- Non-Erotic Poetry
- Disguise
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If I enclose this love in a ferocious cage,
Will you still recognize it as love at all?
Will you still know what its ferocity means?
Or if my desire appeared as a flaming rage,
Will it still consume you with such delicious heat?
Will you still open yourself to my plunder and pain?
Will you take the thunder and hunger of my love,
And tease it apart to discern those tender threads,
That run like veins through my body and down my face like tears.
And will you know I'm dumb with darkness and emotion and everything there is,
And so cling to me and bite me till you make me suffer too?
Beyond pleasure, beyond logic, beyond the edge of squirming words.
Because Night is at the door,
Night is at the bedroom door.
And I need to let him in.
- COMMENTS
Severance666about 8 years agoThis made me melt a little on the inside. Great imagery and choice of words.
Magnetronover 9 years agoYou are asking questions in the first three stanzas. Snip 'Or' from L4 or explain why it is necessary to seperate/bridge the 1st and 2nd as opposed to the 2nd and 3rd or 1st and 3rd. Not really necessary.
'and everything there is' is way too vague of a statement and comes off as a nonsensical ramble.
If all these questions aren't answered, does that mean you won't be able to let Night into the bedroom? Perhaps a failure on my behalf to grasp the point of this.
Still an entertaining piece.
ishtatover 9 years agoThis is an excellent piece of writing but I have problems engaging with it as a poem at all. My first impression was, yeah fine, but very clunky. Some very strong lines, 1201 has picked the best, and the last three - anticipated ravishment, ( very good).
Then I went away and came back for another look. As a declamation, lines which might appear in a play, it works (for me) perfectly, but as a poem, no, I think it needs a lot of work.
For examples, the 'will yous' are great props for a dramatic performance but here the repetition is a bit too much.
Then in the penultimate stanza I thought the opening words or two of all the lines except the last were redundant. Possibly without them you could increase the overall imperative (threat in Disguise).
But maybe I've just missed something, it wouldn't be the first time!
Thanks Doc.
Angelineover 9 years agoNice to see you poeming, my dear. Dark and intense writing. I get a bit of a Coleridge vibe. xo
twelveooneover 9 years agoGM, Disguise? This Guise. Dis would seem to be a rather functionless prefix. Let's assume the intent is there, Disguise would serve as a pointer for Night.
not sure of the purpose of " and everything there is," nor of the organization of the front end of the lines. repeats "Will" and "And" seem to be randomized. And they are capped as of attention is to be paid. Now the random alliteration (? of that is what it is called)
plunder and pain
tender threads,
dumb with darkness
all seem to occupy key places in the text
This:
And tease it apart to discern those tender threads,
a very good line
And like all good writers, knows the power if three
Beyond pleasure, beyond logic, beyond the edge of squirming words.
Beyond, beyond, beyond which leads to
Because Night
Fucking Capped Night
Well that is enough of My don't know shiittiness, for now, there are some other things
but 5
