Zombie Wife and Officer Midnight

People talk about their lives being complicated. It's a fact, everyone's is! But the issues I seem to deal with, are more the incredibly, bizarre situations that arise, from said complications.

A while back, I was laid off from my high paying job, of eight years. At the time, I figure I'd take a couple weeks of "Me Time", then, find a new job. Well, seemingly out of nowhere, the economy decided to downturn, so POOF! No jobs! On a different note, it seems my wife of 3 years, Daria, had fallen out of love with me (her words). So, she asked me for a divorce. They say when it rains it pours. Well, it felt like I was naked and helpless in a typhoon!

Daria and I still shared our condominium. I mean, both our names were on the mortgage. I had little money and nowhere to go and Daria was not going anywhere! Since the condo had two bedrooms, we each had our own bedroom. But, we still spent time together, watching television, eating, etc. Just to clarify, the relationship was purely platonic. Daria was no longer interested in any type of physical relationship with me, ever!! She no longer had any romantic feelings for me, in any way or form! Eventually, after about a year or so, I accepted my "new normal". Despite that, it seems the rest of the universe had comprehension issues regarding our "loveless" marriage.

Since a divorce actually costs money, neither of us could afford to pay for it. So our marriage was considered done and over with by Daria. As far as she was concerned we did not need the legal paperwork. It was all just semantics to her, you know? She was firm in her belief and convictions.

In the end, because of my position, at the time and her complete and utter stubbornness, I really had no other choice, than to go along with her decision. So it was done, we modified our relationship from loving couple to platonic roommates.

Since Daria considered our marriage over in her heart and mind, she had no problem, whatsoever, with me having a physical/emotional relationship with another woman. In fact, she encouraged it! A lot of friends seemed to have ethical difficulties with this. They just could not understand that we were no longer in love, but we were still married and that Daria was telling me to "date".

I did date a couple of women and was completely honest with them, about my "situation". They were of course dubious, at first. However, once they saw things with Daria and I with their own eyes, they accepted and even kind of understood the ludicrous, platonic marriage I was in. In fact, Daria met all the women I dated seriously. On occasion, we even all had dinner together. There was no jealousy or anger on anyone's part. Everyone got along. Another thing the majority of people did not understand.

Anyway, after being in our hypothetical marriage for a few years, through the magic of Facebook, I reconnected with an old friend/lover. Her name is Christy. We began spending time together, getting to know one another again. As these things tend to do, one thing led to another and we became lovers, yet again (what can I say? I'm irresistible!). As Christy is, for the most part, "happily married", we needed to keep this on the Q.T. Not even Daria could know. As any hint to anyone of Christy's and my true relationship might have calamitous consequences for Christy and her marriage!

Christy and I would meet at a hotel, from time to time. Christy was not rich, but she was comfortable, so she was able to pay for the rooms. These were truly wonderful, happy, romantic weekends! We would spend quality time together. Eat fried foods, cuddle, do a couple of shots, watch movies, make love and eat ice cream! I would just tell Daria I was spending the weekend at a friend's house, to give her a break. She was just happy that I was out of her hair for a while. A couple of times, late at night, I successfully snuck Christy in and out of my bedroom. Though there was the covert side, ocassionally, Christy would just come by and cordially visit Daria and I, together.

Christy (and like, everyone!) Wanted to know why Daria didn't "use me for sex"? I explained, that she was not interested in sex with me. At first, Christy found this hard to believe (a lot of people did), until the day she went grocery shopping with us. The way Daria interacted with and treated me, Christy was appalled! But, she finally had the epiphany that my current relationship with Daria was not a real marriage!

Because Christy came by, when her schedule permitted, Daria and Christy had established their own friendship. Daria, of course, had no idea of the extent of my relationship with Christy, she thought we were just very good friends. Not that it would really matter to Daria. It might bring Christy's credibility down in Daria's eyes, though. I mean, my god, Christy was sleeping with me, Johnny, the man Daria rejected now and forever! But, no matter what, as far as I was concerned, it was Christy's reputation that needed to be protected, at all costs!

So, one night, like good friends will do, Christy came over to visit Daria and I. The three of us were just hanging out, visiting and talking. After a short while, Daria, being the party pooper she is, decided to retire for the evening. She said goodnight, went to her bedroom and closed the door.

Christy and I headed out onto the small balcony, to continue talking and have a smoke. We sat and talked for quite a while.

Seeing Christy, looking beautiful and so sexy in the moonlight, I began playing footsy with her. I then began having naughty thoughts and started feeling adventurously horny! So, I mentioned to Christy how cool it would be for her to give me a blowjob on the couch. I mused, that from that point on, whenever I sit on the couch, I'll remember what we did and have a goofy, happy smile on my face! That way, when Daria is giving me a hard time (the marriage was over, but the nagging continued!), I would always have a pleasant thought to escape to. Besides, Daria loved that couch! If I can find a hidden way to befoul it, more power to me!

Christy looked at me with a cute conniving smirk on her face and chuckled a little. A clear "Christy Sign"! So, I knew she was in!

We quickly headed inside the darkened living room and rushed to the couch! I pulled my shorts down, as my naked ass hit the couch. I was so excited! Christy got on her knees and put her head between my legs. I gently began running my fingers through her long luxurious hair. Christy was amazing! I was in total ecstasy!!

As with many perfect moments in life, as I was lost in pleasure, I heard a noise! Damn, back to reality!

Now, when Daria walks around, late at night, she shuffles in her slippers on the tile floor. You can clearly hear it a mile away. So, I figured, on the off chance, Daria emerged from her room, I would clearly hear her and Christy and I would have plenty of time to compose ourselves or hide!

Well, as it happened, Daria came out of her room, for the first time that I can remember, not shuffling her feet (Really? Seriously?)! She mindlessly headed towards the kitchen! Christy quickly sat next to me on the couch. I tried to pull my shorts up, but I was still "sticking out"! Daria wandered into the kitchen and turned on the light. Christy and I were just a few feet away, trying as best we could to disappear into the couch cushions! Daria lethargically reached into the cabinet and took out a small bag of chocolate drizzle popcorn. She stood there and started slowly eating, staring off into space. I noticed she was not wearing her glasses. She looked half asleep and was in her own little world. She resembled a zombie, mechanically munching on some brains, a few bits at a time. She stared in our general direction, but did not see or hear us. All she would have had to do was look to her right and squint and there would be Christy and I in the dark, with my penis hanging out! We were terrified! We were not moving or even breathing!

Sigh, That was Daria, never paying any attention to her surroundings... Thank god!! We just sat there, frozen in fear and waiting to be caught!

I had lectured Daria for years about not paying attention to her surroundings. How many times had she almost been hit by a shopping cart, at the market? I'd lost count! Now her disregard for her surroundings had saved Christy's and my ass!

Daria munched a little more, gently put the popcorn bag back in the cabinet, shut off the kitchen light and in the darkness, lumbered back to her bedroom and closed the door. Zombie wife had returned to her lair and should not stir again, till the early morning!

Christy and I let out a collective breath of relief!

We turned to one another. We were still in shock! I finally was able to pull my shorts all the way up. Then we began to smile! Had she seen us, zombie wife could have possibly destroyed our lives, like her namesake would devour some poor, helpless victim! But, it didn't happen!

Of course we were too freaked out to continue! We calmed down a little and Christy asked if we could just go in the bedroom and cuddle for a while. I felt that was a wonderful idea! We quietly headed to my bedroom and closed the door. Christy took off her top and we climbed into bed and held each other close, as two people, who genuinely care for one another, do.

Christy is such a trooper. The air condition was broken. It was summer in South Florida. I had two small fans directly on us and we were still baking! But, that did not deter us from cuddling. Think what you want, but I felt something special with Christy and I'm sure she did with me! Just being able to hold one another, for a while. It meant a lot to both of us. We dozed off, in each other's arms.

Now my bedroom is near the front door. So my bedroom window is right off the walkway on the way to the front door.

I woke up seeing someone trying to shine a flashlight through my bedroom window. The shade was of course pulled down. For a moment, I thought I was dreaming. Christy woke up and saw it too! Then, there was a knock at the door! I looked at the clock and it was 11:59pm! Who the fuck is shining a flashlight through my window and knocking at my door at almost midnight!?

I told Christy to stay in my bedroom and I went to answer the door. As I opened the door, I was greeted by a single, uniformed police officer!

Oh My God! Who called the cops and why!? I was of course a little taken aback!

"Good evening, officer." I said in a sleepy daze.

"Are you Johnny Trevor?" he asked.

One of the most awful feelings in all space and time is when a law enforcement official knows your name, before you say it!

"Yes sir". I said, a little more coherent.

"Well, we received reports that a Johnny Trevor is making obscene phone calls."

I was blessed with being the only Johnny Trevor in the general area. So I was suspect Numero Uno!

I do not make obscene phone calls! Any woman I talk to puts up with my pervy shit! Hell, even my lesbian friends! I'm a nice guy. I have references, to that effect! I do love talking sexy with women, but if it came to a point that the conversation turned very sexual, then all those women reciprocated! I never called a woman, breathed heavy, said something rude, lewd or crude and hung up. That's not how I roll!

Let's take a moment and analyze this. What was this sicko doing? Calling women, saying, "Hi baby! Pant , Pant! I wanna eat your dirty panties! By the way, my name is Johnny Trevor and I live in Coral Pines, Florida. Have a nice day!" Then just hanging up!? Also, can't you just trace the phone number? My intuition told me something was very wrong with this whole scenario! But, what is one to do when he is talking to a policeman, at his front door, at midnight, discussing serious (But FALSE!!) allegations?

I felt very confused and concerned.

He asked if I was alone. I informed him of Daria, who was sleeping. He commented he had seen a purse, when looking through the kitchen window.

I wanted Christy to come out and tell the officer how crazy these insinuations were. But I knew better. It would complicate the situation on a lot of levels. I mean, does a sweaty, married woman in your bedroom, help or hurt the obscene phone caller profile? Doesn't matter, it would of course be most complicating to Christy. That was the last thing I wanted!

I advised the officer, that I was able to provide proof of my cell phone number and Daria's as well. Since the officer would not/could not (?) provide me with any further information.

I got my phone and showed him the programmed number. I went into Darias purse, that was sitting near me on the breakfast table, got her phone and showed him the number for that, as well. He jotted both numbers down.

The officer insinuated that neither of these were the number in question.

I asked the officers name. I regret not getting a card! Honestly, I was half asleep, the whole time or I would have approached it all better (I think). All the while, Christy is hearing this and is totally, freaking out!! She told me later, she was frantically pacing in the dark, feeling helpless and unsure of what to do!

The officer then asked why all the lights were off? He seemed to think the power was out (which may explain why he was shining his flashlight, through my windows, at fucking midnight!). As I said, we were having air conditioning issues at that time, so the two windows off the walkway were open, but the power was just fine. I had neglected to turn on any lights, before I answered the door. The light on the walkway, that was just over the front door, was plenty bright. I flicked the light switch on next to the front door, the hallway light came on, proving to the officer, there was power.

He said to me lastly, that the police would be in touch if anything further was required of me. Then he left. Just like that.

I closed the front door. Ran back into my bedroom, grabbed Christy and we began a whispered, frantic discussion.

Me: "Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! What the fuck was that!!???"

Christy: "What is going on tonight!?"

Me: "Welcome to my fucked up life!"

Christy: "I know messed up things happen, but this is the strangest night of my life! What was that all about?"

Me: "I don't know. First thought is my ex (That story could fill volumes! And yes, the relationship occurred while I was only platonically married. I loved her dearly! She crushed my heart! Everything had been a big fat lie.).

We finally calmed down. Well, as much as we could. We figured wait a little bit, then Christy needed to get the hell out of there, before something else happened!

She got dressed; we discussed and agreed that I would definitely follow up on the obscene call thing. Easy enough, since the police station is across the street from my home. In fact, you can see it when you open the front door.

I walked Christy to the door (No, I didn't walk her to her car for fear of... I don't know? Snipers!?). Kissed her goodnight, closed the door and went back to my hot, empty, bed to contemplate a new factor in my consistently fucked up life!

That was also the last time, I saw Christy, alive!!

Just kidding! She came back the next day. Daria was the "zombie wife"!

Prologue:

The next day, I told Daria and my best friend, Dwayne, about the cop. Christy was there as well, pretending to hear about it, for the first time. Dwayne figured that since I've been hitting the sauce more than usual, that I imagined it all. I looked pleadingly at Christy. She returned my helpless gaze. I kept my mouth shut.

Daria figured, the cop was looking for a place close to work. Saw the place was dark and figured he would check it out. That, however, did not explain any of the obscene call allegations.

A couple of days later, I walked the length of my condo's parking lot, just to cross the street to get to the police station. I never had a need to go there, before. A nice receptionist lady gave me a printout showing the officer was at my address at that time and day, for a few minutes and that was all. No notations. At least Dwayne ended up apologizing, once I showed him the empty report. I was also specifically told I was not under any investigation. The nice lady provided me with the officer's phone number, I called and left a message for him, just to clarify a few things. He never called me back.

A month or so later, Daria had received a call from another police officer. He told her he was following up on my obscene call accusation. She did not bother to get any contact information, from him (if it does not concern Daria directly, then it does not matter, even if it concerns false accusations against her "husband/roommate".)!

The next day, I headed to the police station, to see what I could find out. It was really hot and humid! (Welcome to summer in Florida!) I decided to try to take a shortcut, through the bushes. I stepped wrong and hurt my leg so bad, I had to turn around and head home! Turns out, I had fractured it, near my ankle! I required a cast and everything! I swore to Daria I was going to get whoever did this too me! Daria said I did it to myself. I informed her that I would never have been walking to the police station if someone had not reported to the police that Johnny Trevor has been making obscene calls in Coral Pines, Florida! Not to mention, when I inquire about it, I am told, "nothing is going on"! She just waved it off.

A lot happened in our lives over the next couple of months, including a foreclosure and moving to a new place. But then Daria said she got yet another call from the police. Again, following up on me!

She said she had a nice talk with the officer (Who knows what the hell that means!) And proclaimed my innocence and the absurdity of said insinuations (My words, not hers). I believe she said "I told him you don't do that stuff".

I was of course, upset. Daria and I drove to the police station that weekend! I spoke to two sergeants, face to face. They inquired the system, nothing about any investigation. They basically said since there is no information about me, nothing is going on. I told them I was very concerned, as in this day and age, stuff like this can affect your reputation! Even just rumors! The sergeants were both very nice, but not very helpful in alleviating my concerns.

To this day, three years later. I still don't know what it was all about or who accused me.

Not like I can call my ex-girlfriend and say: "Hey Bitch, did you have that cop you're currently fucking, make some calls, accusing me of making obscene phone calls? All of this because a few months before, my kind, lesbian friend felt bad, that you hurt me and tried to send your husband copies of the graphic naked pictures you'd previously sent to me (and him and at least four or five other men, at the time!)?

All this, so your husband could finally see, what a big whore you truly are!? But of course you have complete access to your Hubbies phone and deleted everything! I mean, you have been doing this "whore thing" for many years and have lots of tricks to protect yourself!

Even though the pictures came from a different Florida Area Code and phone number, but, you knew it had to be me!?"

You see, we are not really in touch anymore.

Like I said before, that is a story for another time.