You've Got Another Thing Coming

This was a quick little story that popped into my head as I drove home from work tonight, while listening to the Judas Priest song by the same name. The story ran a bit longer than I planned, but I hope you like it. It's a bit different.

*****

It was with great shock that my wife confided in me one sultry, summer Saturday morning, that she intended to "get even" with me for the flirting I'd done at a party the previous weekend. Even though I'd never touched or done anything inappropriately, my wife of five years decided that I needed a lesson. I thought it was mostly because the woman I'd flirted with for five minutes—give or take a minute—was Elaine's main competition back in high school. It seems like everyone has a nemesis in school, and Gloria was always one-upping Elaine back in the day.

"It looks to me like she's trying to take my husband away since hers ran off!" Elaine yelled to me on our way home that night. "I'm not gonna let that happen! You're * MY * husband, and you're not available for anyone but me!"

"I agree with you, Elaine," I replied calmly. "Really though, I just talked with her for a few minutes out of the whole evening. Sure, we joked around a little, but I didn't do or say anything that I wouldn't have done if you were standing right beside me."

"Did you notice the way she kept touching your arm? Or the way she was twirling her hair on her finger? She was sending you signals! What did you do to make her think it was okay to openly flirt with you like that? Did she ask you to 'fix something' at her house, so you could 'innocently' go over there and fuck her?"

"WHAT??? No! We didn't talk anything like that. I have no intention of 'fixing' anything at her place or doing anything with Gloria that I shouldn't do. Why are you accusing me? I didn't do anything!"

"That's right; you didn't do anything...like tell her to quit, or walk away...or to leave you alone..."

The argument continued for several days, neither one of us wanting to admit we were wrong. I really had done nothing wrong. When Gloria, who had a bit too much to drink, started talking seductively about "market penetration" and "pounding" some sense into her boss at the marketing firm where she worked, I flirted back. But when I saw that she was getting worked up, I made a hasty retreat, with an appropriate excuse. I didn't want to tempt myself to cheat on my wife, but I wasn't going to let her know how risqué the conversation got: Elaine's fire sure didn't need anymore fuel thrown on it.

So, Elaine told me that we were going out dancing tonight and she was going to flirt with any and all of the guys there to see how I liked it. I told her that I wouldn't like it, so I wasn't going to go dancing. She blew up and after a bit told me that if I didn't go and watch, so I could see how it feels, that she was going alone and going to bring a man home and tease him right in front of me.

"Elaine, if you do that, I'll throw you out. That is blatant disrespect and I won't stand for it. I didn't flirt with Gloria but for a few minutes and it was totally above board. I treated her as I would any of the other women at that party, and when I've flirted more with a few of them in the past, you've never gotten upset with me. If you bring a man into MY house to rub it my face, well that is going WAY over the line."

"Then that's just what I'll do. You need to be taught a lesson about flirting and tonight is the time."

"Oh, what about you? Are you trying to tell me that you never flirt? I've seen you flirt a LOT more than Gloria did with me! What's good for you is good for me, Elaine."

"That's ridiculous! I don't flirt that much! She was all but asking you to bend her over the couch and do her right there in front of us all! I'm going to get a man tonight and bring him here to show you how it feels!"

"You're already showing me how it feels to be totally disrespected by my wife!" I was getting pissed at this point. I quickly regretted it, but I couldn't stop it from escaping my angry lips, "I don't think that you could find a man stupid enough to come into MY house, and flirt with you—not even if you offered him some pussy to do it!"

Elaine's chin dropped and her eyes bulged. I'd really done it; I threw down the gauntlet at her feet. "Okay, smartass, that's EXACTLY what I'm gonna do, and you can't do ANYTHING to stop me! There's plenty of men out there that would be happy to get a piece of me, and if they can stick it to you at the same time, it'll be a great big bonus!" It was time for my chin to drop. She continued her tirade as she left the room, "I'll show you, Eric! You'll be sorry that you EVER flirted with Gloria and crossed me, you lousy son-of-a-bitch!"

I heard the word "Asshole," right before our bedroom door slammed. And that was all I'd see of Elaine until she was ready to go out that night.

There's a couple things that you should know about us. First is that in high school and college, I was a six foot-four, all-star lineman on the football team. When I graduated college, two agents both thought enough of my chances in the draft to approach me about representation. I decided that I liked my chances in the business world better (and as time showed, correctly so), and passed on the NFL. Also, I'm in better shape now than I was then.

Secondly, we live in a small town—and I do mean small. We all know everybody else in town by name. I'm very well liked and respected around town, but there are only a very few guys who wouldn't respect me enough to fall for Elaine's plan, even then only after a few beers, but there was just one guy in town that was arrogant enough to actually try it. What a coincidence that it was my old high school nemesis, Woody Floyd.

In high school, Woody was big and bulky enough to stand up to me and in a fair fight, I'm not sure of the winner. Nowadays, whereas I'm well toned and muscular, Woody is a bit out of shape from all the constant weight lifting he did. He lifted weights alright...twelve ounces at a time. And he'd be found the same place he always was on Saturday nights (as well as several other nights through the week), on the last barstool at the Rainbow's End Bar & Grill.

I did my weekly household lawn chores and piddled around the garage as a plan came together just in case Elaine's foolish pride took her down to the Rainbow's End that evening. Of course, I'd try to apologize because even I knew that I'd crossed a line any sane married man shouldn't have wandered close to, but I stupidly did it in a moment of anger, and regretted it even before the door slammed.

If Elaine came out of our bedroom before eight that night, it was while I was outside. When she did come out, she was dressed to kill, as I'd expected. She made a big deal of coming into the room, so I'd be sure to see her.

As she fluttered about setting her purse out, checking to make sure her keys were in there for the third time, and generally making a show of herself to call attention to her outfit, I broke the silence, "Elaine, I owe you an apology. I should never have said that remark..."

It's too late for apologies now, asshole. I'm going out and I'm bringing home a real man to show you how it feels. If I have to screw him, then so be it, you son-of-a-bitch!"

"Elaine, I'm sorry for that remark and it certainly isn't true. Please, don't do this to us."

"You started this when you openly flirted with that skank Gloria. This is your punishment, so you won't do it again. This is the only way I can see to get through to you just exactly what you've done." She gathered her keys and headed out the door to the garage. As a parting shot, she spat out, "I'd say 'don't wait up,' but that would defeat the whole purpose!" She laughed as she slammed the door in my face.

I opened the door and shouted to her, "If you bring another man into my home, you won't like what will happen!"

She flipped me "the bird" as she got in her car and closed the door. I watched as she backed out and drove off towards the Rainbow's End. I'd have a bite to eat, then put my plan into motion.

Sure enough, when I called my friend Stan, another regular at the Rainbow's End, thirty minutes later, he confirmed that Elaine had been hanging around Woody ever since she walked in. They were dancing some and groping a bit, but she wouldn't let him go too far, even though he tried. They were being loud and making sure that everyone saw them together. I didn't like it, but it was what I was expecting her to do. Time for the rest of my plan to begin.

It was just after nine thirty, when the Elaine and Woody made a big deal of coming in through the front door, after drunkenly yelling endearments to each other in the front yard, and lightly making out for all the neighbors to see. I sat in my chair and calmly pulled the newspaper in front of me when I heard them approach the door.

Flinging the door open, Elaine made sure that I knew she was home and I noticed from the corner of my eye—I refused to look directly at them—that his arm was around her and he pulled her close as Woody spoke, "Hey loser, Elaine and I've been having a blast tonight! You should've seen us dancing up a storm. She's got some hot moves and I just love it when she grinds her pussy up my thigh! Now, she tells me that I can come over to your house and fuck your wife, in your bed! She made my day—hell my whole week! I can't believe it's true! I can't wait to see her naked! Of course, I've already been feeling her up, and I've got a pretty good idea what's in store for me..."

"No, you don't," I calmly stated.

"What? I think I do..."

"That's always been one of your biggest problems, Woody. You DON'T think. So, Elaine...Woody, let me get this straight: you two come into MY house, and tell me that MY wife is going to fuck another man, in MY bed, and you think I'm going to let it happen? Man, you've got another thing comin'!"

Elaine added her two cents to the mix, "That's right asshole, I'm gonna fuck him in your bed and there's nothing you can do about it!"

"What are you gonna do about it, loser?" mocked Woody. You haven't got the muscles or the balls to stop me. Go ahead, get out of that chair, asswipe! Elaine and I will swear that you attacked us when the cops come, and in the meantime, I'll be kicking your ass from here to town! While you're in jail, I'll be fucking your wife in your bed every day! It's a win-win for us, so go ahead and try to stop us, limp dick!"

"I'm not going to move an inch, and you two will go nowhere near MY bedroom tonight!"

"Right...how you gonna do that?" queried Elaine.

"With one word," I replied, "LADIES!"

As soon as I'd given the signal, my wife's mother and sister darted into the room verbally attacking Elaine with phrases like, "How could you do this to a good man like Eric?" and "I thought I raised you better than this!"

Right behind them were Woody's wife and mother-in-law, who laid into him in a similar manor. The looks on their faces were priceless. They were both so shell-shocked that they were frozen in place, but Woody did remove his arm from around my wife like she had lice as soon as the women bore down on them like a herd of angry shoppers descend on a sales clerk with the last item of the half off sale on Black Friday. I raised my newspaper back up so they couldn't see me laughing my ass off. I suppose the shaking paper gave it away, though.

After twenty minutes of bitching, belittling and guilting, Woody's mother-in-law actually grabbed his ear and dragged him out the front door, followed by his wife. The only sex he'll be having for a while is with Rosey Palm and her five sisters.

Elaine's mom, Carol and Ann kept it up for another ten minutes. Elaine looked like she wanted to curl up in the fetal position on the end of the couch and hope the world go away for a few days. Ann wrapped it up, "and you did all this because he flirted with Gloria Greene for five minutes? I can't believe you! You're a much bigger flirt than he is! I was at that party and I saw it all; Eric did NOTHING wrong! I even heard him make an excuse to get away from her, you stupid cow!"

We all just stared at Elaine for a few minutes, then Carol said that they should probably be going and let us work it out.

I asked, "Can you take her with you...just for a few days? I'm not sure I trust myself around her right now."

"Eric, I can see why you want to get her out of your sight for a while," Carol sagely replied, "but you won't be able to talk this out and work it through if she's not here with you. Besides, I know you and if you were going to get violent, you wouldn't have called us. She's safe here."

"Yeah, but am I?" I winked at Carol.

"You'll be fine, unlike my precious daughter if she tries anything like this again! Goodnight, and good luck to you both." After hugs and kisses from both of them, Ann's hug was a little longer than usual I noted, they left.

I sat back down in my chair and flipped on the television. After the news, I turned it off, and a meek voice from the far end of the couch said, "I can't believe you called my mother."

"All's fair in love and war...and this was both. I think it would be best if you used the guest bedroom for a while. Goodnight."

*****

I'm not planning a sequel, and I realize that in some ways it's not finished. If anyone feels the need to "finish it," you have my blessing. Please email me when you post it, as I'm curious how it comes out! LOL