nature

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Tzara
Tzara
32 Followers

fresh from shower
you bend over

a willow seeking out the sun
with a graceful arc of trunk

long hair hung low
like netted branches dipped to water’s flow

and there, in fork of limb,
that dark bit, that damp moss

such beauty should be contemplative
but i am also nature

i am animal
and must i stalk

Tzara
Tzara
32 Followers
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Bill DadaBill Dadaabout 18 years ago
~

The lack of some of the "a," "the" and "your" seem to go with someone who "is animal" and wants to resist his nature to stalk?

WickedEveWickedEveabout 18 years ago
~

I love minimalist poetry. This is quite good. I also try to eliminate as many unneeded words as possible, but I've learned that taking out too many "the" and "a", for example, can leave the poem sounding slightly unnatural. At first, I was wondering if "fresh from shower" and "fork of limb" needed more. Anyway, I made a few suggestions that may not really improve the piece, but it's pretty much what I would consider while working on one of my own poems.

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fresh from (a) shower

you bend [over]

a willow seeking out [the] sun

with a graceful arc of trunk

long hair hung low

like netted branches dipped to water’s flow

and there, in (the) fork of (your) limb,

that dark bit, that damp moss

such beauty should be contemplative

but i am also nature

i am animal

and must i stalk

AnonymousAnonymousabout 18 years ago
~

excellent use of metaphor, the combination of the images deepens the sensory experience-as

AnonymousAnonymousabout 18 years ago
*

accustomed to the nature of the beast..nature stalks...feels like a cat crouching..lovely images...blue

My Erotic TrailMy Erotic Trailabout 18 years ago
mentioned

in the new poems review thread...

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