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In a deep conscience place
Within the dream-state of being
Was it me, your you, or the collective us
That commanded the silent universe to
Cast violent stones in the still of eternal blackness?
Atom symmetry trembled
Forcing ripples against the forever
While you and I embraced the white head of collaborative spirit
We molded primordial ooze from the eyes and fingers of our own
Sweet breath
In the beginning there was darkness and void
You held the lamp so I could scribe
Genesis on the face of each blasting atom
And I watched as you carved from the bowels of nothingness
Our song
I AM
You, Me, Us
In waves kissed life and bore endless fruit singing
I AM,
I AM!
In precious silence we meet as
Comrades among the still and awake
Remember me
And I will remember you
In each silent prayer of aware
Joyously
Singing
I AM
- COMMENTS
unpredictablebijoualmost 16 years agoyour images are complex and your phrasing has a nicely lyrical quality. One minor quibble: I got very uncomfortable about the 'bowels of nothingness' - it's a pretty weak and overdramatic phrase, and might be unworthy of the way you've carefully addressed the rest of the ideas. Other than that, yes, Whitmanesque came to mind for me too. Nicely done.
LeBrozalmost 16 years agoNow that's odd. I also got a feel for this in the spirit of Walt Whitman, though what sprang to mind for me was, "I Sing the Body Electric," even though that piece sounds much different than this. Very well done.
Angelinealmost 16 years agoIt put me in mind of Whitman's Song of Myself, and I love the way you've used spacing and the caps on "I AM" to add emphasis. I did think it could use more concrete imagery and, in a few places, there are phrases (i.e., "white head of collaborative spirit" "bowls of nothingness") that don't really say anything to me. If you could replace some of those with concrete images I think it would really strengthen this piece.
Your poem has been recommended in the New Poems Review thread on Literotica's Poetry Feedback and Discussion forum.
