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Click hereA hard little pain had started in her heart and was traveling up slowly towards her throat where it would become a lump and the lump soon will become
tears
I think the and's in the first and second break the sentences in half
acting like internal enjambment??
You caught the emotion beautifully. I can almost see her lips start to tremble
but I like it
the sentence travels poetically
and title, enigmatic
5 if you must know