- Erotic Poetry
- susurrus
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Don't be afraid
The raiments of your life, be they
tattered rags, brocade of gold
I would ease, with whisper, from across your shoulders
let part, to earth forgotten, light
my lips, prayer susurrate
upon the fountain naked of your breast
and to the telling of your heart
with all the magic in my breadth
bespeak – the secret name
of giving
- COMMENTS
vrosej10over 13 years agoThe language is a bit pretentious but i actually think that suits the tone of the piece. Will be recommending this.
PoetGuyover 13 years agoover some of your stylistic choices, which seem a little too consciously arty to Poet Guy's sensibility (though, notably arch and arty himself, this could be his hypersensitivity). For example, the inversion "fountain naked" does not add any meaning nor beauty of phrasing over the more conventional "naked fountain," so unless Poet Guy is missing something, this phrasing merely seems twee. Similarly "bespeak" seems artificially quaint as well. Poet Guy also believes that "raiment" is effectively plural without the additional trailing "s"--one would not say "clothings" nor "apparels," which are synonyms.
Poet Guy finds this promising, but suggests some of the filigree be trimmed.
