St. Simeon

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116 words
5
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demure101
demure101
211 Followers

Fire on the horizon. From the top
of my old pillar I can see and smell
approaching unconcern: the lapping tongues,

as horses' hooves strike sparks out of the flint,
come ever nearer, while the olive groves
that long lay smouldering, burst into flame

against the grey of evening. Our age
has lost coherence slowly; now the years
roll by, unruly, and the days are tossed

like off-hand pebbles in a stream. The roar
of fire and water's in our ears; time's course,
time's constant change, comes tumbling past. It will

be years before the ground beneath me grows
cool grass again - before we may unwind
and clear the rubble time has left behind.

demure101
demure101
211 Followers
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5 Comments
ishtatishtatover 11 years ago
!!

Much much better than your porcine poem. Bit unsure about the line: "the lapping tongues, as horses hooves strike sparks out of the flint," - dropping "horses" and substituting "out of the" with from doesn't cut it either.

A good one.

tazz317tazz317over 11 years ago
TIME LEAVES NOTHING BEHIND

ruin itself precedes an aftermath of destruction. TK U MLJ LV NV

DesejoDesejoover 11 years ago

Interesting subject, and well executed.

The only quibble is the same one that Angeline mentions - the apostrophes. I find them distracting, and often unnecessary. For example:

Stanza 2: as horses' hooves strike sparks ...- why not just horse hooves strike sparks?

Stanza 4: the roar of fire and water's in our ears; time's - why not just the roar of fire and water in our ears?

Minor quibbles as usual. And you may well have reasons that escape me (meter, or something like that).

AngelineAngelineover 11 years ago
Lovely

and filled with images and other sense ticklers that can make me as a reader see and hear and feel what you're saying. That's my kinda poem. There are a few editorial revisions I might make, like find a way around all those apostrophe s's, and not sure if "coherence" works best in this context. I'm guessing you didn't want to go for the well-worn "meaning," but I'm afraid I'm blanking on alternates....

(BTW funny story about that profile pic: someone once asked if it was me lol. I'm old but not that old!)

Beautiful poem and easy five.

twelveoonetwelveooneover 11 years ago
nice 5ed

ok D

off-hand pebbles in a stream

fire and water's

see what you did, just a slight shift - NICE

do it here:

grey of evening