- Non-Erotic Poetry
- Amanda;Returned
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Click herethe day I found that old gas bottle and you came home
the wind opened its mouth and howled
stripping paint chips from the patio roof
as I waited and fixed the loveseat and waited
and when your car came up the drive so quickly
I slipped with the screwdriver and stabbed myself
and when you climbed of the car, not alone
I never noticed the gush of blood.
- COMMENTS
LesInnerdragonabout 13 years agoI agree with Angeline that I would try and pare the poem down a little.
Maybe.
But, even as it stands I love what you've done. You convey the speaker's anxiety and his/her disappointment so compactly.
Angelineover 13 years agoThis ain't a "happy" poem, but it's a good poem as the images are clear and like Tess said, it's moody and that last line has excellent shock value. My only niggle is that I think you can lose a few words here and there to make the piece tighter overall (but maybe that's me; that's always my own preference). But you have talent and I'm glad I read this. :-)
GuiltyPleasureover 13 years ago....of your poetry Vrose, the more I like it. The howl of the wind in the mouth of the gas bottle warns of pain ahead. Well constructed and moody. My kind of poem.
Tess
PoetGuyover 13 years agoOne needn't know the background to the scene, as you convey that through the mending of the loveseat. Clean and to the point, which Poet Guy appreciates.
