- Non-Erotic Poetry
- Unrelentless as the night
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He unrelentless as the night,
she shivers, skin pierced like paper
marked for the beast, his right,
He unrelentless as the night
savours his nubile's captured fright.
Spoils of war a Master takes her,
he unrelentless as the night,
she shivers, skin pierced like paper.
- COMMENTS
AChildabout 13 years agoOk. Third line at the last two words. If right is taken as privileges of a Lord and Master the poem leans toward a "forced"? seduction. If right is taken to mean his right side then that means the hunter is vulnerable in a way the prey can see. Maybe I'm just reading it the wrong way. I thought the paper skin was good.
buttersover 13 years agoi read this late last night and thought this morning i'd already commented. sorry, A :)
i was agreeing with Poet Guy's comment last night and like his small tweaking. as for the form, i'm not nearly good enough to make credible remarks about it. (it looks pretty hard to make work to a poem's advantage!)
vrosej10over 13 years agobut I loved this. It worked for me, though I got shades of Buffy the Vampire Slayer from Master http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Master_%28Buffy_the_Vampire_Slayer%29
UnderYourSpellover 13 years agoAuthorJust to point out that this is a Triolet which calls for the repeated lines as part of the form
twelveooneover 13 years agoI saw you read mine, certain lines seem to be repeated, in a poem this short, you can't afford the same line, slight shifts - PG did the same thing in his example.
