Yellow Ch. 02

I flipped open my Zippo, sparking it, and brought it to the tip of my cigarette. I inhaled deeply, letting the warm smoke travel through my lungs before letting it come back out in a slow exhale. There is something about cigarettes that make me feel powerful, make me feel like I am the ruler of all things, most of all my life. I live for the day I don't need them anymore.

"Camble?" I heard Mac yelling for me, but I didn't want to answer him just set, I didn't want to break this spell, I needed to feel normal, and with half a cig left, I had time to spare. "Camble, answer me boy."

"Yeah, back here," I called and put the cigarette out in the small ashtray I kept back here. I looked up to watch Mac come through the door. "What's up?" I ask and stand up from floor.

"You've been back here for a while son, just wondering where you were," he said and put a hand on my shoulder, a way of asking me if I was okay with out saying the words.

"Got lost in the moment, sorry," I said and walked past him to the door. I continued through the room, going for the swinging door that led to the front of the bar that I worked at, and that Mac owned.

"Cam?" I turned. "Is everything alright?"

"Mac, it's called depression," I said laughing at the face he made. He hated it when I talked to him like a little kid. "I'll get over it; just give me a few more years."

"Maybe I can't wait a few years, maybe I want you to be happy, maybe I should knock some sense into you," Mac said and pushed me against the bar. The man sitting at it moved his mug quickly and backed up.

"You don't have a say in the way my mind works," I said pushing back.

"Oh yeah?" Mac pulled back his fist, it was like slow motion. His fist coming toward me slowly, connecting with my right cheek, landing flat on my ass, and knocking over a row of glasses on the shelves kept under the bar.

"Are you nuts?" the man from before asked.

"Yes," I moaned, rubbing my face. I looked up at Mac; he was standing with his fists up, beckoning me with his hand to get up. I pulled my hand away from my face, and saw blood, probably from my lip. "You suck man," I said and started laughing.

"Coward," he whispered. I knew he didn't mean it, I knew that he wouldn't have punched me if he wasn't at his wits end. I felt instant pain go through me, not from my face, but from what I had been putting Mac and probably his wife Rhonda, through.

My laughing soon turned into dry sobs. I sucked at life.

*******

I lay back in the bed of my truck and watched the sun set over the lake behind my small town. There was something about this one spot that I loved so much. There wasn't anything that great about it, but it was great to me, and it was a place that I kept coming back to again and again. To think, to be quite, or to be alone. This time, though, I came to think.

Last year my ex-boyfriend was arrested, hand cuffed right in our front room. Today was the anniversary of that and I couldn't think about anything else. It was like a movie playing in my head from start to finish. From the day we met on.

I was fourteen, he was twenty-four. He was the son of my fathers football couch. My father had asked him to show me some tips, because I was starting freshmen football that summer. Yeah he'd showed me some tips, but they had nothing to do with football. From day one, I was completely in love with Rick. He'd been so manly, and so kind, he didn't treat me like a kid just because I was younger, and he talked to me like I was his equal.

When I turned eighteen I told my father that I was gay and that I was moving in with Rick, who lived on the other side of town. I still have scares from that day, from when he beat me so badly I couldn't move for a week. Of course that week was extended to three weeks when Rick got a hold of me.

He'd been wonderful from day one, and I had been so happy with him, I had thought we would stay together forever. But when he found out that I told my dad about us, he knew that his dad would be the next to find out, so he put me in the hospital to prove to his father he wasn't a fag.

Rick had been sorry afterwards, begging me to come home, to his house, that he wouldn't do anything like that again. For four years he'd been prefect, I had trusted him and I wanted to trust him still, so I went. Over then next six years I went in and out of the hospital more times then I can remember. He had lied, and it did happen again, and I was a fool for trusting him and for staying with him. But I loved him and I thought deep down he loved me, but I was wrong.

The night he was arrested was the same night I put his 12 gauge shotgun to his forehead and told him I was going to kill him. One of the neighbors must of heard us yelling and called the cops, something none of them had down before, and by the time they'd got there, he had me flat on my back and shotgun in my mouth.

He was charged with attempted murder and he got a life sentence. I haven't seen him since the day I was put on the witness stand, and I pray to God I never do again. But it's hard for me to forget all that happened, and even harder to forget about the first four year when I was so happy, so content, so loved.

The incident between Mac and me earlier that day kind of opened my eyes, I hadn't been in a fight since Rick was carted off to jail, and I couldn't bring myself to fight back. I needed to do something about that, and my life. It needed to get better, and I was the only one that could do that.

*******

Wes had said that Seth must have had a lot on his mind, and that he only forgot to ask me that day. But as the days, and weeks, and then month past, I knew Seth had either totally forgot that he asked me out, or that he had regretted asking me in the first place.

I opted more for the regret side of it when I met his boyfriend. They had been seeing each other for three weeks Brad told me. Brad, that was his name, Seth seemed to go for guys with B names. Brandon, Blake, Bill, Bobby, and now Brad.

"It's nice to meet you," I said and shook Brad's hand. Really I wanted to bash his perfect face through my computer screen, but my politeness stopped me. "Are you here to meet Seth?"

"Yeah, I wanted to surprise him and take him to lunch," he smiled giving me a flash of his perfectly lined up white teeth.

I always thought that people's teeth give them a lot of their character. Brad's teeth were all straight and set, teeth you can only get after thousands of dollars worth of dental work, giving him that "holier then thou" look. I'm sure he was a nice person, but I could tell me was looking down at me, and my secretary job. Wes had pretty straight teeth too. He had one tooth, third from the front, that was out of place and slightly pointed. When he gave you this lopsided half grin, you get a flash of it, and I always thought it made him look mischievous, which is his personality to a tee. My teeth, well, I don't know about mine.

"Reed are you on speakerphone?" Seth asked coming out of his office. "Brad, what are you doing here?" Seth's gaze flicked over his boyfriend then to me and back. I couldn't read his eyes.

"I came to take you to lunch lover," Brad wrapped his arms around Seth's waist and leaned in for a kiss. I turned away then, maybe if I didn't see it, it wouldn't hurt.

"Um, okay, let me get my coat," Seth said. When I looked back up they were walking hand in hand to the front door. "Reed, I'll be back in an hour okay?" I didn't say anything and he didn't wait for it.

I picked up the phone and called my mother.

"Honey what's wrong?" she asked after our hellos.

"I need to find a new job," I said before I burst into tears.

*******

Things where vastly turning black. Every time Brad would show up to take Seth to lunch, which was every day now, more started to fade from my vision. Mom said that I couldn't let something like Seth having a boyfriend get in the way of my job, that I should be a professional. But I didn't think I could last much longer having to deal with Brad's perfect-ness. It was driving me nuts. It wasn't only that he was dating someone who I like very much; it was the fact that he seemed to always have to prove he was better then me every time I saw him.

"That's a nice watch, where did you get it?" Brad had asked the morning I decided I couldn't take it anymore.

"Oh, thanks. My brother got it for me at a state fair," I smiled. I had seen it, the watch, and fell in love. It had a thick lather band with a silver start sewed in it and a square face. It wasn't usually my taste but I had wanted it so bad Wes asked the woman to wrap it up for me. It was one of the many times I was "between jobs".

"Oh, state fair? That's cute," He flashed me a glimpses of a thick silver Rolex that lay on his wrist. Why the hell would someone pay that much for a watch? You could go to Wall-Mart, buy one for ten dollars, and have it tell time just as well. But, I guess, if I had a lot of money I would buy things like that too. Maybe.

I grabbed at the hair on the back of my head, something I had been doing often lately, and tried to calm my nerves.

"So, why haven't I met your boyfriend? Doesn't he ever take you to lunch?" I looked up and smiled, trying not to show how much that comment had hurt. Even when I did have a boyfriend, none of them came to take me to lunch. I hated that he gave me another reason to feel unwanted.

"Someone has to watch the place while your out with Seth," I said and tried to ignore him by doing work that I didn't really have.

"I don't think Seth would mind, I could always bring some food here I guess. I must admit I have wanted to try out his desk, if you know what I mean." Brad was evil; I could tell by the way he was laughing at his own joke. I was having a hard time believing he was only joking though.

I stood and walked into Seth's office. He had been on the phone when Brad got here, and seemed to still be on it. Seth took one look at me then told who ever it was that he really needed to go.

"What's wrong?" he asked and moved to me. I put my hands up to stop him; I really didn't want him near me.

"I would really like to get everything out in the open before I leave." I said and leaned up against the door, just in case Brad tried to come in before I was done saying what I had to say.

"Out in the open?" Seth asked and sat down on his desks top.

"Yeah. See I have liked you sense I first started here. I never thought that you would feel the same way so I just kept my feelings to myself. Then last month you asked me out. Do you know how happy that made me? How totally ecstatic I was that you would want to go on even one date with me?" I brushed my hair out of my face then grabbed some at the back of my neck before continuing. "Then, the next day, you acted like it never happened. And okay yeah, I was hurt, but I guess it was my fault for having gotten my hopes up. But that isn't okay Seth; you can't do that to people. It's wrong to play with peoples emotions as if they don't matter.

"I thought I could deal with this whole you and Brad thing, but I can't. I'm tired of him making me feel like I'm less then him. And I'm tired of watching you with him. I know I should be a grown up, just do my job or whatever, but I can't. I'm quitting, and I'll be done here by the end of the day."

"I don't know what to say Reed," he said. I looked up to find his eyes at his hands. How about I'm sorry? How about I'll kick Brad to the curb for hurting your feelings? How about I need you to stay?

"That's okay," was all I could get out. Maybe my politeness had started because I was scared of confrontation. I was scared of what else he was going to say, and saying "its okay" would magically make him not say things I didn't want to hear. "Anyway, Brad's waiting to go to lunch with you and I have to finish some things." I opened the door and come face to face with Brad, who was smiling like the villain he is. "He's all yours," I said and moved back to my deck.

I ignored Seth for the rest of the day, which I'm sure he didn't notice. I made arrangement for one of those temp girls that Seth hated to fill in for me till he could hire someone on permanently. It took most of the day to get all my stuff out of the desk and the rest of the office. After three years stuff does start to pile up though I guess. After I throw out all the useless crap that was only taking up space in the first place, I had a single small box of things to bring home.

It contained only a few things. Toothbrush, day planner, CD's, and other stuff like that. But I did find something that I didn't remember bringing to the office. I had probably done it to show Seth then promptly forgot.

It was a five by six inch photograph of Seth and me from last thanksgiving. He had joined us at my Grandparent's house for the holiday. We had been walking around the back yard, talking about work, when he stopped under a tree and looked straight up.

"This tree must be really old, it's so big," he said then looked back at me.

"My great-grandmother plated it when she found out that she was going to have my grandpa," I informed and leaned up against the trunk. "I used to come out here a lot and try to clime up it. I can't even reach the branches at my height now; I don't know what I was thinking back then." We laughed. I loved his laugh, so smooth and alive.

"Your hair is getting long again," he said and tucked one of my locks behind my ear and smiling at me with his eyes. It seems that is when the picture was taken, when his fingers had moved across my cheek to move the hair. Wes had to have been a few hundred feet away when taking it, but the quality was so good it looked to only been a few feet. That's what Wes did for a living, by the way, take photographs.

Today I was going to leave a little early. I didn't want to talk to Seth right then, and if we left at the same time words would mostly like be exchanged.

I placed the picture down in the middle of my desk, along with me keys to the office, and left.

*******

"How goes the job search?" Dad asked as we loaded up his rented truck with more stuff to bring to the junk yard. I just shook my head.

After Wes and I had left them at my Grandparent's house to finish the cleaning, my mother said it was too hard for her. Grandma had been like another mother to her. Mom had gotten pregnant with Wes at sixteen, and when her father found out he kicked her right to the street. Her mother, all the while, was calling her a dirty slut. Grandma took Mom in, making her and Dad sleep in separate rooms till they got married three weeks later.

"It hadn't been a shoot gun wedding or anything," Grandma always said when telling me the story. "I asked your father what he wanted to do and he told me "I want to marry her" so I let them do it. They lived with us till he finished college, got a job, and could deal with having to pay for everything. Wes was such a good boy back then."

After I quit working with Seth, Dad and I got Mom to come back to finish the job. The load we were taking to the junk yard would be the last. The only things left in the house was it's furniture and the boxes of stuff Mom wanted to bring home with her. Which contained pretty much everything my grandparents owned.

"You aren't going to sell the house right?" It had been in our family for three generations now; it would break my heart to see it go to someone else.

"Mom doesn't want to, but I don't really feel like commuting three hours a day for work. Maybe we should rent it out while we decided what to do." This is the perfect time to ask. I knew that it was risky but I had to try.

"Dad, do you think, I can have it?" I said after gathering all my courage.

"Have what?" He was driving. He and Wes are alike in that sense, when you try talking to them while driving. They mumble, ignore, or are really slow on the up take.

"The house Dad, can I have it?" He looked over at me before returning his eyes to the road.

"Reed, it's a really big house. There was still too much room when your grandparent's, your mom and I, Wes, and all our crap was living there."

"I know, but I love that house so much, and I don't have anything but you guys and Wes keeping me in the City. It's not like I'm going to get lonely, I already know people in this town. Plus, you know Wes; he'll be out here every other day to check on me. I think it would be a good change for me." That sounded believable. It was all true, mostly.

"Is this because of Seth?" Dad had never been too comfortable with my homosexuality but I knew that he loved me no matter what. Mom had been kicked out of her family's life, she knew the pain that came along with it, so she made it clear from day one that I would always be her son no matter what I did. Dad hadn't gone through it, but he'd been there when she would cry about missing her parents and siblings, and promised her he wouldn't ever do something like that to their children. I don't think they ever expected me to turn out gay, but their rule was still there.

"No," I said and focused on the trees moving by outside.

"You know, I had always hoped that you would end up with him," Dad said surprising me. We never talked about my love life. "He's a good man, and I knew he could have made you happy. But it's his loss you know? Someday, you are going to find someone that sees how special you are, and they will love you for it." He took his hand off the steering wheel, something I've never seen him do before, and patting my check. "If moving out here is what you want to do, then I'll let you," he smile at me then eclipsed into comfortable silence.

*******

The first morning that I woke up in the house, everything was bathed in a beautiful yellow tint. Remembering the last time I had seen this color I made my way out to the huge wooden porch, over looking the backyard. I sat down in that same plastic white chair and leaned my arms against the railing. I felt happy for the first time in months.

This yellow tint felt like a sign, from God maybe, that everything was going to turn out okay.

I stood and stretched, getting all the kinks out of my muscles. I patted the railing twice.

"Thanks, I needed that."

*******

"So Camble, how you feeling buddy?" Rhonda asked me early one morning.

"Well, thank you." She'd always called me buddy, a fact that I loved, it made me feel like I was really her kid rather then a random person living in her and Mac's house. "How are you?" I sat down at the kitchen table with a mug of coffee.

"Fine, just fine dear... Speaking of fine did you know Emily and Peter's grandson moved into their home?" Emily and Peter Timmy had gone to gone to high school with Mac and Rhonda. They'd stayed friends over the years, and later became mine also. Even now, months after their passing I had urges to go mow their lawn or bring the Sunday paper by.

"What does that have to do with being fine?" I asked and shook my head.

"Everything, he's a nice piece of ass." I gasped at her and started laughing, shaking the whole table along with me.

"Rhonda, you're sixty-five years old, you aren't aloud to say that," I said and rubbed a hand across my face, though hearing that from her wasn't that big of a surprise. She and Emily used to have cussing battles at every gathering we had.

"I think you should go by and see him, I'm sure he's lonely," she said ignoring my comment on her age.

"And I think you should stop trying to set me up," I said standing. She reached over and hugged me tightly to her small frame.

"You haven't had sex in a while buddy, it's time to get back in the game," she said patting my cheek and handing me the keys to my truck. How the hell did she know that?

"I'm never telling Mac about my love life again," I mumbled walking out the back door, he had a big mouth.