Worth The Risk

There I was, just being bored at work, thinking about all that Rick had proposed, wondering how his 'date' with my brother had gone, and they were getting together and becoming a couple. I didn't know that Rick would move so fast or that it would actually work out for that matter.

They already damn near looked like they were in love. Why couldn't it be that easy for me? To just want someone and go after them like that. No, I had to be the one paralyzed with fear of rejection. I was trying my damndest not to think of the fact that Johnathan was gay.

That revelation was like a shot of adrenaline to my senses. My fantasies and libido went into overdrive. It didn't help that Rick and Johnny were mooning over each other. Don't get me wrong, I loved the fact that I was now open with my brother and friends. It just took away some of my steam to know that I was the only coward left in the bunch. There was like this huge block that I just couldn't get past.

Even though I knew that Johnathan was gay, that didn't mean he wanted me. Hell, he barely even looked at me or said two words the whole night. Granted, we both were shocked at Rick and Johnny. I just couldn't be like Rick and put it all on the line for love... Wait, did I just say love? I groaned mentally and tried to shake my thoughts of Johnathan from my head.

I frowned noting that Rick hadn't come back from Johnny's place. I wondered how often i'd see him around now that he was wrapped up in Johnny. It wasn't that I wasn't happy for them. I couldn't have been more pleased at the match. I just wished that it didn't remind me of what I didn't and probably never would have.

When Rick invited me over again, I was even more skeptical. Next they'd announce their engagement or something. How much more of this could I take? It was the weekend so at least I could get a little drunk. What started out as a few friends getting together turned into a 'look at us we're a couple' party. Most of my friends were there, in support of Rick. Johnny and Johnathan's friends were there as well.

Johnathan was the life of the party as far as I could see. He laughed and danced, not with anyone in particular, but basically to motivate people to have fun. I saw some guy whisper in his ear and I could see his blush even from across the room.

I frowned and finished my second beer. I had no claim to him. I had no right to be jealous of something that could be seen as harmless. I looked over to where Rick and Johnny were. Rick was standing against the wall with his legs spread. Johnny was nestled in between and they were talking and joking with some other people. They kept stealing glances and kisses. It was disgustingly cute. They were already devoted to each other.

My expression turned even more dour as I realized that the third beer was gone and I had to piss. I made my way to the bathroom and Johnathan came down the hallway giggling and looking like he'd just been thoroughly tousled. My anger welled up so quickly that it was hard for me to tamp it down. It got even harder to do when I realized that he was drunk. I thought someone had taken advantage of him.

"Hiya Jamsie." He gurgled and then giggled while hiccupping.

I moved him out of the way but before I could go past him he said, "You hate me don't you?" He looked so dejected that I thought he was going to cry.

"No of course not, why would I hate you?" He tried to shrug but only managed to damn near smash his face into the wall as he almost fell. I caught him by grabbing him with both arms. I tried not to think of who I was holding and how it felt.

Tried and lost the battle as he started cooing in my ear. "Ooooohhhh thish ish soooooo nice. Kiss me please." I balked at him. Surely he wasn't serious. But with his head tilted up towards me and his lips looking so... so... kissed? As in already been done. I frowned.

"What were you doing before now?" He squinted long and hard trying to remember.

"Shhh-pin the bottle. Great game, some great kissers too. I wanted the bottle to land on you but you don't play, so kissh me now." He threw his arms around me and plastered my lips against his. Aw damn, I was hoping to avoid this.

I knew that if I was ever tempted like this it would almost be too much for me to take. I tried not to react. I tried to stay mad at the fact that I was just one in a line of guys that had kissed him but I couldn't. I gave up and invaded his mouth, holding him captive until I'd taken my fill. He pulled back, giggled, hiccupped and then went and got another drink.

I forgot that I had to piss for almost an hour while I tried to get my hard-on under control. Damn him, he didn't even want me. I sat down and tried not to let it affect me.

As the party started to break up Rick and Johnny came over to where I was sitting. It just so happened that Johnathan was damn near passed out next to me. Johnny looked at Johnathan and shook his head worriedly. He turned to Rick saying, "There's something wrong with J. He never drinks that much. Hell I don't even remember the last time he was drunk."

Rick smoothed his worry lines by massaging his temples. "He'll be alright. We'll all stay here tonight and we'll make sure he's ok in the morning. Come on babe, let's get some blankets."

I snorted. It hadn't occurred to them that I was in the room and therefore worthy of an opinion. They damn near elected me caretaker of the drunk and passed out. I didn't even point out that there was only one couch. Even though I wasn't really drunk, I was too buzzed to drive home so I was stuck anyways. They came back with the blankets and Johnny stopped to stare at Johnathan.

Rick looped his arm around Johnny's chest, whispered something in his ear that made him blush and smile like an idiot. He shook his head and they walked hand in hand back to the bedroom. I heard their muffled moans almost immediately. Dammit! I really didn't need this shit.

Johnathan moaned and tried to sit up. When he couldn't quite manage that he just slumped over on his side. He cracked an eye open to look at me. "Coward", was all I heard.

"Excuse me? Who's a Coward?" He struggled once again to sit up and this time he succeeded.

"You, Jamsie, you're a big fat coward. I see how you look at me, but you're too much of a pussy to do anything about it."

He was drunk. It had been my mantra all night since the kiss. "You don't know what you're talking about."

"Oh, yeah? Why did you stare at me all night but didn't say one word to me until I spoke to you in the hallway?"

"How could you possibly know if I was starring at you? And I do not stare." I was digging myself deeper and deeper into the hole. He knew I was lying, even as drunk as he was.

"You do too. You want me but you don't want to want me. Well, you know what? Fine, I don't care anymore. I'm tired of it. I waited alllllllll that time to find out that you're gay, but then you turn out to be a fucking pansy who can't see what's right in front of you. Take your fear and your uncer...uncertanly, no un-cer-tain-ty, and your bull shit and go to hell."

And with that he puked all over me and passed out for good.

I sighed and went to clean up. I took off my shirt and pants, cleaned up the little on the couch, and made sure that there wasn't any on Johnathan.

I was such an idiot. Not only did I let the opportunity to be with him pass me by, now he really didn't want me and it was all my fault. Rick told me countless times that Johnathan was into me but did I believe him? Hell no.

I needed to talk to Rick. This whole living free thing was new to me. I needed help and I needed a plan. I had to convince Johnathan to at least go out with me and to forgive me for being such an ass. This was going to be an uphill battle. Johnathan was already so mad at me.

I took off his shirt and noticed that there was only enough blankets for us if we laid together. I groaned as I positioned Johnathan on top of me on the couch. I'd probably be up before him anyway so it wouldn't matter. I wrapped my arms around him and smiled for maybe the first time that night. I spoke to him against his forehead even though I knew he couldn't hear me.

"I'm so sorry I was such an idiot. It's just that for so long I wanted you and I couldn't have you. It's hard to switch reels. Plus, I don't see why you would want me anyway. I'm such a stick in the mud and you're so different. I'm so afraid because I already love you. You can't compete with that. If you rejected me it would break my heart and I'm just not strong enough to go through that. I'll try, I really will, I just need some time, just some time to figure it out."

I talked to his sleeping form until I fell asleep.

I woke up hearing whispering. I'd turned to my side and Johnathan was between me and the back of the couch. He was still sleep and I was glad.

"Do you think they did anything?" I heard Johnny whisper to Rick.

"If we know Jamie, then no they didn't." To which I heard chuckling.

"Yeah, but they're so perfect for each other. I just hope Jamie realizes it in time. J is so sad sometimes it breaks my heart." I felt my insides sag as I heard their conversation. "I want them to be happy like us."

I heard kissing and then Rick replied, "You can't force them. As much as I want that too, it's ultimately up to them. We've already interfered too much, now it's up to fate. Plus, I don't need you worrying over it too much, then i'll worry because I can't make you happy."

Johnny sighed, "I couldn't be unhappy, as long as you're with me." They walked into the kitchen and I couldn't hear anything anymore.

I got up with a heavy heart and went to the kitchen. Johnny was sitting on the counter with Rick between his legs. They were lip-locked and oblivious to my presence. I coughed and they both jumped. Rick wrapped his arms around Johnny in a protective gesture as they both glowered at me.

"You sneak! You were awake through our whole conversation!" Rick motioned at me.

I smiled and nodded, but then my smile faded. "I need you guys' help. I'm in trouble." I told them what happened the night before and Rick called me an idiot while Johnny called me a jerk.

"Hey, Rick you're supposed to be my friend, and Johnny you're my brother, where's the love? I know that i'm wrong, but damn, cut me some slack."

Johnny started in on me first. "You get nothing from me. Don't think I don't know that Rick tried to talk you into coming out and you refused. Because of you we lost precious time that we could have been together." He humphed and hugged Rick closer to him.

Rick seemed at least a little apologetic. "Sorry bro, we don't have any secrets so I had to tell him. As far as Johnathan goes, I think you know more about him and how to fix this than you realize. Look into your heart to find the answer. Hell, just open your eyes for once and don't be afraid to face your future head on."

I looked from him to Johnny, who still seemed miffed and Johnny pointed to Rick. "What he said." Good lord, they were already an old married couple. I shook my head and walked out.

Johnathan was still knocked out so I just studied him for a while. His eye make-up was smeared. His dyed red hair was standing on end, and not in a stylish way. His mouth was partially open and he was snoring slightly. I found myself smiling at him, hoping that some day I would be waking up next to him under different circumstances. I lightly kissed his cheek, got some clean clothes from my brother and went home to plan.

Each time that I saw Johnathan after that night I did noticed that he was indeed becoming more withdrawn. He still wouldn't talk to me so that was nothing new, but he didn't seem to notice too much else either. Rick and Johnny were planning another party, this time at our apartment and the four of us were supposed to get together for ideas on the theme and food.

I came in from work and looked around. I pulled my brother to the side and asked, "Where's Johnathan?" He rolled his eyes at me. Since getting with Rick and coming out, Johnny'd become much more assertive and much less likely to let things slide. This was no exception.

"Jesus, sometimes I swear, I was adopted. You dunce, he right over there. " I followed his nod and I couldn't stop my eyes from bugging out of my head.

Johnathan was not the same Johnathan. Gone were the chains and black. His hair was his natural honey blond. He had no black make-up, no black nail polish. He wasn't wearing any collars or black lipstick. He didn't even have any gel in his hair. He looked completely different.

"Why... why would he do that?" Johnny cocked his head to the side, his eyes flashing in anger.

"Why do you think? Make a move or let him go. I don't like how you're hurting him. I don't care that you're my brother. You're being a major jackass."

"What are you talking about, I haven't done anything to him. I can't possibly be hurting him."

He looked at me in exasperation. "He sees how you look at him, how you stare at him, hell everybody can see it, but you haven't done a damn thing about it. It's enough to make anybody crazy! How do you think he feels knowing that you want him, but not enough to do anything about it? Hhmmm? Not very fucking good, that's how."

Rick saw that Johnny was agitated and came over. "What did you say to him Jamie?"

Everybody was fucking turning against me. What the fuck?! "Me?! He's the one balling me out." Rick visibly relaxed.

"Oh, well have at it baby, he needs it." He kissed Johnny and walked away. I was still starring open-mouthed at him.

"You've all turned on me." Johnny rolled his eyes at me.

"Nobody's turned on you. It's just that we don't get it. We understand to some extent, your fear, and all of that, but we don't understand your cowardice, especially when there's no reason for it. What are you torturing yourself and J for? We don't know and the bad part about it is that we're not sure that you do either."

Well, it was finally happening. I was losing my friends and my family. I just didn't expect it to be in this capacity. If I kept this up I wouldn't have any friends. Oh well, I had nothing to lose now, might as well give up my dignity too.

I stormed over to where Johnathan was and stared down at him. He starred back with irritation in his gaze. Everyone in the room seemed to become suspended in suspense. I shook my head, not willing them to be privy to my downfall.

I grabbed Johnathan's hand and stood him up. I then proceeded to lift him over my shoulder and carry him out. I figured with his arms on my back he couldn't do too much damage, but he kept pinching the hell out of my sides while yelling at me. I walked him to the backyard and sat him down.

"Well, at least you're talking to me finally." I could tell that he wanted to curse me out but my comment made him clam up and glare at me. I just watched him until he broke, trying not to smile.

"What are you talking about?" He said through clenched teeth.

"You don't talk to me. You shut up like a clam whenever I come around, except when you're drunk. Then you're a bit chatty. " I smiled almost wistfully at the memory of the longest conversation we'd ever had. But then I frowned. "What's with the look Johnathan?"

His anger seemed to be growing by the minute and I had to admit that it was kinda hot. "You hoist me over your shoulder to ask me that?! Of all the things you could say to me, it's that. Well, I guess it finally got you to notice me, if nothing else."

"I always noticed you, I hope you didn't do it because of that."

He started yelling then," It didn't have anything to do with you! Aw shit, I don't wanna lie like you, it did have to do with you, but not directly."

"Why do you think I lie? And what do you mean?" I stuffed my hands into my pocket trying not to touch him.

"Look, everyone except the right one wanted me with that look, and it was just getting to me so I guess I grew out of it. I'm ready to try something new, for someone new. As for why you lie, well you can't value the truth because you never face it so it would stand to reason that you like the lie."

"I'm trying, I have been for weeks, I just don't know how to go about correcting the mistakes i've made." He seemed completely unphased by what i'd said.

"You could start by telling the truth."

"I love you."

"What?!" He stepped away from me as if i'd slapped him.

"I... Love... You. That's my truth. How could I have faced your rejection when I was already so far gone?"

"You're facing it now." he said as he leered at me. I sucked I a breath as I tried to brace my heart against his words. "And besides, why would I reject you, especially after finding out you were gay? All you had to do was ask me out."

I shook my head. "You just don't get it. Why would someone as vibrant and lively as you want such a stick in the mud like me? I never thought you'd accept, even knowing you were gay. Then by the time I got it through my head that you did like me or that you might, I messed up and you told me you didn't want me anymore. I was trying to figure out how to fix it, but I didn't know what to do so I didn't do anything."

Before I knew anything I felt a sharp jab to my gut and I doubled over. "I am so fucking pissed off at you right now. Did it ever occur to you that you could just talk to me?"

I heard Johnny in the background, "Yoo-hoo J! Give him hell. Hit him again!"

Johnathan stomped his foot and looked up to Johnny's window. "Shut the fuck up Johnny! Don't think i'm not pissed at you too. And close the fucking window, this is a private conversation!" I heard the window slide shut and I had to smile.

"They told me you were shy."

"I am you idiot, but this has gone so far past that it's ridiculous. Plus i'm so pissed my teeth itch. It makes it worse that you didn't think this little 'talk' was for anything either. You were going to let me go, weren't you? Just walk out of your life, just like that."

"What else am I supposed to do? I don't want you to be unhappy. Plus, you changed your whole appearance so you could attract someone else. I know you don't want me so you tell me what i'm supposed to do."

"Want me enough to fight for me." All of the anger seemed to seep out of him as the sadness creep into his face. "I thought if I was more buttoned down and serious then maybe you'd finally want me enough to say something. You didn't though. I don't believe that you love me. You couldn't if you can't even ask me out once. Not even once."

He started walking away and I felt my life slipping away from me. He was taking it with him. I called out to him. "Have dinner with me." To which he replied, "No".

"Ok, then have lunch with me." He turned around and looked at me. "No"

"What about breakfast?" He shook his head in the negative. He had to agree to something.

"Brunch, we can do brunch." He shook his head again. "Let's have pie and ice-cream, or if you don't like that cake, or pastries." I got the same answer.

"I'll buy you a soda, let's get some water." Still the same. I blew out a breath.

"Why not? Come on, you've got to want something. What is it? If I can get it, will you allow me to share it with you?"

He was still shaking his head and tears had gathered on his lashes. "All I ever wanted was you. All you had to say was 'take me' and I would have." He looked at me fully. "But you blew it."

I pulled him to me I held him, not caring that he was as stiff as a board. "I know I blew it, I'm an idiot, i'm insecure, and i'm scared to death of loving you, but I do and I'm going to fight. Myself and you if I have to."

"You really mean that?" He started to loosen up a little. He leaned back and looked at me. I could see indecision, worry, and a host of other emotions in his face.

"Yeah, I do. I really do." I bent my head to kiss him. This time he wasn't drunk, I wasn't frustrated, we were just lovers. It was wonderful, sensual, light, airy. He tasted like bottled spring, fresh and pure.