- Non-Erotic Poetry
- Snail Tale
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Click hereOn an early summer walk
My foot came down on a snail
I winced at the telling crunch
And went thoughtfully on my way
I really don't like to kill things
Of any size or nature
Spiders are free to keep spinning
Bees are free to collect
We are happy to share our barnyard
(If less so our home)
And a snail is of little matter
Unless, of course you're that snail
And that's what made me wonder
While checking the cherries for ripeness
What the hell was that stupid snail thinking
Coming across my path
Well, of course he wasn't thinking
It was only a coincidence
that placed him just right there
He couldn't, could never conceive
Of my foot or what would then happen
The cherries still need a few days,
The apples are starting to form
Nor could he conceive of a human
Or a barn or a horse or a world
His impending death never crossed
What little mind that he had
My fingers were combing the grass
For sweet tiny wild strawberries
A cloud shadow quickly came on me
And I had such an awful start
That I had to resist looking up
- COMMENTS
normal jeanalmost 10 years agoeven though a tiny snail died for your poem, it was a fitting, respectable death. I love this. That you were able to put yourself in the place of that creature. Yes, he matters, they all do, and I do admire you for not imparting your will upon a spider. This poem deserves an E, in my humble opinion. :)
~ nj
Magnetronalmost 10 years agoI'm making the 20th comment to see if the little H icon bursts into flames.
Oldbear63almost 10 years agoAuthorI didn't send an email - are you referring to my last comment? If it's an email please check the signature. Anyway don't go away mad...
Harry, Butters - thanks for the comments. I HAVE to redo this one. It clearly didn't come out as intended.
buttersalmost 10 years agoi'd keep the first and last stanzas more or less as they stand, though the last is the best and, as H points out, the shadow/the sudden start puts things into perspective, likening as it does the unknown/unexpected - the life of a snail/the life of a man. I get what the whole is about, but i found everything inbetween the first and last somewhat clunky, a little tedious, and the thoughts to base the write on rather than the finished poetry. I can understand your desire to keep things simplistic, in an attempt for both clarity and a pointer as how organic structures such as humans are as unaware of things beyond their understanding as snails... it just didn't work for me as it's posted here, and compared to some of your previous pieces that surprised me. I wouldn't give up on the concept - it's certainly valid; if you ever rework this piece i'd be glad of a heads up.
twelveoonealmost 10 years agoas said the structure is fine, the leap from the local to the general (in this case the universal) is a bit of a stretch. Especially, since I do remember the cat poem.
Now this aside (If less so our home) normally a good idea in that breaks the linear flow also defines the morality of the protagonist, the cloud shadow clashes with it, in other words way too much ado about goo, and thus becoming the worst of poetry, profundity with a wee wee bit of humour
I also remember the flak about the cat. So the comments here strike me as pandering.
I also remember the comment you made to me, which eerily I heard before, (did you catch that) this poem is not that hard to duplicate, however, It is clearly several steps above others here.
Now, OB we solve this problem, I will not bother anymore since clearly I am not is a league with the others you mentioned. I will gleefully point out that none of the others, clearly are not either.
good luck, may your path be true
