- Reviews & Essays
- What Really Is Cheating?
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I have read and heard all kinds of comments about what constitutes cheating or, as it is called by some, infidelity. As someone with an open relationship, I regard myself as being impartial enough to make an unbiased and rational judgment about such things. I am not affected by the definitions of cheating and other forms of betrayal unique to monogamous relationships. Others might differ with me on these definitions, but I will respectfully disagree with them.
As far as I am concerned, cheating consists of a physical and/or romantic involvement with someone other than one's partner, in a relationship that both partners have agreed would be exclusive. As such, cybering, roleplaying, and phone sex are not inherently cheating. They only become cheating when a forbidden romantic and/or physical relationship is formed. Nor is masturbation cheating. I find such definitions to be too expansive, though in the past I accepted them, before I rethought the matter.
Here are some examples of what I regard as cheating, when done behind a partner's back, when contrary to a partner's word, or when imposed by one partner on another partner against his or her will :
1. Having sex with someone else of the opposite sex. This is the most obvious and basic act that would meet the standard of cheating in an exclusive relationship. Swinging and polyamory only exist when they are mutually and honestly practiced. When not open, honest, and mutual, it's cheating, not swinging or polyamory.
2. Having sex with someone else of the same sex. Yes, eating is cheating, if done behind a partner's back or shoved down his throat. Bisexuality does exist, but it is not a license to cheat.
3. Withholding sexual favors to achieve compliance with a sexual double standard, such as cuckolding through teasing and denial. It is a form of sexual extortion to impose a unilateral change of the relationship, contrary to the wishes of one's partner.
4. Using the threat of divorce and/or financial destitution to achieve compliance with a sexual double standard, in the same cases and for the same reasons as those listed above.
5. Using passive-aggression to discourage masturbation, while still masturbating oneself. Yes, I know that I said that masturbation isn't cheating, but that's under normal circumstances. If you pressure your partner not to masturbate, and then turn around and masturbate yourself, then it's cheating.
6. Having an emotional affair with someone of either sex. That is, even being romantically involved with someone else, when that is contrary to the vows and/or agreement understand in the relationship, is also cheating. This is somewhat harder to define, but if you're in love with someone else and start behaving like a lover, you're cheating if you aren't honest with your partner about it.
7. Denying your partner sex as a means of control. True, you're not having an affair with someone else, but you're clearly betraying the relationship and cheating on your partner. You're making a mockery of his or her sacrifice in agreeing to monogamy, for that is what monogamy is: a sacrifice. I'm not the sort who can make such a sacrifice and not find it stifling and unnatural, but others can. Even so, it is a sacrifice and should be respected. Your partner agreed to monogamy, not celibacy. Unilaterally changing the agreement is still cheating, even if someone else isn't involved. It fits the definition, because it involves a narcissistic romantic attachment to oneself.
Those are examples and definitions of infidelity or cheating, as I see them. If you have differences with me on them, feel free to express them. In my view, incidentally, once an agreement is broken, it's no longer valid or in force. It no longer applies to either party, unless both parties agree to renew it. Even being legally wed is not worth the paper used to print the marriage license, once the vows are broken. Neither party is bound by the pact anymore. A sham marriage is no marriage.
Double standards are cheating, unless both parties accept the double standard willingly and happily. If someone doesn't mind living by a double standard, I'm not going to make decisions for him or her. He or she is a consenting adult, and if he or she is happy with it, so be it. However, using threats of divorce, destitution, sexual deprivation, or any other means of extortion, to compel a double standard is cheating and blackmail. It's wrong and it is not a relationship among consenting adults.
Thank you for reading and I look forward to your comments, whether you agree or not.
- COMMENTS
Anonymousabout 7 years agoI agree with you.
Cheating is doing other that the spirit of what an exclusive relationship is.
there are no technechalities. If you are using one to rationalize behavior you are probably cheating on a level.
It isn't rocket science to be able to tell the difference between having a different card partner and life partner.
deadseyeabout 9 years agoit is a selfish act,westerns or should i just say people for the most part are scum now, instant feeding instant me mememe.....no god except there own, in todays world men still die for family,country,god,love but then they think i did this good thing i get a free evil deed, and women think they have been kept down so they want pay back, we have souls, evil is not canceled out by good deeds, you know you are cheating......fuck you all.
truth is truth
fuck you if think otherwise
men cheat because they fear no spiritual payback, they do it because to them the other person doesn't matter they have no center.
women cheat because they are sluts, they enjoy the emotional pain they cause there mates even if only in a fantasy in their head, in today's world they get off on the death of men....see 911...those men died for her...because she is worth more than a man.
men cheat because they dont think they matter to women
women cheat because men dont matter to them
prove me wrong.....women think they are better...men just dont care any more
mitchfrenover 11 years agoAlthough I've never been involved in anything other than a monogamous relationship (and have no wish to), I can understand and agree with most of what you say.
The only place where we part company is near the end; the part where you say that "In my view, incidentally, once an agreement is broken, it's no longer valid or in force."
I think that this is just a little too uncompromising. People make mistakes; people can be tempted to do things they wouldn't normally do; we are all human. Although I know I'd be horrified if my own partner, for whatever reason, was tempted or persuaded to do something she knew would hurt me I could not, on the basis of a single straying, convince myself that it was enough to nullify a long-lasting and loving relationship and simply say that the "agreement is broken, it's no longer valid or in force." In truth, I consider a relationship to be far more than an 'agreement.' It is, for both me and my partner, a sharing of every part of our lives; the joys and disappointments, the hopes and the despair, the triumphs and the disasters - all of it. If she ever was to stray I hope my first reaction would be to look honestly at myself to see if there was some way that I had failed - before I even attempted apportioning any kind of blame.
Even then, whatever the outcome of that, my first response would be to search for a way to repair whatever damage had been done to the relationship and that would only be achievable by talking - without fear and without anger - as two equals who, hopefully, would still want to share the remainder of their lives together.
Anonymousover 14 years agoI'm surprised to know that others actually think of this subject as I do. Being an open minded woman, it was difficult for me to realize the choice I made for a husband wasn't very good. I was open to him having free reign over what he pursued as long as he came back to me and didn't deny our family of normal husband/father duties. He automatically took this to mean that I cheated on him since I let him have a mistress, denying me of any time together with him in bed. I didn't have any affairs on him, though I did have quite a few online friends and role played on sites a few somewhat erotic scenes. I considered that no more cheating than I did his large collection of porn. Unfortunately (or perhaps it's fortunately?), I had separated from him for the sake of my daughter, not wanting her to be raised around a man that thought ill of his caring wife.
But I'm getting a little off subject, eh? Forgive me, please. All in all, your logic made perfect sense to me. Though I would have been open to him allowing me a bit more leeway with the relationship, I was fine with him having the mistress that he had if it meant a happier house hold.. I must say that part of my decision was based on the fact that I lacked confidence in myself, and still do a bit.
Anonymousover 15 years agobe again some time. both of us agree cheating by either of us would destroy the marriage. We always are open in our discussions with each other and in our feelings about ourselves, our marriage, and others. For several years we have sought a female as a third in the marriage but for one reason or another we have never found one that we all three click together that works. Anony in US says Nice thinks if there is no marriage contract cheating by definition cannot occur. Assuming most of what is written here is accepted for married couples lets diversify. If two people agree to be a couple and to remain faithful to each other, either as engaged or in the more old fashioned way "going steady" and one cheats, that relationship is thereby destroyed. Now we are down to dating, suppose to people claim to be exclusive just to each other, this is a very rational thing in this day of deadly STDs. If I guarantee a seller to buy exclusively from him and get a sizable discount, and them buy from somewhere else for aone time good deal, is my exclusive deal with the seller still valid. Legally and morally it isnt. When one gives their word of an exclusive relationship and at the same time searches for something better or sexier or easier, one has broken the agreement and it is void. Since I am male I will deal with me. I offer a young woman the opportunity to live in my home with me since we have and exclusive agreement with each other. Once settled into my home I find she is going out dancing, chatting, and giving her phone number to men. Is the relationship broken even if she doesnt have sex with the other men? In my opinion she has cheated on the relationship, time, effort, emotions go into those other "contacts". That is time, effort, and emotions that are stolen from our relationship. Now we are no longer exclusive but just people who date each other. Put as delicately as possible I would have her belongings packed and ready when she got home to move into her new housing as I dont provide free housing for women that are involved with others. Actually I would not care to have sex with her any longer as I dont know what diseases she was bringing home that day. And yes we swing, we do it together, usually with couples and are in full agreement that both of us want to be with that couple, them comes the delicate part about medical issues and safety. Its to late to ask someone after the act!
