The Dubious Dictionary: Al-An

A collection of arcane and under-appreciated words for the edification, education, and entertainment of the reader. Definitions are included, along with clarification. Also, the word is used in a sentence, where appropriate, to indicate its proper usage in everyday language.

NOTE: An asterisk (*) following a definition indicates that the word and definition are factual and may be found in any good 40 pound dictionary. A less formal approach is taken with other words, and notes are included by the editor (Ed.) for clarification. Also, strict alphabetization is avoided to minimize the possibility of apseudoinhedescense.

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ALLOGAMY: Cross-fertilization.* E.g. "Aww, Hootie Sue, yer so sweet. Iffen we don't git ta the allogamy purty quick, though, I thank ma nuts is agonna 'splode."

ALPACA: Fine wool made from alpaca hair.* Aside from its normal usage, the word is quite versatile. E.g. "Gimme three minutes, Floyd. Alpaca suitcase."

ALK: 1. Sap from turpentine trees.* 2. A common misspelling of the name of a large ruminant of the deer family, the wapiti. 3. The last sound uttered by the subject before performing ahisma (qv).

ALIPHATIC: Pertaining to fats or fat in general.* E.g. Messers Waller and Domino. Also Bill Cosby's "Albert" and a certain New Orleans Tuesday.

ALPHITOPHOBIA: Yetiphobia. The irrational fear of awakening in the morning with a naked sasquach sitting on one's face.

ALTERAGE: Payment to a priest for a mass.* In the case of young boys, this sometimes takes the form of a quick game of "drop the soap" in the rectory shower.

ALPHITOMANCER: One who practices divination using loaves of barley.* E.g. "Goddammit, Martha, how the hell am I supposed to be the Royal Alphitomancer with shit like this ta work with? These here barley loaves look like victims of a napalm attack. Aintcha never gonna larn how ta cook?"

ALVIDUCOUS: Purgative.* E.g. "Gosh, Mr Cosgrove, I'm terribly sorry about your toilet. That lemonade had an alviducous effect on me. Got any industrial strength air freshener?"

ALPHONSIN: Instrument used to extract bullets from bodies.* In contrast, the "gastonsin" (qv) is a .45 caliber instrument used to introduce bullets into bodies.

ALTRICIAL: Having young requiring care for a lengthy period.* E.g. "I know toilet training can be a long and difficult process, Mrs Farquar, but I didn't appreciate what Little Joey just did all over my examination table. Isn't the lad going to start college next month?"

ALUDEL: A Swedish musical instrument. The delicate sound closely resembles that of a large animal passing wind.

AMBEER: Juice from chewing tobacco.* E.g. "Elvina, I see ya started achawin' again. Yer truck gots brown streaks of crusted ambeer all down the side from spittin' outa the winder."

AMBRY: An alcove for church vessels.* Often used as a place of privacy to explore the nether regions of the new altar boy.

AMBISINISTROUS: Inept and awkward with both hands.* When a Son of Onan is ambisinistrous, the accidental slippage of the fist during a vigorous upstroke often results in a broken nose or a thumb in the eye.

ALVEARY: The area of the ear where ear wax (cerumen) accumulates.* Encrusted deposits are often removed by ahisma (qv) or with small explosive charges.

AMERCE: Punish.* E.g. "Well, Cosgrove, I got some bad news fer ya'll. The amerce fer runnin' a red light is three days in jail with yer ears nailed ta the wall."

AMICE: Strip of fine linen worn by a priest at mass.* A versatile item, the amice is also used as a bridle whilst playing "horsie" with the altar boy.

AMNIOMANCER: One who divines by examining afterbirth.* E.g. "Holy shit, Horatio! According to this placenta, tomorrow is gonna be a busy day. A plague of locusts will be visited upon us, and I'm gonna blow the paper boy."

AMORETTO: Cherub or spirit of love.* E.g. "Ohh, Giuseppi, I feel as if I've been visited by an amoretto. Let me get my legs wrapped around your neck."

AMRITA: That still, soft inner voice that comes in the night, whispering, "Does the molybdenum coating on those pistons really reduce the friction coefficient, or am I just living in a fool's paradise?"

AMBUSTION: Burn or scald.* E.g. "Good grief, Claude, ya stuck the wrong weenie in the campfire again an' got ambustion! Now put that thang back in yer pants an' quit awhinin'. I got ma doubts y'all's ever gonna be Boy Scout material."

AMNICOLIST: A woman who poses as a physician, has a yellow Playtex glove, and gives free prostate examinations to homeless men in parks and alleyways. A mildly eccentric but essentially harmless hobby

ANACARDIC: Of or related to cashews.* The cashew, admittedly, is a prince amongst nuts and a rare find in a dish of Planter's mixed. It is felt, however, that having its own adjective is a bit over the top. Ed.

AMPELIDIOUS: Of or relating to vines.* E.g. "Ohh, Jose, you make me so hot. Let's meet tonight amongst the ampelidious greenery and play hide the salami."

AMPHIMIXIS: That uneasy premonition, just before sleep, that one will awaken with a naked, sweaty Jessie Ventura sitting on one's face.

ANACAMPSEROTE: Something which can bring back a lost love.* E.g. "Aww, com'on, Evelyn. Please gimme another chance. This here Viagra is a real anacampserote."

AMPHISBAENA: Having the ability to urinate both on dry land and under water. Common in small boys who piss in swimming pools and grown men who enjoy passing water whilst sharing a hot tub with their wives.

AMYLOID: Containing or related to starch. Starchy.* E.g. "I con't mean to criticize your eating habits, Georgina, but isn't a meal of mashed potatos, cornbread dressing, spaghetti, french fries, rice, and beans just ever so slightly amyloid? No wonder you have your clothes made at Acme Tent and Awning."

ANABIOSIS: Returning to life after apparent death.* E.g. "Damn, sure a good thing I sprouted a woody when that cute mortitian started the embalming."

AMPHIBOLIC: Having the ability to turn both backwards and forwards.* Responsible for the end of the disco era of dancing. Amphibolic dancers would occasionally overdo their gyrations and turn themselves inside out. Their giblets would be scraped off the walls and the entire area hosed down.

AMPLIATIVE: Supplemental. Additional.* The annoying, inconvenient, and often embarrassing portion of the bowel movement which occurs after one pulls up the pantyhose and leaves the privy. Afterpiece (qv).

AMPHISCIAN: Of or related to torrid regions.* E.g. "Leroy, this place be one amphiscian mofo. I thank ma belt buckle jist melted. Sheeeit!"

ANACATHARTIC: Causing vomiting or expectoration.* E.g. "What a lovely soiree, Mrs Cosgrove. The rhubarb dip is delicious, and the Ripple is chilled perfectly. Oh, dear ... RRRaalllpphhhhh! Gosh, I'm so sorry about your fish tank."

ANADROMOUS: Fish which ascend rivers to spawn.* E.g. "Salmonetta, dear, you look lovely here in the kelp bed. It makes me feel anadromous. Lets you and I head upriver for a weekend of wild, unhibited spawning?"

ANAGALACTIC: Of or related to things outside the galaxy.* E.g. "Hay, Joe Don! Y'all come on over here an' brang a jug of Absolut. I got me some mescaline. I reckon we otta go anagalactic with that combination."

ANACOLUTHON: Moving to new topic of discussion before finishing current one.* A situation commonly encountered by starters of threads at the Author's Hangout.

ANACRISIS: Interrogation accompanied by torture.* E.g. "Okay, Cosgrove. We know you ran that stop sign this morning. I'll loosen the testicle vise if you sign a full confession."

ANELASTICISM: The catastrophic loss of elasticity in the waistband of one's underwear. Results in serious injury should one's panties suddenly drop to one's ankles while descending a flight of stairs.

ANADIPLOSIS: The vague, uneasy feeling that one is standing chin-deep up shit creek, and there is a ski boat approaching.

ANALEMMA: A difficult question involving one's nether orifice. From the Greek "Ana"-Butthole and "Lemm"-A dilemma. A word bandied about by existentialist and solipsistic philosophers, but best avoided by the layman.

ANAPHALANTIASIS: Falling out of the eyebrows.* A useless word which should be shunned by even the most ardent philologist. If there is some oversight committee that determines which words make it into the English language, I would like to speak to them about this one. Ed.

ANAGNORMANCY: Divination by examination of feces. E.g. "Lookie here, Earl. By the looks of that big ol' turd Grampa jist laid, we're in fer a hard winter."

ANAUDIA: Loss of voice.* E.g. "............................... .............................!"

ANAEMOPHILUS: Pollinated by wind.* E.g. "Daddy, I'm tellin' ya I either picked it up from a toilet seat or it was anaemophilus."

ANGARY: Right of a belligerent to seize neutral property.* E.g. "Piss off, Elmer. I found this here hawg awanderin' around loose, and it's mine now."

ANCHORITE: One withdrawn from the world for religious reasons.* Monks, nuns, etc. The "Anchorite-Catamite-Onanite" movement has recently become a popular venue for the monastic life.

ANAFRACTUISNESS: The feeling one gets when one finds oneself in a biker beer joint wearing a pink, "Kiss Me, I'm Gay" tee shirt.

ANDRAGOGY: The art and science of toilet training adults. The demand for practitioners in the field is quite strong. Masters programs in andragogy, though, attract few students, and much of the field work is done by mere technicians with junior college training.

ANATINE: Of or pertaining to ducks.* It's comforting to know that Daffy, Donald, Daisy, Huey, Dewey, Looie, Uncle Scrooge, and the Anaheim hockey team have their own adjective. Ed.

ANBURY: Soft, fleshy tumor in horses.* Of little interest or importance unless one happens to be a horse with said affliction or have money on the nag in the third race at Santa Anita.

ANEMOGRAPH: An instrument used to measure and chart wind velocity.* Attached to a small wind sock, it is affixed to the perianal region for study of flatulodynamics (qv).

ANESIS: Tuning to a lower musical pitch.* A common phenomenon in the voices of female body builders and German olympians who use anabolic steroids.

ANIMADVERT: To comment critically upon; censure.* E.g. "I swear, Elvina, that Hortense is the homeliest woman I ever seen. She gotta carry a pork chop in her pocket, elst her dawg won't have nuthin' ta do with her."

ANISOTHENIC: Of unequal strength.* Disparity in musculature between the right and left upper extremities of onanists.

ANNOMINATION: A play on words; pun.* The lowest form of humor. Universally condemned, and abolished in most advanced cultures. The absolute nadir of risibility; lower, even, than the execrable knock-knock joke.

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To be continued.
Thank you for your attention.
Reader's comments always welcome.