Money Ch. 03

Are you ready to be rich? Are you serious about making money? Stop dreaming and start making money.

How would you like to make one hundred thousand dollars a month? Come here and get closer to the television set because I don't want everyone to hear. I have the secret millionaire formula.

Formula? Ha! Don't fret there's no numbers and no math involved to make you more money than you ever dreamed of making. Just call and you'll be living on Easy Street just like me.

Wanted serious entrepreneurs only, call now. Did you always want to have your own business and be your own boss? Are you creative? Do you dance to your own beat?

If you can't keep a job because all your bosses are stupid and they really expect you to come in every day and actually work, then you are who we are looking for. We are here to help you through the process of starting your own successful business. We have a way for you to show off your special talents in laziness while not working at all. Hell, you don't even have to show up to make a pile of money.

Just call. Our operators are waiting to make you a business owner. Have your credit or debit card ready.

Get rich from the comfort of your home. Get rich online. Retire early. No investment required. Double your money back guaranteed. You have nothing to lose but your bills, your worry, and your headaches.

Make big bucks with a web site. Retire in twelve months. The Secret made us rich. Let me tell you how I paid off my credit cards. Let me give you my secret as to how I paid off my mortgage.

It's all yours for free with no obligation. Trust me. Just call. Call now. Have your credit or debit card ready.

There's life after bankruptcy. Bad credit, slow credit, no credit, I can help you get what you want. I can help you get what you need.

No one is refused. Yeah, sure the loan shark interest rates we charge you will guarantee that you pay as much for that used Ford Focus as your doctor paid for his new Mercedes AMG C500, but what the Hell, it's just money and you now have a car. Congratulations. Sign here.

Do you need a phone? What if you child is sick and you don't have a phone to call the doctor. What if someone breaks into your home and tries to steal the stuff that no one would really want to steal, anyway, and you don't have a telephone to call 911? It doesn't matter that the police wouldn't respond anyway because they don't go into your neighborhood.

You need a phone. You need this phone. So, go downstairs to the payphone on the corner, during the safety of the daylight hours, and call. Our operators are waiting to help you. Call now.

Don't let your loved ones go unprotected, buy life insurance now. It doesn't matter if you are nine-years-old or ninety-years-old. It doesn't matter if you are healthy or the priest just left your bedside after giving you the Last Rights.

Sign here. We'll take care of the rest. Just give us your bank routing number and your checking account number.

Government auctioned vehicles are yours at thousands below wholesale prices. These automobiles were confiscated by the local police enforcement, FBI, DEA, and ATF from alleged drug dealers and alleged criminals charged with other more serious crimes. All these stolen and abandoned vehicles are in pristine condition and were carefully driven during their subsequent police chase and stand off shootout. With the rust and busted out windows, you can't even discern the bullet holes anymore.

Buy a rat and cockroach infested house that was stripped clean by the previous owners at foreclosure for only one thousand dollars. Just agree to take over the mortgage that is much more than the house is currently valued at in the marketplace. Don't worry, the utility company is building a nuclear reactor next door and you may get a high paying job there and within walking distance of your home. Ah, life is good. Sign on the dotted line.

Buy land for one dollar an acre. Yes, this whole area was once a swamp and still is a bit swampy, but rumor has it that Disney is looking to expand Disney World. No, it doesn't matter that this land is nowhere near Disney World, but trust me. Have I ever lied to you before?

Just sign here and set up your lawn chair while wearing your Mickey Mouse hat. The tourists will be here soon. Don't worry. Smile. Be happy. By the way, do you need a bridge? I have one for sale.

Take advantage of timeshare properties that others have lost due to bankruptcy and foreclosure. Isn't the view beautiful? And look at all the amenities of this property. Everything is brand new and newly constructed after the, uhm, never mind. You are right on the ocean with nothing to protect you, I mean, to block your view of the sunrises and sunsets.

There's no truth to the rumor that the hurricane that hit here last year killed many of the timeshare residents, which is why we had to foreclose on their properties. Just think of it as their loss is your gain.

Just sign here. Congratulations. I got to go. I heard there's a storm coming.

It's all free. There's no cost to you. No obligation. No one will call. Sign here. Just give us your routing number and bank account number and we'll do the rest. Just give us your credit card number and expiration date and we'll take care of everything.

We have factory closeouts for sale below cost. Free shipping and handling, there's never a charge to deliver this junk to your door. Easy credit, just call us and we'll give you the answer in sixty seconds or less. Make me an offer. No offer refused. I want your business. We will not be undersold.

Say yes to Jesus. Bring God into your life by making a generous donation. The more you give the more you will receive in God's eternal blessing.

When Reverend Hector prayed for a new Cadillac, he donated $1,000 and lo and behold, he was driving a shiny red Cadillac by the end of the year. Blessed it be to God and to those who believe. Hallelujah! Praise the Lord!

The call is free. Operators are waiting to help you become more spiritual albeit poorer. Call now. Make that call. Make that pledge. We take Master Card, Visa, Discover Card, American Express, and Debit Cards.

This is an opportunity of a lifetime. All expenses are paid. You just pay your airfare down and we'll take care of the rest. This is your opportunity for a three day and two night all expenses paid vacation in the sun and in the fun.

There's absolutely no sales pressure whatsoever. You don't have to buy anything. You just have to agree to sit and listen to our description of the properties for sale while sitting in a hot room for sixteen hours so that our salespeople can beat you down until you say yes and sign on the dotted line.

Whatever you want, just fill out this survey and it's yours free. We have no hidden agenda. We only want to know what you like and don't like.

Just tell us which of the prizes you want, an X-Box, a new 32" digital HDTV, an iPOD, a digital camera with video. Pick a prize and it is yours for the taking.

We make our money from the companies who pay us to find out your preferences. This is market research and for the three hours that it takes you to fill out this complicated survey before you finally give up in frustration, we will give you whichever prize that you want, so long as your name is drawn from the one million other fools who filled out this survey and received nothing, absolutely nothing, and now we have all this personal information about you. Thanks sucker.

There are thousands of home businesses that will make you rich. Get rich quick. Make you too much money to count. You can work from home. Anyone can do this. It's easy.

All you have to do is lift your head off the pillow, open one eye, and you're making money. Yes, it's that easy. All you need to do to get started making money is the make that call.

Call today. Call now. Don't delay. Live operators are waiting to talk to you. Have your credit card ready.

Get rich quick empty promises, pyramids schemes, multi level marketing, Ponzi schemes, Mary Kay, Amway, Avon, Quixtar, Primerica, chain letters, network marketing, buying properties fixing them up and flipping them, even you, too can become a millionaire over night. That's right. Even you can be rich, too.

All you need to get started is to buy my wealth building guide book and my collection of DVD's that will give you my secrets to my new, guaranteed money making scheme, I mean system that tells you how I made my millions and how you can, too.

I drive this beautiful fly yellow Ferrari F430. I live in a palatial palace with six bedrooms and 6 baths. I own this 60 foot yacht. I have millions in the bank. Every one of these nearly naked beautiful, bikini clad women who surround me love me, they truly love me and they all give me hot sex every day and every night. Ah, life is good.

Are you worried about your lack of education? Are you concern that my program is too difficult to understand? Well, don't because I never finished high school and I have all of this. Go at your own speed and earn millions of dollars at your own pace.

If it sounds too good to be true...it is because he made his millions by selling his book and DVD's and not by using his guaranteed money making scheme, I mean system.

There are thousands of flimflam men, carpet baggers, fraudulent offers, confidence men, grifters, scams, rip-offs, rackets, shell games, deceptions, and deceptive practices that are all illegal and waiting to take advantage of you at a time when you are most vulnerable. The times when you are most vulnerable are those times that you are treading new ground.

You want to buy a car, your first car and are blinded by the shiny red Mazda or silver Toyota sitting on the dealer's lot or how about that Honda Accord? How much of your hard earn money, money that you haven't even earned yet, but will earn in the six years that it will take to pay off this car, do you pay for his car? The manufacturer's sticker reads one price, but what is a fair price to offer? It is a really nice car and you really, really want it.

It doesn't matter because the salesman already has you marked. You are in his sites. He is a professional car salesman who sells hundreds sometimes thousands of cars a year while you buy one car every eight years. What chance do you have against him? None. So just sign the agreement to purchase and give him all your money.

"How much can you afford to pay?" He asks you with a smile that makes you believe that he is your friend, your buddy, and your pal? "Want some coffee? Let me get you a cup. That's right relax and put your dirty sneakers up on my desk. It's okay."

Do not answer his question. How much can you afford to pay? It's none of his business. Ask him a question. How much are you willing to take for this pile of shiny shit that will depreciate as soon as I drive it out the door and will fail me as soon as my lousy three year warranty that barely covers anything anyway ends? Huh? Ask him that question? Let's hear what he has to say to that.

Before you walk in, do your homework. Research prices and spend some time going over numbers to discover how much you can actually afford to pay monthly without breaking your budget. Now, make him an offer and when he refuses, get up, leave, walk away, get out. He'll stop you before you go out the door. There are lots of car dealers selling lots of cars that they can't sell, especially in this economy. It's a buyers market. So, why pay more?

The vultures know when you are at your weakest point. They pray on your misery. They are professional salespeople who can read you like a book. Did you have a death in the family? Well, stay home while someone else makes the funeral arrangements, someone who was not as close to the deceased as were you and someone who can act on your behalf while thinking with a clear mind.

Mama would not have wanted that ten thousand dollar silver and gold trimmed bronze casket. Mama is dead. Save your money. Don't go in debt because you feel bad about your loss or feel guilty that you didn't say or do the things that you should have said and/or done when she was alive and now that she is dead you want to show her that you loved her by burying her in this ten thousand dollar box. All that you are doing is giving money that you can ill afford to your local funeral home owner so that he can buy another shiny black Cadillac to attract more suckers like you to his funeral home.

Did you just get married? Congratulations. So...what are you going to do with all the money you received from the wedding? Buying a house? Good move. Only, take someone with you, a professional who not only knows the market, the area where you are looking to buy, but also about homes and home construction.

Did that bum of a husband leave you and your three small children for that blonde, bombshell bimbo Brenda, the one with the big tits, full lips, and spread opened legs? And you haven't stopped crying since he served you with divorce papers, as well as a restraining order? That bastard took everything, the house, the car, the money, and even the kids?

Well, before you do something foolish, something stupid, and something you'll regret, take the time to do your research. Buying a gun is not an easy proposition, you know, especially if you have never had one.

Should you buy the small derringer and surprise them both at their favorite restaurant or should you buy that double barrel shotgun and blow both their heads off with one shot? Hmm, that's a tough decision. If it was me, I'd buy the .44 caliber handgun with hollow point ammunition and the nine shot clip. You don't want to overspend for a gun that just won't do the job in a pinch.

Then, if you don't feel bad enough about not having money and being one of the have nots, there's Suzie Orman to rub it in your face. Suzie Orman is an arrogantly annoying woman who writes all those books telling people how to live, survive, and flourish financially? She acts much like a Jewish mother in her approach.

Instead of offering you the advice of her expertise, she scolds you. She makes you feel guilty. She makes you feel bad. She makes you depressed. She makes you feel like the loser that you are. I change my channel whenever I see her ugly puss on my television screen.

"Pay off your credit cards," she touts. "Pay yourself first," she advises.

Yeah, I'd pay all my credit cards off if I had the money and I'd certainly pay myself first, if I earned millions of dollars from writing books on telling people how to make money. I hate her.

To be continued...