Patiently Waiting

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bulltlr
bulltlr
8 Followers

Hovering above you
patiently waiting

Your breathing has
changed I know
you're awake

Slightly shifting I
move my hand
hovering not touching
patiently waiting

So unlike you to lay
quietly unmoving
I'm impressed

Shifting I can now
feel your heat
caressing my hand

Still no movement
Your determination
has made me hard

I stay hovering
patiently waiting

Amazed at your will
You've normally
given up by now

I haven't touched
you yet I am losing
control

I shift once more

I can smell your sweet
nectar as I draw near
enticing begging me to
take what is mine

Pure agony broken
You win I give

No longer willing
to hover patiently
waiting

I move up your quiet
unmoving body

Slowly lowering until
skin touches skin

Suppressing a moan

I lay patiently waiting

Wanting no needing
you to wonder my
intentions

bulltlr
bulltlr
8 Followers
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  • COMMENTS
2 Comments
AnonymousAnonymousabout 13 years ago
Has potential..

Excellent suggestion by raconteuse. The poem has some merit, but there are some awkward, seemingly arbitrary line breaks and lack of line breaks where either punctuation or a line break needs to be. Since you are new and I have been absent, I thought I would check out some of your work. Critiques on the discussion board may be very helpful. Welcome to Lit and keep posting!

raconteuseraconteuseabout 13 years ago
Yes!

A much better attempt than Quietly Waiting. I'd have arranged the final stanza differently, with 'no' on the second line, then 'needing you' on the third line, 'to wonder at' (fourth line), 'my intentions' (final line). Just an idea. I love your poetry. Glad you have an editor now, and hoping to see even greater pieces from you. Thank you.