A Matter of Forgiveness

It was my fault. No if's, ands or buts about it.

I was going too damn fast, the powerful Mustang felt so good to me, I just had to let it run.

And run is what I was doing, the roar of the overpowered engine sweet in my ears, windows down, the blast of the sweet damp air of spring whipping around me.

I slipped over into the left lane to pass a big semi laboring up a hill, signalling and checking carefully in my rear view mirror.

All clear, I leaned harder on the gas, the speedometer needle climbed quickly to over 100.

Such a sweet feeling, such a great day, I was young, strong, invulnerable.

I missed the little silver colored SUV pulling out from the left into the center divider, then into my lane. By the time I saw it and slammed on the brakes it was too late.

There was a long string of whirling lights and noise, then quiet.

I remember the lights in my face when I woke up, heard voices.

"I got him back." a woman's voice.

"Tie that off, he's bleeding out!"

"Poor bastard." A deeper male voice.

"I can't believe he is still alive."

I passed out again.

I woke up feeling funny, all I could see was ceiling tiles and overhead lights.

"Morning!" an older woman's voice from the side. I turned my head, well, I thought I did, but nothing in front of me moved. I tried again, I realized I couldn't move.

Panic!

I did feel a tiny dull pressure on my arm, realized someone had pressed a needle into me. More sleep.

The next time I woke up, it was with memories flooding back. I opened my mouth to speak, a gurgling sound came out.

"Good morning, awake again I see."

"Yesghs.." came out of me.

I could feel something in my mouth, it was gurgling, some kind of suction device.

A Doctor came in, looked me over.

"He seems to be alert."

Talking like I wasn't there, I hate that.

I listened, I was getting part of the conversation. They seemed to be deciding my future for me.

"Not likely to walk again." was the part I didn't like.

Then tests. One after another, "Do you feel this, do you feel that?"

Some of it I did.

"Good sign." someone said.

Great.

Then the Doctor had me sitting propped up, discussing my injuries. There had been an impact to my throat, probably the steering wheel since I had stupidly not had my seat belt fastened.

That was healing, I was getting so I could talk.

The damage to my spine was fairly severe, but I wasn't completely paralyzed, for some reason I had reaction in one leg. They had decided my lack of sensation and inability to move was due to my head injuries, I guess I was still unconscious during the 20 hours of surgery to my brain. I remember they brought me a mirror when I asked for one. The face looking back at me was not mine, the long blond hair I had before was now very short and almost white.

Physical therapy was next. It went on and on, finally a day came when they rolled me out of there. They managed to get me into a battery powered wheelchair, lifted my left arm up enough to strap it in place so I could touch the controls.

I mastered the thing in just an hour or so.

The only thing I had done right was buy insurance, I had enough, thank God. Then my little house was sold, and I went to a living center where there would be more therapy.

I was only 25 years old, trapped in a wheelchair. One leg tingled from time to time, the left fingers were usable but my arm had to be strapped up to work the controls.

I had wept for hours when they finally told me what had happened, the two women in the SUV didn't survive. The first people on the scene had looked and thought I was dead, but as they cut me from the machine I moaned.

My fault. One instant of silliness on my part was all it took. A mother and her daughter, gone for all time because of me. Sure, they had pulled over in front of me, because there was plenty of room at 60 MPH.

At 110, there wasn't.

I slipped into depression, I would have killed myself if I could, but I couldn't. I simply had no way to do it.

I was sitting in my tiny room at the living center, looking out the window at the snow falling, when I heard a voice.

"Hello. I am Katie, your new physical therapist."

I touched the button on the chair, turned.

Here stood a beautiful woman, about my age. Her hair was dark, worn long almost to her shoulders, laying in those little waves like the girl from the mermaid movie. She had on a medium length soft pink smock, open at the throat.

She was a vision to me.

"I'm Dan." I managed to speak.

"Yep, let's go to work."

She wheeled me down to the pool, got me out of the chair, undressed and into a swimsuit. I turned pink at the thought of my nakedness, she just acted like it was normal and did her job. There had been a lot of nakedness in the hospital, mostly older nurses. I never got used to that. It was much worse with this young and pretty lady tending me.

Then she lifted the smock over her head, she had on a black one piece bathing suit that did absolutely nothing to hide her figure. The cloth over her breasts hugged her nipples, outlining them. I felt all the sensations of male excitement in my mind. I felt nothing in my body.

She got me into the water, it was odd that my left leg felt wet, so did my left arm. I could even stand in the water, up over my waist, my right arm hanging useless at my side. I could "walk" if that is the word, I leaned and let my right leg swing ahead, then set it down and stepped forward with my left. My right leg would support me in the water if I watched the motion, but folded the instant I took my eyes off it. Katie was right there supporting me, helping me to force my body through the motions.

Later, as I lay on a big towel and she stripped the damp suit from me and toweled me dry, I glanced down. I was fully erect, yet I felt nothing.

"Good sign!" Katie smiled as she professionally took care of drying, then dressing me.

Visits from my Doctor had dropped off to twice a month or so, just checking on progress. I was at the point where I could feel the pinpricks in my left foot and leg as he went around stabbing me. I was starting to hate that, it hurt.

"Good sign!"

I was starting to hate hearing that, too.

More sessions in the pool, on and on. I would have gotten bored except for Katie. She was fun to talk to, we spoke of hopes and dreams. I looked forward to every session, sometimes she wore the dark suit, sometimes she wore a white bikini.

I liked looking at her. After each session, she would help me change, I was now beginning to feel sensation in my right leg and arm, and...I noticed that I was beginning to feel my groin when her touch excited me.

She always dried my testicles and penis with the towel, one day as she was doing that I felt a spasm, looked down. I had orgasmed.

I turned bright pink, stammered an apology. Katie just cleaned me up, started to open her mouth to say it.

I said, "I know. Good sign!"

She laughed.

"Yes, a very good sign. Your body is beginning to relearn itself."

I relaxed after that. Katie began to take extra time as she dried my body after our sessions, I was responding to that nicely. I was also at the point where I could reach myself with my left hand, and my right was improving daily.

I even began to swim. At first it was a push and a stroke, then I was making half strokes with each arm, finally full strokes. I was getting strong, the little one pound weights became 2, then 10.

Katie had worked with me for a full year the day I managed to swim the full length of the pool. Exhausted, I reached up with first one hand, then the other, grabbed the edge to support myself.

I looked over for her, she always was right beside me.

She wasn't there. Looking back, I saw her still at the other end, I had crossed the deeper end by myself.

"Now swim back."

I hesitated.

"Swim to me, Dan!"

Gathering all my strength, I pushed off, each stroke was an agony but I was doing it. I refused to touch bottom even as I crossed into the shallow portion, By the time I got there and grabbed onto her I was through. Nothing left.

"You made it!" her eyes were proud. I held her longer than I needed to, she didn't resist.

It was just a week later I stood up out of my wheelchair, took two steps and fell on my face. Within another week, I was crossing the room and back. I was doing it for Katie, I was hopelessly, completely in love with her.

Then I was allowed to move, the neat little ground floor apartment was fine and simple, everything located easy to reach. I still spent a lot of time in the wheelchair, and Katie arrived every day to help me walk, farther and farther each time.

That was my entire world, my little apartment and Katie. In my own mind, I was making fantasy plans. Katie and I, a life together, children. The way she touched me, moved me, I was sure in my own mind that she loved me, too.

I worked as hard as I could on myself, trying to get stronger, better.

For her.

One day she told me that she was taking another case, I would be able to fend for myself. I cried, reaching for her, holding her.

"I love you, I need you with me!" I managed to blurt out, my cheeks wet with tears. She just let me hold her, finally I let go.

"Good luck, Dan. You will be all right." She kissed my cheek, and she was gone.

My world was dark after that, I did have another lady who came by, she was older. Her name was Maria. She took me through exercises, I was at the point where I only used the wheelchair to go to the store and back. I was still unable to walk long distances.

But Katie, always Katie. There in the back of my mind.

One day Maria was talking me through excercises, I was getting tired, so I sat on the edge of my bed.

I asked her about Katie, I had not mentioned her up to that point, to do so brought tears.

Maria listened quietly as it all poured out of me. I suppose I made a bit of a fool out of myself.

"You don't know about Katie, do you Dan?"

"Know?"

She sighed.

"The accident? You remember? The two women in the other car?"

I looked at her oddly, the pain slipped into my mind again.

"It was Katie's Mother, and her Sister."

I looked at Maria in shock.

"Katie had herself assigned to you."

"But...I..." I sat down, unable to stand.

"It was her way of forgiving you, Dan." Maria looked at me quietly, judging my reaction.

My reaction was to bawl like a baby.

"She said she needed to know if you were worth saving."

I wiped at my eyes, looked up at Maria.

"She gave you a gift, Dan."