- Erotic Poetry
- Phosphorus, My Soda Confessions
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Phosphorus,
my soda confessions
treat the tip of your
convictions
with soft evanescence.
I miss you today,
may lay with you yet is
still unspoken.
Candour’s vapours burst
from my tongue
and splash on your mouth
in toxicity of gin
or paint thinner.
- COMMENTS
Tzaraabout 16 years agoMr. Brig. I have no problem with the word "evanescent," and in fact rather like it. I find it evocative. I would say, though that "soft evanescence" is pushing it a little. I don't think the qualifier adds anything to the word--in fact, probably muddles it up a bit. The phosphorous and soda connection is good on multiple levels, and "candor's vapors burst" (sorry, Am spelling) I think works especially well, given the soda metaphor. "Paint thinner" seems a little vague, though. Perhaps "turpentine"? This needs a little tuning, but good.
bogusbrigabout 16 years agoevanescence, like gossamer is a word better not used in poetry, better to replace it with a concrete image. 'Candour's vapours' is also weak. A very promising poem in need of editing. Not up to your usual standard though.
