Xmas, First Time I Went All The Way

How dare they? At the time, I was still just a kid, only 18-years-old. When you're that young, one year makes such a big difference. I felt so much more mature, when I turned 19-years-old. People mature differently and I wasn't ready for all of that grownup X-rated, sexual stuff. Besides, with my luck, I'd get pregnant and that would be it for my college education. I'd be stuck in this small town, just like my Mom was before me.

Maybe it was only sex to him, but it certainly meant more to me than that. He just wanted to have sex and I was just another notch on his belt but, even back then, I wanted more than that. Needing to have the memory, I wanted to make love and I wanted to save myself for that one special guy. Only, I didn't think that I loved Andy enough to surrender my body to him, at least, not in that way. I could fuck him, no doubt, but I couldn't make love to him. He was more my best friend, than he was my perceived lover.

Certainly, I wasn't a prude. I did everything else. I ended up giving him a blowjob, whenever he pressured me to have intercourse. Now, that I think of it, maybe he preferred getting a blowjob. Maybe knowing that I wouldn't have intercourse with him, he used that as an excuse to get me to blow him. I guess it was a win/win for both of us. I got out of having intercourse and he got a blowjob, instead. He certainly liked my blowjobs. Admittedly I was pretty good at sucking cock, but there was just something that told me to wait for the right time with the right man, before having sexual intercourse, and this wasn't it and he wasn't him.

Afraid to let go, I don't know what I was afraid of, but I was. Maybe I was just afraid to fall in love. I was scarred by all my Mom's regrets. I didn't want my love for anything or for anyone to interfere with and replace my love for school and for quest for knowledge. At the time, both weighed heavily on my mind and there was only enough room for one, Andy or school. I think I made the right decision by choosing school.

So, that Christmas, while my parents were in church and making the rounds to their friends houses later, I invited Andy over. I got out of going to church by pretending that I wasn't feeling well. I lied and told my Mom I had my period. Happy that I wasn't pregnant, she was fine with the knowledge that I was still having my menstrual cycle.

Andy and I sat on the floor in front of the Christmas tree, where I had put my oversized beach towel down over the carpet. I closed all drapes and the only lights were from the glow of Christmas tree. A better memory than the backseat of his car with Axl Rose screaming in the background, this was romantic and with Nat King Cole singing Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire. It was then that I gave myself to him.

Still in my nightgown, he came in the house, as soon as my parents pulled out of the driveway. I told him to park his car a block away and walk around back and use the back door, so that the neighbors wouldn't see. Most of our neighbors had gone to church anyway. I remember being so excited. This was my first time. Only a virgin once, I'd never have another first time like this again. Andy was about to take my virginity and I was ready for him to do it. Filled with love and happiness, I knew he was the one.

Finally alone, finally ready to make love to him, and finally ready lose my virginity, I gave myself to him. Honestly, looking back, I can say that the first time was horrible. Clumsy, awkward, and rushed, the first thing he did was to lift my nightgown over my head. That was the first time that Andy saw me totally naked. I would have preferred a little foreplay first, maybe some kissing, hugging, talking, and laughing, but he was a man on a mission and a man intent on seeing me naked.

I mean, I love Andy as a dear, best friend, but not as a lover. As soon as I was naked, he removed all his clothes, too. Even in December, he still had his farmer's tan. I remember laughing at him. Already, from drinking too much beer and eating too much fast food, he was developing a pot belly and I remember imagining how middle aged he'd look like in just ten, short years.

As if he had taken Viagra, which they didn't even have back then, I remember he had a constant and a very hard erection. I remember him being more interested in sticking his cock in me more than anything else. He licked my pussy all of sixty seconds, I timed him, before he mounted me. I mean, I was already wet, but I wasn't as aroused as I needed to be.

It was a good thing I insisted he wear a condom because, even though he said he wouldn't, even though he said he'd pull out, he ejaculated inside me, after he was in me no longer than three minutes. It would have taken longer to boil an egg and certainly much longer to get me in the mood, where I could have more enjoyed my first experience, too.

"Gees, that was great, Andy. You're a real stud."

Sexually frustrated, I masturbated in the bath later, after he left. I was so young and so naive. I wish I knew then what I knew now, I wonder if I still would have had sex with Andy and how different my life would have been had I given myself to someone else other than him. It's weird the things that you remember going back more than twenty years ago. Serving as the foundation, it's funny how those rites of passage stuck in my mind and that stayed with me, while everything else I did after, still revolves around the choices I made early in my life.

Should have, could have, would have, and what if, it's all a roll of the dice sometimes and I rolled mine. I made my decisions and I made my choices, at least, I was happy that I did that, instead of having a man make them for me. That day that I lost my virginity was one of those times in my life, that even though the sex was lousy, I don't regret my decision to have Andy take my virginity. I remember it, as if it was yesterday, even though it was 22 years ago, a lifetime.

After I graduated college with a degree in Business Administration, I went into business for myself with a partner, who later became my husband. Every Christmas we celebrated the holiday by closing the business and having a Christmas party for all of our customers. It's not a bad life and I've gone beyond the distastefulness of Andy not being able to have hands as clean as our accountant. Andy fixes the cars and I handle the paperwork. He was my first time and my only time having sex with a man. We've been married now for 18 years this Christmas and I couldn't be happier.