Rising from the Tarmac

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Rolling through velvet steam

wet dips my aching tongue to your

wild electric

charged with your woman scent and

comely melting flood

cascading down mouth and chin

rising up to meet again the

coaxing tip of my tongue lashing

deeper still against your buried power house

of lusting thrust ignited

find the highway and lift your wheels

separating tarmack peals away


and you soar


all stopps pulled as you ride the thick

air of cream rising into ether

and I ride with you

as passenger

and pilot

of your rushing journey

into waves of stars and molten bellies

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oregon_galoregon_galover 16 years agoAuthor

thank you, jim....i agree with your assesment and i will edit the words down...i appreciate your candor and suggestions, which is the whole reason i come here...carol

jthserrajthserraover 16 years ago
There is a powerful, moving poem

buried within this poem. I think you will enhance it immensely if you ended it with "...separating tarmack peals away"

Other than that there were a few phrases that seemed either uncomfortable or irrevelent here... on line 4 I think it would read better if you deleted "woman" "woman scent" feels archaic, almost brutish.

On line 9 I think it would read better if you dropped "buried", up until now your metaphor is soaring and electric, to suddenly find something buried is not relevant to any other part of the poem.

on line 10 the word "ignited" simply screamed cliche' Fiery igniting lust is overused and if you read your poem, it's simply not needed.

And that's it, I think those few changes and your driving metaphor is enhanced, the feeling of overwhelming sexual energy predominates and it simply seems to flow a bit more. Take a look at the suggestions and see what you think.

jim : )

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