Staying Out of the Doghouse

A How-To Guide for Men

This How-To guide comes from many a night bunking with Spot. Unfortunately, I've learned the hard way and thought I would pass along the basics of how to keep out of the doghouse, or how to avoid having to build that extra 'doghouse' room out there to make a dog's life easier! Instead, this guide will help show you how to keep your woman purring.

Here puss, puss!

Some have written and declared that men and women are from different planets. How about from entirely different universes? Guys, do you feel like you'll never get the hang of keeping a woman happy? Do you wonder why one day you're the hero and the next day the goat? If so, then this How-To Guide is for you.

The points to be covered include:

1. Know yourself

2. Be strong

3. Fix-it Man

4. Remember!

5. Eyes forward!

6. Seduction is the Whole Day

7. It's the Little Things

8. SEX!

Let's begin with the first one.

Know Yourself.

Without going into a dissertation on the matter, be sure to have a basic sense of yourself. Are you comfortable with yourself, what you are about, and your body? You may think you see an Arnold or a Crews in the mirror, but look a little bit harder. Do you honestly like what you see? If you do that's great. If not, then do something about it. The adage that 'confidence is very sexy, don't you think?' is a truism, and only comes with self exploration and acceptance.

Be Strong.

Women may say that they love a sensitive, caring man who yields with courtesy to his woman, but don't you believe it! She wants someone she can lean into and feel some resistance, not some pushover. She does not want someone who lets her run him around like a little puppy. This only makes her think that your place must be in the doghouse after all! You can let her have the remote from time to time, but make sure it stays properly placed on the right arm of your chair.

Fix-it Man.

To be successful, you've got to have some fix-it skills. You know the old saying, 'It's nice to have a man around the house.' Why is that? Well, we are there to kill bugs, take out the garbage, wash the dog, do the heavy lifting, and open jars of pickles. You'll also need to be able to complete the 'honey do' handyman list, like it or not. If you don't have these skills, you need to find a way to get them without destroying your own place first! Go help out a buddy who's in the know, attend demos at your local hardware center, or study up. A good tip is to have a basic set of tools and know how to use them.

Remember!

You must absolutely commit to memory her birthday, your anniversary, her favorite things and the things she hates, and be guided accordingly. When it comes to gifts, remember that jewelry and flowers are two surefire winners for any occasion or no occasion at all. Kitchen appliances and sensible household items? Forget about it! This will get you sent straight to the doghouse; do not pass go, do not collect $200!

Some florists even have a 'man's best friend' (You dog, you!) list where they will list key dates for your woman and email you reminders as her special dates approach, so that you can enjoy being the hero! ("I can't believe you remembered! Oh, honey, those flowers were so gorgeous, how do you do it?") Play your cards right and you'll be able to stay in your own bed for years to come.

Here puss, puss!

Eyes Forward.

Focus on HER. Let her catch you ogling another woman, especially when you are out together, you'd best get your sleeping bag ready for another stay in the doghouse! You may get away with checking out the jogging babes in the side view mirror, but you must be very surreptitious since this is an autonomic reflex for most guys. Work at this, practice this. Be sure to avoid blurting out "Hello, Sheila! What a bod!" This will definitely send you packin' to the doghouse with her claws out.

You can sprinkle a few comments when someone mentions how great a woman looks, and whisper something like, "Shabby next to you dear." Of course she knows you are full of shit, but no matter.

Here puss!

Seduction is the Whole Day.

You must try to understand that getting her in the mood starts when she wakes up, and builds throughout the day. If you wait until after she has cooked dinner and cleaned the dishes and approach her with a, "You want to fool around?" do not be surprised when she says 'no', even 'Hell no!' and makes a reservation in the doghouse for you. (Spot is getting tired of this crap. Watch out he doesn't start nipping.)

When she asks you if a dress makes her look fat, you must restrain yourself from saying what you really think. So bite your tongue and say, "Never, precious, you look like a Victoria Secret model in anything you wear!" She already knows how she looks and has already decided not to wear the thing, but she wants you to think she needs reassurance, when really she's just testing you, big guy!

It's The Little Things.

Acts of service go a long way towards building the mood. Breakfast in bed on the weekend is usually a tried and true winner. Spruce up your skills at how she likes her eggs and bacon. Soft scrambled, over easy (my favorite), fried, sunny side up (use your imagination here). Is she crispy, crunchy or chewy - on the bacon that is? Brew a little hot tea or coffee, maybe pour some juice. (Hand squeezed is probably going too far. She'll think you've done something naughty). Now, avoid making any moves on her. You have done all this just because you love her, not for getting in her pants.

Here puss, puss!

Keep the toilet lid up - most of the time. Leave it down some to let her know you are not a total wimp. Put the toilet paper on the holder when it's out. You can put it on wrong ways from how she likes it to keep from being too thoughtful. What can she say? (Remember, don't act like a puppy!)

SEX!

OK, we've already covered that seduction is the whole day. Each man has his own style, and you've most likely found out by now that having sex involves foreplay. Lots. You can try kisses throughout the day, a caress of her ass and nuzzling the nape of her neck. Necking and kissing is always a good starting point for making love, or fucking if you prefer. Women need lots of build up, lots of touching and caressing. Think of her whole body and her skin as your private playground to explore and discover with varying touches, caresses, nuances and techniques. Once she's purring nicely, encourage her to let her do the same for you. It will be a night to remember.

There are lots of great things to try, but there's a new product out that's great - warming lotion. It can not only be used over the genitals, but the entire body can be rubbed to give the skin a warming sensation. This experience will get her humming if you take your time and work her body over. Start with her breasts and spend time with the entire breast area, rubbing and kneading. You can also use your thumbs to add another sensation as you are caressing the rest of her breast with one of the similar erotic oils and lotions. I'm sure a look at Literotica's Adult Toy page will give you plenty of ideas to try. When she starts working over your cock, you will be hooked my friend!

If you're a hands-on guy, then you probably have a local store tucked away somewhere you can visit to shop and discover the wonders of modern technology and sex toys, gadgets and products. Once again, if you prefer the privacy of online shopping there are many great websites to choose from, including our own Literotica website. One word of caution: as you explore the world of sex toys, less is more if you're just starting out. Maybe the 7 inch Pulsating Genie is a better choice to begin with than the 20 inch Monster 5000 that may just be a dream gone wrong.

So, let's review. You've worked a good bit about accepting yourself and confidence is now drifting through the airways with the pheromones and all. She may not necessarily swoon at your feet, but hey this is good stuff. You are learning to be stronger, and also quicker to finish the 'honey do' list with time to spare to hit the links or the range or whatever. You've been able to stay out of the doghouse more times than not, and Spot is suddenly happy when he greets you without growling. You sleep mostly in your own bed these days.

Here puss, puss!

You've taken my advice and signed up at one of the florist services who alert you in the nick of time so that you haven't missed an anniversary, birthday or other special occasion in some time. Your wife continues to be amazed and bedazzled as flowers and gifts arrive right on time, together with thoughtful cards. She soon jumps your bones when you walk in the door and you seriously begin to think about having a headache - Not! You no longer have to call out to her with - 'Here puss, puss'. You've pretty much kept your eyes forward, except the side view mirror thing she has yet to catch on to. Easy does it, you're far from being home-free.

You've even put on a smallish deck without losing a finger, maybe fixed a faucet or two that doesn't leak (duck tape under the sink - good move!) and you've learned that little things do count. Hey, you can cook up her eggs the way she likes them from time to time without burning the pan and setting off the smoke alarms. Don't laugh, this is real progress. Your lover smiles at you when you're not looking, instead of those frowns and, (god forbid) those sudden tears from out of the blue.

You keep the toilet lid up much of the time and put on a toilet paper roll pretty often and, yep, backwards too. You let her have the remote just as soon as the playoffs are over, and she feels a sense of wonder at her new man. She actually brags about you with her girlfriends when she knows you can overhear her, and slyly you blow her a kiss from your easy chair, watching the sport event of your choice.

You've progressed nicely in the sex toy area and while you are thrilled she has embraced the exciting newness, are beginning to think she wants to turn the Monster 5000 on you. Well, no plan is perfect!

Now you're ready for a stake in a permanent stay out of the doghouse card. Seduction can now begin in earnest with more predictable results. Start out your desire with a little forethought. Instead of the old way, try sprinkling rose petals on the bed and drawing her bath. Walk her through the bedroom and let her gaze in wonder at the petal strewn mattress.

Then announce that you have drawn her bath and you are there to service her. Begin by disrobing her gently and guiding her to the tub that is lit with a few candles. (I'd tell you dozens, but let's get real here guys.) Now, have plenty of body wash handy. As she eases into the water, turn on some cooch music and sit on the edge of the tub dipping warm water onto the wash cloth and gently let the cloth move across her shoulders and neck.

As she begins to relax (Her eyes are rolling into the back of her head) begin describing to her all of the beautiful parts of her body you love:

"I love how your breasts curve so that your nipples peek out of the water."

"Your skin is as smooth as the head of my cock" (Hey, nobody's perfect, right?)

"I'm sorry honey, but I can't decide a favorite part of your body, too many choices!"

Now be sure that you filled the tub part way so there's room for you. Yep, you're going to ease behind her and wrap your legs around her hips. Now scoot up close. ("Is that a water pistol mister sticking up my butt, or are you happy to see me!?") Now bathe her with your hands. You will take your time and keep you hands warm, moist and soapy. As you bathe her, softly knead her shoulder and neck, then her arms. What a guy, a bath and massage at the same time. Here puss, puss!

Now naturally work over her shoulders and down the front of her breasts, then from the sides and finally from underneath. Let her know how great her boobs feel, how firm they are in your hands. You'll want to knead her breasts since they need to get massaged too! That's it, take your time with each breast, kneading, cleaning, caressing, and stroking them. Now pay special attention to the nipples. If she asks about this, just say that they come cleaner when they're hardened and standing out. You'll need to spend extra time squeezing, stroking, and flicking them.

Don't worry that your cock is now at full mast, hard and thick poking at her ass. If she loves anal sex, well then this is her lucky day!

Now comes the best part. You can more forward with a variety of options. Keep it simple and keep it hot. You can reach around to try and reach her thighs and pussy, but that's probably a stretch. Instead, ease her around to face you so that you both have access to the best parts! No, do not put her hand on your cock! Let your ministrations allow this to be a natural response on her part. Now both of you can pretend to bathe each other while copping feels and getting horny!

Once you've finished, you can have even more erotic fun drying each other off with the large bath sheets you so thoughtfully placed near the tub and had warmed in the dryer earlier. Wrap one around her and cover her in its warmth. Then continue with the warming theme by drying off her body using gentle friction.

Now, lead her to the rose petaled bed and wallow in the silky, whimsical feel of the soft petals as they caress her body. On a side table have the warming lotion and sex toys conveniently located in reach. She's enjoyed candles, mood music, massages, being bathed, erotic water sports, warm towels and rose petals.

By the time you start with the warming lotion she'll be putty in your hands. No more doghouse for you my friend!

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It is a Literotica How-To Contest 2007 submission.