- Erotic Poetry
- confession
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emotionally bound
by your
commands
in my mind
every cell
of my body
responds
with trembling
rushes
desires
of the
flesh
anticipate
the worst;
expect you
will deliver
the best
sensations
cerebral tension
separates
your rigid warmth
from my wet
void
- COMMENTS
jthserraover 18 years agobut the poem felt too analytical to really draw me into the poem. I think trim the analysis and it will be much more intense... for instance
emotionally bound <omit "emotionally">
by your
commands
in my mind <omit this line>
every cell <omit this line>
of my body <omit "of">
responds
with trembling
rushes
desires <omit>
of the <omit>
flesh <add "my" before flesh>
anticipate <add "s" at the end>
the worst;
expect you <omit "expect" add "as" before you>
will deliver <omit "will">
the best
sensations
cerebral tension <omit>
separates <change to "seperating">
your rigid warmth
from my wet
void
I think with revisions like these, you will present the essence of the experience, heightening the interest of the reader, drawing the reader into the experience.
jim : )
