tagHumor & SatireYou Want To Go On What Diet?

You Want To Go On What Diet?


My wife has got it into her mind she is fat. When I tell her she's crazy she gives me a hard time. After I tell you this story, you make the call on who needs a shrink.

I'm David and my wife is Carol. We have known each other since grade school were high school sweethearts and went to college together. We have been married 21 years, no kids and for all practical purposes, built a great life together. We have been faithful except for that one time in Jamaica, when we were first married and met two other couples our age. Needless to say we dabbled in swinging for a week and that got it out of our system. I only add that for reference purposes if it may help explain things.

Carol is a diet junkie and a complete ditz. She is also the sweetest person on earth. She believes she is overweight and that help is required for her to lose the pounds. First let me put some cold hard facts on the table. Carol is 44, 5'6" and 152 pounds. When we were first married (21 years) she was 5'6" and 138 pounds. In high school she was 5'5" and 132 pounds. Do you see where I'm going? These variances are well within the range of weight and age. Carol does visual inspections on herself, daily. I think she intentionally buys clothes one size to small to motivate her to lose several pounds.

She keeps tabs on friends from high school and if she see's one of them or get's on line, always tells me how good they look. You can tell, especially on the internet that her old girlfriends are still posting earlier pictures of themselves. Just last week we ran into her friend Amy from high school. Amy was a runt in school, maybe all of 100 pounds with wavy blonde hair. Her picture on line looks the same. Well, walking towards us last week was a grey haired, short oversized woman we did a double take to recognize as Amy. In fact, Amy noticed us first. Amy is on the north side of 200 pounds, no tits and a backside that could rival an eclipse if she could hold it to the sky.

The conversation was weird to. Amy told Carol how great she looked, which my wife ignored, but Carol told Amy how good she looked. I thought at the time to stop at an Eyemasters store for Carol to have an exam.

To be perfectly honest, could Carol have less weight, yes. But what does one expect at 44, to still have the body of a 20 year old? The tits sag some, but hey, they are 36DD, that much meat will drop some. Yes the hips can pinch an inch and the backside is a little wider, for a fact though, most of the guys I know would not chase her out of the bedroom.

I cannot tell you all the diets she been on. Testimony is in the brochures, samples and the leftover units we have stuck in spare places. South Beach; Hollywood; Adkins; Scarsdale; Weight Watchers; Jenny Craig; Nutrisystem; Slim Fast are just some of the more well known that have come and gone through our doors. I have also seen some lesser known diets, such as Cabbage soup; chicken soup; acai berry; and chocolate soup. We have a jar of this, a bag of that in our spare rooms. It's dreadful that Carol hasn't stayed on one for any time period. I don't know if any would work since she gets bored with them quickly or worse yet, saw or heard about a new one and jumped on that.

She has lost weight, upwards of 15 pounds over several weeks. But whatever she does, she reverts back and the weight is on again to her dismay. Talking to her about this is like trying to get an average dog to stop sniffing the ass of another one -- impossible.

Carol has dragged me along when she goes on these binges. I have suffered through these diets and worse. Sometimes the nausea of what we're eating makes me sick and as often as I can sneak away, I get myself some burgers and fries. I'm like my wife; I've gained some since school, 175 to 191 at 6'. I walk a lot, use the treadmill at home, no smoking, and drink very occasionally, usually a light beer or wine. The former six pack is behind a buttery wall but my labs are ok and I don't suffer health wise. Carol is in excellent health as well and our doctor scoffs at the idea of all these diets, even telling her how dangerous some are.

Most of our friends think she is a little goofy chasing all these fixes and that she is great looking for this stage of her life. I'm a little upset over the amount of time and money that has been spent over these "fixes" when we could save more or even take an occasional vacation. Since we both work we make enough to live a little better than we do.

Recently Carol has been scanning the internet for any new diets that are being discussed. Since Oprah and others really don't do shows on them anymore, the internet is really the one place that touts these plans. Carol has been excited over something lately but has not informed me yet what it is. Hopefully it's not like some diet that in the past a vulture would pass on.

Yesterday on my way home, Carol called me and asked how far I was away. When I said 10 minutes, she told me she would have dinner on the table and she wanted to inform me on her diet she was going to start. O boy, I couldn't wait.

Was I shocked on entering the dining room. Mashed potatoes, green beans and freshly made chicken tenders in large quantity were laid out before me. This was a meal for the gods. I had not had a meal like this in over a decade, most of the time it was a powder of this, pills of that or worse, a planned out portion of cardboard tasting crap. If this was the new plan, I was all in and I told Carol so.

Carol smiled and told me to enjoy it; she planned to have this kind of food for me from now on. That news made my pecker hard and I wanted to grab her and fuck her on the table between the plates.

While stuffing my cheeks full like a starving squirrel, Carol began to speak.

"David, I will start my diet tomorrow, but I will need your help."

Barely able to speak due to the excess in my mouth, I asked her what she was talking about. She had just said that this meal and others like it would be the diet.

"No honey, I said that would be your diet, not mine."

My heart sank thinking there was going to be new toothpaste tubes of compressed food laying around the house.

Finally emptying my mouth, I got to ask a coherent question. "What kind of diet are you going on this time?"

Carol stared at me and responded with, "A protein diet."

"Shit Carol, you've been on a dozen of those before."

"Not exactly like this Dave. You see this will be a different protein."

"What do you mean by that? Protein is protein, whether from animal or plant, right?"

Carol smiled at me with an I'm going to teach you look on her face. "No dear, this product contains small amounts of protein that is highly enriched and is there to nourish an organism it protects. You can almost call it the stem cells of protein."

What the fuck she was talking about I couldn't tell you, but I envisioned something expensive and probably hard to get. She looked over at me like a superior, knowing something I did not.

Ever the pragmatist I asked "How much is this going to cost and do we have to special order it?"

Carol started chuckling, "No honey, it's readily available and it's free."

She had my attention and concern. How can anything this dynamite be free? I was beginning to wonder if I needed to take Carol to the emergency room because she obviously had some screws loose.

"Why is something so good for you, according to you, and still be free of cost?" I needed to know.

"Because silly, you can't buy it in a store" rolling her eyes as she conveyed this.

"Carol you have said some wacky things before, but honestly this crap you're spewing out now makes no sense." I remarked as I extended my arms upward in an effort to show my exasperation.

"Oh David, it makes all the sense in the world." as if I'm missing the writing on the wall.

"It's the best protein in the world because it involves sperm cells." was her answer.

"What the fuck did you just say?" dumb founded me blurted out.

As if I didn't hear right she repeated herself and added, "Male sperm is rated as the best protein diet available. It has all the correct nutrients needed to keep weight in check."

My mind had entered the twilight zone and the outer limits combined. Did my wife of 21 years just tell me that she was planning on a diet of male spunk? There was no way I could spit out a coherent sentence so I kept my out of sync thoughts to myself, biting my lip in the process.

Carol was unfazed as if this was normal dinner time conversation. She acted as if she had all the answers so I decided to see just how far her lunacy had taken hold.

I was going to place doubt in her mind, so I started. "Carol, I'm 45 now, I don't produce the same quantity cum as in years past. You would be lucky to get a few tablespoons worth weekly out of me and for sure be under nourished." I thought for sure I had her cornered.

"I thought of that silly, she confessed. I know that you can't possibly alone handle the intake I would need. So I have placed an ad in a swinger magazine for volunteers to give me at least a pint a day."

Again the buzzing noise in my ears was driving me loony. Did she just say she was going to drink sperm from countless other men? How the hell was she going to do that?

I was aghast. "Carol you whore, are you going to be fucking other men?"

"No, of course not."

"Then what the fucking shit are you talking about? You placed an ad in a swinger magazine; these guys are going to expect that from you. You need to grab your coat; I've got to get you committed tonight, as you are absolutely bonkers."

"I am perfectly rational. I will not fuck these guys because that is not the effective way for me to metabolize the nutrients. I will be blowing these guys but I expect most to jack off in a glass so I can get a proper dose."

The thought of busloads of men standing in a line throughout my house ready to empty their nut sacks down my wife's gullet had me ready to get a rope and hang us both. Where did this lunacy stem from? Shit, couldn't she just get liposuction or banding? The dinner I was so enjoying up to now quickly became rancid, so I pushed the plate away.

"Carol, if you need more sex we can talk about it. I'm not averse to taking Viagra or any of that other stuff to make you feel better. Hell, I'll fuck you right now if it will get that nonsense out of your mind."

She started to get a little prissy now and got up from the table, starting to clear it. "Dave, you haven't heard me as usual. I don't need more fucking, I need to drink about one pint of cum a day. That is the diet."

"Fuck you Carol, I hissed. If you think I'm going to let you suck me off like some milking machine your crazy. Plus you won't get that many men who will do this for you."

Carol straighten up and pushed out her titties and informed me that she already had 7 emails from men willing to give her their cock sauce tomorrow.

I had to talk to someone with logic and an unclouded head on their shoulders, so I grabbed my coat and told Carol I would be back later. Driving down our street I had no idea who I was going to talk to and how. All I know is I loved Carol and there was absolutely no way I could or would leave her.

Turning the corner I finally thought of someone who might help. Carol's best friend, Michelle, who happened to be a registered nurse. Shit they shared everything, I'm sure she would know about this blow job diet crap.

I called ahead and Michelle met me at the front door of her home. Michelle was a great girl, she was overweight somewhat but didn't give a shit. Plus she knew about health and stuff and I could trust her to lay out the facts.

"Hey Michelle, what the fuck is up with this diet?"

"Dave, there is no reasonable explanation for her doing this. If she told you that there are healthy things in sperm, she is right. However there have been no studies or reports that drinking cum will lead to any weight loss or better health for that matter." Michelle stated bluntly.

"So why would she do this, unless she just wants to fuck around?"

"Carol is convinced after reading a couple of stories on this that it will work. As you well know once that seed is planted, it's going to grow and she won't change her mind. What are you going to do?"

"What the hell can I do? I don't want a divorce or separation; neither can I come home and watch a slew of men standing there unloading their balls into beakers or worse, Carol's tonsils."

"Dave, if it's any consolation, she will not be fucking them."

"Fucking, sucking makes no difference. I don't want a shitload of strangers messing with Carol in any way."

"Well it sounds like you will have to make a decision. Keep in mind though that Carol's weakness is that she never holds fast to any of these diets. This could be short lived and if you make a wrong choice on what to do, you may regret it later."

Damm if she didn't have a point there. What if I left her and she stopped in a week or so and my life with her was over. I couldn't leave her, but I couldn't stay either. I did have an idea, but I would have to talk with my boss first.

My company had just opened a branch in the next state, by car it would be 8-9 hour drive. They had not hired anyone to manage it, so I made a proposal to the firm. I would move there to run it in the short term, up to 6 months while I trained a replacement. My assistant would fill in for me. No raise for me but the caveat was that I would stay in an extended stay suite and that every 6-7 weeks I would have a 4 day weekend. My reasoning was that I could convince Carol that this was part of my job (to live away from her); the move was not permanent (therefore the suite); I would have an extended time to come home and be with her. My boss agreed with the whole proposal, Carol reluctantly agreed, but wanted me home more often. I wanted time for this cockamamie diet of hers to peter out.

I would get updates from Carol's friend Michelle, who appeared to be on my side with this as well as my buddy Eddie to make sure that things were safe and secure.

The first couple of weeks went quickly for me. I stayed busy establishing the office, learning my subordinates and getting to know the local customer base. However every evening I would call both home without too many questions, which I saved for Michelle and Eddy. Evidently Carol had proceeded with her plan but with relief, if you could even possibly call it that, most of her "diet" came from jack offs and not blowjobs. This is not to say she didn't, but according to Michelle she got a lot of spunk from hand jobs both from my wife and the donors. Carol would tell me everyday that she missed me and was horny, something I found hard to fathom when she was having a cocktail of 20-30 cumloads.

Rapidly the time approached where I could take my 4 day break. Somehow I wasn't overly excited about it since the reports I was getting were not encouraging as far as Carol quitting her weird diet. In fact she seemed to profess how well it was working, which thrilled her and just gave me the urge to purge on food and drink. In fact with my small four walls in the suite and hours I kept, that's exactly what I was doing. Eating a lot of takeout and late night meals, with micro waved snacks to boot. Plus the beer bottle at night became the six pack and I was buying the 24 bottle cases often. My clothes were tighter and I had to enlarge my wardrobe. Since all that was happening, I skipped on my first break to go home and see Carol; instead I hibernated in my suite with pizza's, beer and porn. I had rented a number of porn titles and would erase my horniness with my left hand and a Coors.

Time swiftly went by and my next break was fast approaching. It had been almost 3 months since last seeing Carol and there was no way that I could avoid it any longer. Michelle had informed me that Carol was worried about my absence and was fearful I was leaving her. I had to face the music and somehow come to grips that Carol was not giving up on her diet.

So, home I went, giving Carol a call when I was still about an hour out from town. She was ecstatic to hear from me and immediately said she would be ready so we could go out for dinner. That pleased me; at least we would be at another place where the talk may not directly fixate on her diet.

Pulling into the drive, my stomach in knots, I knew that I had been avoiding my decision. The urge to stay with Carol, considering what she was doing to our marriage, was huge but not unbreakable. Entering the house I was relieved to find it neat and clean smelling, I guess my mind was awaiting semen odor and cum stains on the carpet and furniture. Carol heard me enter and yelled from upstairs that she would be right down.

When she did, my breath left my body in a rush. She was wearing an exquisite teal colored cocktail dress that left little for the eyes to challenge the brain with. Carol, always pretty, was drop dead hot. Her hair was trimmed in a new style and had streaks of blonde throughout taking a few years off. Her figure was divine, her tits, her outstanding feature were still the same size but suddenly looked more pronounced on her ribcage. Carol had lost weight, arms, legs, hip areas. Her face and skin had a porcelain appearance and was cosmetically clean and pristine looking. I had to take a hurtful gulp of saliva, but she was breathtaking to behold and in an instant I decided then and there that I could never truly leave her, no matter how goofy or weird things got.

Carol rushed into my arms and we embraced and kissed till we needed oxygen back in our brains to keep from passing out. I and my dick had the overwhelming urge to take her back to the bedroom and devour her body. But sense took hold and we quickly left to go to my old favorite steakhouse for dinner. Our conversation was about work and her youthful look, avoiding the painful talk about her protein intake for now.

Sitting across from her at dinner, I suddenly felt fat. Carol had a side salad and cream soup, me they brought a huge porterhouse steak. The mood was still light and deeper subjects avoided, to a point. When I mentioned her skin tone, the mood changed badly.

"God Carol, I can't get over your complexion. I know you had several wrinkles around your eyes and lip, but they are gone. You look absolutely fabulous."

Carol beamed and sat up straighter, pushing those beautiful tits of hers outward.

"Oh honey, thank you. It's a side benefit of my diet, she said excitingly. I had read about a mixture to use so I did. I take some over the counter moisturizer, some Aloe Vera, cold cream and milk to a mix. I then add some sperm left over from dinner and mix it all up. It works great."

That porterhouse I was enjoying in my mouth suddenly tasted more like a Michelin sidewall. I had to wash it down with the rest of my wine and push the plate away. I knew at some point that crappy diet would come up and my feelings would erupt, at least internally. Carol asked me if anything was wrong, I told her I was full and when we finished we should go.

Once back at the house, I was feeling better since we didn't talk the diet and with Carols advances we were soon making love. Carol's honey box was tight and her muscles strong and I erupted inside her often throughout the night.

The next morning started the problem again. While I fried up some eggs, Carol made a bowl of oatmeal and poured a milky substance from a bottle, drenching the oatmeal. When she informed me this was her morning meal and the stuff was you know what, I got upset and lied to her that I had to head back early to work. She was disappointed but what the hell, staying and watching her diet with the possibility of men coming over made me ill. When I asked how many men had been in our home over the last 3 months, she scoffed, saying that Eddie was helping her out.

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byBigKahunaCat21© 6 comments/ 17682 views/ 5 favorites

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