- Non-Erotic Poetry
- In Japanese: Hanakotoba
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I take her to the orchid garden,
where we are surrounded by
what seems to me, an anti-flower.
Its geometric petals are alien-like
compared to every other soft,
rounded shape of ordinary ones.
Language of flowers
are messages, emotions through
symbolism. I shower her with
pink roses that are my trust,
bluebells, my gratefulness,
red camellias and these orchids
are love and more of my love
I have never given to anyone but her.
In the middle of the garden
of purple, pink and white delicate
beauty is the butterflies
where she stands still, covered
in monarchs of every color,
big and small. She giggles
as they kiss her, tickle with delight,
their wings against her cheek
They adore her, like I do,
I orchid her, always.
4 my kid.
- COMMENTS
Lyricallialmost 8 years agoIt hits me in all the right emotional places.
As I said in PF&D, I love the last line. I think it's perfect. Using orchid as the verb, calling back to the language of flowers, is both clever and touching to me.
legerdemeralmost 8 years agoI don't have much to add, Neo, other than how much I like it and how well I think it makes its point. The last line worked for me, although I like Angeline's suggestion for it.
Angelinealmost 8 years agoYour love for your daughter just shines through this whole poem and adds a sheen to it. The visual of her giggling among the flowers surrounded by butterflies tickling her made my heart leap. You know it's good when you can evoke that kind of visceral reaction from a reader!
Now for my pickies lol:
In the last line of S1, I'm not sure "ones" is working because I can't tell if it refers to other flowers or other petals. I hate repeating words unnecessarily (and I know you do, too!). Maybe you could get around it by saying "...to every other/soft, rounded ordinary shape." Just a thought.
In the last strophe I am not sure orchid is working as a verb. I think you want that "kid" sound in there, right? You could say "They adore her, like I do:
she's my orchid, always."
Ya melted me with this one, Jamis. <3
tazz317almost 8 years agoto try and select the most cherished, TK U MLJ LV NV no stars
greenmountaineeralmost 8 years agoAH liked it too and said so in PF&D, except for the last line. It's interesting how interpretations can differ. I actually think it was a stroxng ending line. I liked how you used a noun as a verb. Had it been a longer, I think it would have been a weaker ending to the poem. Also, the comma which attentuated the pause, made for me "always" not an afterthought but a deeper thought.
