tagHumor & SatireZebras May Have Some New Stripes…

Zebras May Have Some New Stripes…


Zebras May Have Some New Stripes...

...But Old Maids Are Still Old Maids

What is going on today? Why are there so many attractive and available women everywhere I look? More and more women are, reluctantly (some happily), making their way without a man and living at home or living alone or living with a female roommate who is hot, also. Not to mention, more and more woman are turning (gulp) lesbian and do not need (gulp, again) men.

"Dude, she has a roommate."

"So, you want me to be the Wingman?"

"No way, Dude, her roommate is gorgeous, too."

"Do you think, maybe, she'll agree to a foursome?"

Then, later, that evening...

"Sorry, Dude, I did not know they were lesbian."

All my friends have these gorgeous daughters that are still single, who do not have a steady boyfriend even, and all are of the mindset that guys are jerks. Okay, that is a point that I cannot defend. Guys are jerks. The good ones are already taken. Sorry, I am taken already but, uhm; give me a call when my girlfriend is not home. We'll talk. See? Darn. I just proved my point. Guys are jerks.

Many of these hot, single women are college educated and have good paying professional jobs. For those guys who think that a good paying professional job for a woman is a job as a hooker or stripper or both, those are not the jobs to which I am referring. I am talking about jobs as Administrative Assistants, Secretaries, Dental Hygienists, Saleswomen, Realtors, Teachers, Nurses, Doctors, Lawyers, and Accountants.

Some of these women are drop dead gorgeous. Others are just plain sweet and do not even know how to spell bitch, do not understand the reason for a divorce settlement or what child support or a restraining order is. (That is, until they marry you.) Yet, what is wrong with you guys? Have you all lost your minds? Hello?

"Commit, commit, commit, you are getting very sleepy, commit, your eyelids are very heavy, commit, you cannot stay awake much longer, commit, you will marry your girlfriend, commit."

"Sorry, Honey, I told you this hypnotism shit does not work on me. Besides, I am not ready to commit to you. Now, can you move out of the way of the big screen so that I can watch the rest of the ballgame?"

I bumped into this woman, Christine, at the mall a few months ago. We worked together for an employer once that I left for a better job. Now, Christine is an ex-model. No, she's not one of those emaciated models; Christine has a nice C cup rack, a round ass, and a designated waistline with a flat toned stomach, and long, shapely legs. Not only does she have a beautiful face, she has a voluptuous body, and, here's the bonus, a brain. She's a college graduate, albeit an Art History major. This is where I will hear from all the Art History majors but seriously, your degree does not translate into dollars in the business world, as would a Bachelors degree in Business.

Nonetheless, she is the total package. I dare say that she intimidates men with her looks and her brain power. And when she wears her reading glasses with her hair pinned up and makeup with that ruby red lip gloss, I imagine her wearing her Catholic high school girl outfit, you know, the one with the plaid skirt, the white blouse, and the knee socks. She tells me that she's been naughty, very naughty and wants me bend her over my knee, lift up her skirt, pull down her panty and spank her. The spanking turns her on so much that she falls to her knees between my legs, unzips me, takes out my cock, and gives me one of those interactive blow jobs where her head is bobbing up and down, as she is moaning. Geez, is it hot in here or is it just me? Suddenly, I'm flushed. Sorry, I digress.

The last that I heard, Christine was going out with this great guy and expecting an engagement ring at Christmas. Well, Santa was not kind to Christine and Christmas came and went without so much as a Victoria Secret gift box of sexy lingerie. This great guy turned out to be a real Bozo. He did not come across with the ring because he could not commit. She bounced him out on the pavement. Hey, I saw this guy and even at my age, I am way better looking than he is, have a better body, (have more modesty), and am a college graduate. This "nitwit" is a loser construction worker, that is, when he works. What she ever saw in him is beyond me. Yeah, yeah, maybe he has a big dick. Why not? He certainly is a dickhead for fucking up that relationship with someone like Christine. Trust me; he will never do better than her.

Note: The author is not implying that all construction workers are losers, only this particular construction worker because he only works in the good weather and then collects unemployment every winter, still lives at home with his mother, and mooches off his friends and relatives.

Now, if I were 10 years younger, okay, okay, 25 years younger, she would be mine.

At what age do you guys anticipate putting an end to the screwing around, getting married, and starting a family? Okay, I hear answers like never, 40-years-old, 60-years-old, and when they make it legal to have more than one wife without mother-in-laws. Now, that is a response that I like. Nonetheless, do you think that these hot, available women who are now in their twenties are going to wait for the likes of you? Most women want to marry before they turn 30. Like Peter Pan always hearing the ticking clock that the crocodile swallowed, once, they hit 25; they begin to hear the clock ticking the time down to when they can still safely have normal babies.

"So, tell me, Freddie, why do you write for Literotica?"

"My Mom gave birth to me when she was in her forties."


Because of the shortage of real men, men who want to settle down and commit to one woman; women have lowered their standards. Now, these hot, available women are pairing up with geeky guys or guys who they would not ordinarily considered, guys who they wrongly imagine they can change, guys who have been their best friends growing up, and guys who came in second place in the gene pool and who were not considered as potential lovers and/or for marriage. As the years pass women become more desperate making the above mention men more appealing. Yes, you with the eyeglasses, pimples on your face, and pocket protector in your pocket, now, is your chance to lay claim to a really hot, albeit desperate woman.

"Yeah, he drinks, gambles, takes drugs socially, and chases women, especially strippers, but I think that I can change him, once I am pregnant with his baby."

Now, there's a woman who will be telling her sad story on Jerry Springer, soon.

"Jerry, he drinks, gambles, takes drugs socially, and chases women, especially strippers but I thought that I could change him once my baby was born. Then, I found out that he was having a threesome with two strippers in my bed while I was delivering his baby. He told me that he could not come to the hospital because he was working."

"And, seriously, why would you think that you could change him? You should have known that when you found out about the affair he had with your mother and your three sisters. The fact that he had an affair with two strippers in your bed while you are delivering his baby at the hospital is unbelievable. It sounds to me, that your plan on changing him is not working."

Can anyone clue me in or have I aged so much that this is the new world order? Why men are not committing? Why are guys waiting to marry until they are forced into it when they are forty-four-years-old or when their long-time live-in girlfriend is suddenly pregnant with their third baby?

"How do I know those kids are mine?"

"Listen, Dwayne, the 1-year-old drinks formula like a fish just like Daddy drinks beer, the 4-year-old looks up everyone's dress and grabs their boobs, and I caught our 7-year-old playing craps out back. Yes, they are all your children."

"Cool but I am still not ready for marriage. I need more time."

I went steady at 17 and married my sweetheart at 22. Today, I see more and more women in their late twenties, early to mid thirties, and forties even who are absolute knockouts with no man in their lives. Women who I would get down on one knee in a second and propose my lifelong love just to hold their hand.

It makes me bite my hand and hold my heart (and my groin) when I leave their presence.

"Vinnie, did you see her? Oh, my God! If I was 20 years younger, she'd be mine."

"Yeah, she really was gorgeous, Freddie, but look over there."


"The deli."

"Oh, my." I look as a strikingly beautiful, blonde woman about 30-years-old leans in and bends closer to the deli case showing the roundness of her perfect ass. "Oh, my!"

"Psst, Freddie, she's not wearing any rings."

"Yeah, and she's not wearing any panties beneath those linen pants, either."

Seriously, though, what is wrong with you guys? Don't you want to marry, have crying, costly, and needy children, remain faithful to a sexless marriage, pay a second and third mortgage that you cannot afford and will never pay off, have huge credit card debt, pull you hair out of your head when your slutty, unwed daughter gets pregnant again but from a different guy and your drugged out teenager, good for nothing, son wrecks the car, again. Then, there is college tuition bills that will guarantee that you will work until you are 75-years-old, unless, of course, you die of a heart attack first.

"Someone help! Freddie had a heart attack...again."

"Nah! He's just faking it...again. He's got those college tuition bills still to pay. C'mon, Freddie, get up and get back to work."

Geez, what the Hell is wrong with me? I should have stayed single. You guys have the right idea. Imagine the amount of money I could have squirreled away had I stayed single. I never would have put out a dime for the hundreds of pairs of shoes my wife had to buy, the braces for my kids, their first cars, college tuition bills, and their weddings.

"Why did God not make me gay?"

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byBOSTONFICTIONWRITER© 8 comments/ 24617 views/ 0 favorites
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