled me closer, and his palms were warm against my back.

I didn't want to let him go, but I allowed him to lead me to the door, and we stepped out into the sunshine, grinning like two shy teenagers. Even though we were standing in broad daylight, Craig didn't release my hand, and I forced myself not to look around.

In his car, we chatted easily, and then we fell into a comfortable silence. I held my purse in my lap. My license was inside, in case I worked up the nerve to get behind the wheel. With the window rolled down, I felt the fresh air on my face and took a deep breath. "I've missed this," I told Craig.

He was wearing his sunglasses, so I couldn't see his eyes, but his mouth softened into a smile. "I'm proud of you, Annie," he said.

I looked at him in confusion. "I haven't done anything yet."

"Yes, you have. More than you know."

About an hour into our drive, we came across a festival being held in a small town. Craig looked over at me. "You want to stop?" he asked.

I hadn't been surrounded by people in months, but I tried to hide my hesitation. "Sure," I replied with what I hoped was a casual shrug.

No one knew us here, and Craig was free to slip his arm around my waist as we strolled down the sidewalk, past families with small laughing children, and older married couples holding hands. I stopped at a vending table to admire a handmade scarf. "That would go wonderfully with your blouse," the woman behind the table told me.

"We'll take it," Craig said, reaching for his wallet.

"Craig, no. I have my own money," I said quietly so the woman couldn't hear.

"I know you do, but I want to buy you something."

Craig paid for the scarf, then draped it over my shoulders. "I don't know how you ladies wear these things, so I'll let you arrange it the way you want," he said.

I laughed and reached for his hand. "You did just fine, and thank you. I love it."

We ordered hot dogs and sodas from a concession stand, then made our way to a nearby picnic table. "I'm having such a good time," I told Craig as we sat down.

"Me, too." He looked around, keeping his voice casual. "So have you thought about what I suggested last night?"

The thought of driving wiped the smile from my face. I took a deep breath to steady my nerves. "I'm willing to try," I said. "I can't promise that I'll make it more than ten feet before I need to stop and let you take over, but I know I need to make an effort, at least."

"That's my girl," Craig said, patting my knee.

After we finished our food and walked around for a while longer, Craig and I headed back to the car. "I'll drive us out of town. Plenty of country roads around here," he said to me.

I nodded, but my mouth felt dry, and my hands began to tremble. I clasped them together in my lap as I sat in the passenger seat.

Twenty minutes later, we were on a two-lane asphalt paved road. "Haven't seen another car for the last few miles," Craig told me as he pulled over to the shoulder. "You ready to give it a try?"

I knew if I hesitated even for a moment, I would lose my nerve. "Yes." I unbuckled my seatbelt and got out of the car. Craig looked so pleased with me, I was more afraid of letting him down than actually getting behind the wheel.

I sat in the driver's seat and adjusted it so I was closer to the wheel, and then I buckled my seatbelt and closed my eyes. Craig sat next to me and didn't speak; he was patient, letting me gather my resolve. "I'm terrified," I finally whispered.

"I know." His hand covered mine. "And that's okay. We'll take it slow. Just a couple miles down the road, okay?"

With my foot hard against the brake, I put the car in drive. Taking another deep breath, I moved my foot over to the gas pedal, letting it hover there, and then I gently pressed it down as I turned the wheel.

I drove down the road, my hands in a white-knuckled grip on the steering wheel. Glancing at the speedometer, I found I was driving at just fifteen miles per hour, but it felt so much faster.

"You're doing great," Craig assured me.

I glanced in the rearview mirror and saw a pickup truck approaching us from behind. "Oh shit," I said. "Someone's coming."

Craig rested his hand on my thigh. "Just take your time."

In just seconds, the truck was right on us, revving the engine. "I can't do this," I whispered as tears filled my eyes.

"Yes, you can. Let the bastard go around you if he's in a hurry."

I shook my head and accelerated. "Promise me we'll be okay." When Craig didn't say anything, I shouted, "Promise me!"

"I can't promise you we'll be fine, Annie." I felt the heat of his hand through my jeans. "I can't promise that you won't make a mistake, or that another driver won't. But I can tell you that I know you're strong enough to do this."

A tear slipped down my cheek, but when I looked at the speedometer again, I saw I was going forty-five miles per hour, and the truck had backed off. "Oh my god, I'm actually driving," I said.

"You sure are."

I wouldn't risk a glance at Craig, but I heard the smile in his voice. The truck turned right onto a gravel drive, and I breathed a sigh of relief when we were alone on the road again.

"So much for taking it slow," I said, letting out a high-pitched laugh.

"You could have pulled over," Craig pointed out. "As soon as you saw that truck, you could have pulled over and refused to go any farther. But you kept driving."

"Do you think... I should drive us back home?" I asked. Part of me hoped he would say no.

"I think you should."

So I did.

***

When I turned into Craig's driveway, I couldn't hold back a yell of triumph. "I just drove for an hour!"

"And you are one of the best damn drivers I've ever seen," he said.

I laughed and put the car in park, then cut the engine. Craig took off his glasses, and my breath caught at the tenderness in his eyes as he looked at me. "We need to celebrate," I said. My voice shook, but I didn't avert my gaze.

"And how would you like to celebrate?"

I pressed a hand to his face. "Let's go inside, and I'll show you."

We didn't speak as we walked to the front door. It was all I could do not to touch him, but I waited until we stepped into the living room, and then he turned to me, and I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him, long and slow, the way I'd wanted to for the last half hour of the drive home. His hands roamed over my body, and we broke the kiss long enough to make our way to his bedroom.

My heart was pounding hard enough to make me dizzy, and my hands shook as I worked at the buttons of his shirt. When I had it opened, I pulled the fabric aside so I could run my fingers through the wiry hair covering his chest. Craig gently pulled the scarf from my shoulders, and then he slipped his hands beneath my blouse as he kissed me again.

"I can't believe this is happening," he moaned, watching me pull the blouse over my head.

I grinned, feeling self-conscious as I stood before him in my bra. "Have you thought about it happening?"

Craig laughed. "More than you can imagine, Annie." He started to unbutton his jeans, and I followed his lead until I wore nothing but my bra and panties. He had stripped down to his boxers, and now he stared at me hungrily.

"Come here," he said, sinking onto the edge of the bed.

I made my way to him, and he slipped his arms around me, his palms resting on my lower back. Then he pressed his mouth to my belly, and I ran my hands through his hair. Craig lowered the straps of my bra slowly, as if he didn't want to rush me, but I reached behind me and unhooked the clasps to reveal my breasts to him.

He brushed his palms over my nipples, making them harden. "You're beautiful," he said, his voice thick with emotion. His mouth latched onto my right breast, and I basked in the heat of his tongue licking and sucking my nipple. Little cries escaped my mouth, and as I looked down at him, I saw his erection straining against the fabric of his boxers. His obvious desire prompted me to ease him back against the bed and straddle him.

I kissed his mouth and neck. "Um," I murmured against his skin, "I have a condom in my purse..." I lifted my head so I could see his face. "I've had just a few sexual partners, and we always used them," I said. "We can now, if you want, but..." My cheeks reddened as I tried to articulate my own preference.

"I've had a vasectomy, so I can't get you pregnant," Craig told me. "Are you okay with that? I mean, maybe we should talk about this before we take things any further. You might want half a dozen kids later on—"

I pressed a finger to his lips. "No," I said. "It's fine."

He slowly nodded. "But would a condom make you feel more comfortable?"

I smiled down at him. "No, I'd like to feel you inside me without one."

Craig kissed me, harder now, and rolled us over so that he lay on top of me. Then he worked his way down my body, his lips moving over my stomach and my right hip. I watched as he tugged my panties down my legs until I was free of them, and then he gently parted my thighs.

In the past, I'd always felt vulnerable being spread open before a man so he could touch and taste me, but with Craig, I only felt longing.

He slid his hands over my legs. "I love how excited you already are," he breathed.

I couldn't help but giggle. "You have no idea how many times you've reduced me to this state."

Craig raised an eyebrow and grinned as he used his fingers to explore my folds. "Is that so?"

I nodded. "It could be a look you give me, or the way you say my name, and I'm like this."

"So when we sat next to each other on the sofa, you were aroused sometimes?"

I closed my eyes, swallowing hard. "Yes. And when I went home, I stripped naked in my bedroom and touched myself."