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Click heresyrup sullied in sugary delight
as drizzles drip from the tip of
a thick stirring stick
before it slides deep
into sweet surrender
a brief pause before piercing
suction grips and enfolds
slow entry slight resistance
before it's forced down
By my guiding hand
the temperature flares
honey melts
the stick stirs
to stop the burn
whisked with sure
firm precision
honey boils over into
liquid heat
so I turn down the temperature
and let you eagerly taste
the flavour
of honey
melted,
The word 'sullied, gave me pause at the beginning, making me stop and think, "What does he want me to picture here?" After that the poem flowed just like a spoonful dipped and swirling in a hot cup of tea.
I reread it again and I have mixed thoughts on "sullied". My first though, written above, but my second thought is that it creates that first-dip moment where things begin mix, a tease, before actually stirring.
5ed
question the first line
syrup sullied in sugary delight - sullied?
suppose it wasn't there, suppose an expected word was, would it catch your attention?
Ok - good lead in. but you fail to exploit the word, elsewhere what is sullied?
You have the alliteration down, back it down slightly, work on assonance a bit-you are doing fine BTW.
su,su,su, suc. But what happened in S3 and S4 (end) peters out. spread it around.
5ed
Read it through several times to enjoy it. I agree with Green about the word "sullied." I wasn't sure where you were going to start with, but let it go and just enjoyed it.
liquid heat .......
.......the flavour
of honey
melted ......
very erotic , suggestive ..... naughty ..... 5-ed !!
This is good, tod, although the choice of "sullied" I question given the definition. I couldn't match it up with "sugary delight."
Was the comma at end of the poem, a typo or a graphic suggesting something private to follow?