Confidential Confessions

Author’s Note: This story was written as a special request from a fan. I hope that it was everything you wanted and more. Thanks for believing in me and my writing! ~ cyn ~

Dear Mike,

There are so many things that I would like to say to you. The problem is, I don’t know where to begin. Our marriage, though ended now, was very much the most important part of my life and I don’t think I expressed often enough to you how much both it and you meant to me. I guess what they say about hindsight is true. Even know, as I sit down to pen this letter to you, I still feel an overwhelming sadness that it all came to an end.

Confessions come hard to me; especially when I have built up through my entire life as this pure and innocent little girl that has always followed her daddy’s wishes and then, later, yours. But there are some things that I think you should know because I can’t hide them anymore. Please, please bear in mind that the last thing I want to do it hurt you. This isn’t about you or what you could or couldn’t give me. They are simply fascinations of mine … some that have been acted on … some that haven’t. Either way, it didn’t affect my feelings for you nor does it still.

That all said and done, I might as well get down to it. Okay, I might as well start at the beginning in hopes that you understand my frustrations and where they led to. Mind you, I’m not making excuses, just stating the truth. God, I must sound like I’m rambling! It’s hard to tell you, even taking the chicken shit way out by writing it down in a letter. The thing is … well, it all started back in college. Gosh, I guess when I was about 22 or so. Remember me telling you about that guy that I dated for a short while? The captain of the football team? At the time you weren’t too interested in hearing about my escapades in college, not that I blame you, so I held a few things back. Well …the truth of the matter is that he was black.

I know your jaw must be hitting to floor at this point. Lord only knows that my dad would still, to this day, go through the roof if he knew. I guess that’s another reason I never finished the complete story. Well, at the time, me and a friend … I don’t see the need to bring her name into this because it could ruin her marriage as well … well, anyway, me and a friend used to go to all of the football games and stuff while in college. We even traveled with the team a few times. So you can imagine some of the things that went on in both the bus and the hotels …

So anyway, one of the captains was so hot. I mean, he was really sculpted like one of those statues in Greece or Rome … like that famous one, David or something or other. And then the fact that he was black … well, I don’t know. I think, in respective, that I was more attracted to him because of my dad’s overly racism ways. It was so forbidden, you know? I know we are all equal and that but according to my dad … oh hell, it was just downright evil and wrong to him. Maybe in my defiance against his will for the first time in my life, being away to college and everything, pushed me to explore things with this guy that normally I wouldn’t have done. Plus, you remember that old cliché … “Once you go black, you’ll never go back.” Well … here was my opportunity to find out and he was so hot Mike … I don’t think I can express that enough.

I still feel awful for cheating on you when we were separated like that in different colleges but you were so far away and I was still burning up inside from these hungers that you had woken in me. I swear, I’m not trying to place fault anywhere but where it belongs but I’m just saying … I needed what you weren’t there to give me and oh my god! I’ve never seen a cock like that. I swear I hadn’t … even to this day. It was so fucking enormous, Mike … nine inches long and three inches wide and I never thought I could accommodate him but I could!

God, I don’t know why I’m telling you this. I must be fucking crazy! But after that time with him after the game, in his living room, right in the middle of the house where he shared a room with those white guys … well, honestly, I haven’t been able to get enough black cock to last my lifetime. It got me started on black men, Mike. I’m sorry, but it did. I’m not a slut … you know this. I was drunk … I was on fire … I was missing you. I know it doesn’t make it right. But he was so handsome and so delicious and that cock … I couldn’t help myself.

The thing is … ever since then, even while we were together, I kept have recurring fantasies about black men and shameless as it may be, even some black women. I know you must think the worst of me by now and I wouldn’t blame you if you never spoke to me again. But if you could have seen the way my body looks against a black guy’s … all creamy pale against chocolate honeyed flesh. Once, I was taken from behind while looking in the bathroom mirror and it was so fucking delicious! I kinda wish you could have seen it. I really think it would have turned you on. Hell, I’m getting turned on again, just remembering it. I could feel his long thick cock spearing into me from behind and to know that this black rod of steel is thrusting in and out of creamy white skin … you know how fair I am … well, there’s just nothing quite like it.

I was so obsessed that I even went online looking for black men to even just role-play with and act out fantasies when you were away at work. I couldn’t help myself, Mike! I loved you so much … I swear I did! But I wanted black cock so much … and I was so afraid that if I told you about my fantasies, about me wanting to pretend that you were black and taking me hard and fast like that time in the bus … I was afraid you wouldn’t understand. I was afraid of losing you.

I guess I feel like I can tell you now since we are apart. There’s nothing for me to lose anymore and these confessions are my way, I guess, of saying that I’m sorry. I know that we did a lot of things wrong and we both made mistakes, our biggest being our lack of communication. Maybe now you will understand why it always seemed like I was holding something back.

I hope you can forgive me, Mike. I really do. I miss you and a part of me will always love you but this is one thing that I can’t give up. A part of me is kinda hoping that you will understand and honestly … oh god, I know this is going to sound too weird, but I have to throw it out there to you. I was hoping that you might want to … well, get involved in one of my fantasies. It involves me and you and … well, a black man. Please don’t get mad! I’m just being honest.

Well anyway, I hope I didn’t scare the shit out of you with this letter or make you think I’m some kind of slutty whore because of the things I have done or even worse yet, what I’d like to do. You have my number … hopefully, I’ll hear from you soon.

Eternally,
Claire