Alone with my Friend TessbyaddieQ©
The bus was just creeping along, it was snowing like crazy and the roads were super slippery. Tess and I were sitting alone, way in the back of the bus, trying to stay warm. There was a heater vent back there, but it didn't help much.
All the boys on the trip were sitting a few rows ahead of us, and they were making a lot of noise.
Tess looked me and whispered, "Rachel, I'm so glad you're here because those boys are so immature."
I smiled with relief and said, "I'm glad you're here too."
We were on a field trip with our church youth group. The bus was filled with a bunch of high school aged kids; they were all boys, except for Tess and me. We were the only girls in the bunch. There were only three adults, the church pastor, one of boy's father, and the bus driver.
Tess overheard the boys say something on the bus, and she turned and glared at them. She got up from our seat, and walked up the center isle to where they were giggling together. They all immediately got quiet, and then she told them to please act a little more grown up. She didn't get angry, but she just seemed to encourage them to be better, and that impressed me so much. I watched as all the boys all sort of nodded sheepishly, and then she turned around and walked back to our seat.
When she slid into the bus seat next to me I whispered, "What did they say?"
She calmly told me, "They made a totally childish comment about the way my breasts look."
"They did? What did they say?"
She sort of rolled her eyes and said, "One of them said, 'That sweater of yours is awful tight for those pointy boobs,' and then the rest of them all snickered."
Actually, it I noticed the same thing, because Tess's sweater was really tight, and it actually made her breasts look - well - really pointy. So what those boys said was sort of true. I feel silly saying that, but I thought the same thing when I saw her this morning. Her breasts aren't really big or anything, but they are sort of - well I guess the way to say it is they defy gravity and they jiggle a little bit when she walks.
She's 18 years old, just like I am, I think a lot of boys must notice her breasts, I mean; they are really sort of mesmerizing.
I asked, "Doesn't it bother you, what those boys said."
Tess answered thoughtfully, "I guess it bothers me a little bit. But it's funny because it feels like my breasts are still so new. I mean, they sort of just arrived. You remember what I looked like on this same church trip last winter, back then they were really tiny, so in way, I'm still not used to them."
I sat silent, but I really wanted to compliment her, to tell her how pretty I thought she was.
She has dark brown hair that she keeps pulled back in a ponytail. And her eyes are really pretty too. She has dark eyelashes and thick beautiful eyebrows. She's a little bit taller than I am, and she has really pretty curvy hips. It's hard to explain, but there is just something really confident about her, and it makes me so envious.
It made me feel so bad that the boys would make fun of her for just being pretty. Tess deserves praise, but I don't think those childish boys realize just how beautiful she really is. All of this has been really confusing for me, I feel so sheltered and Tess has been so kind to me. I wish I could tell this story in a way that really lets you know how much I love her. But I worry some of the details are all mixed up, it's just so emotional for me.
We had been on this trip for a few weeks now, and the devotional work we were doing was really rewarding. We had been traveling every few days, and for the most part we stayed in churches along the way. All of us would camp out in the basements of these churches, and it's been really fun. There was only one time where we needed to stay in a motel. Tess and I stayed in a tiny room together, and we stayed up late and watched TV.
We were both in bed together and we watched this scary movie. I was so terrified, and I sort of clung onto my beautiful friend's arm as she lay there next to me. I feel so silly admitting how scared I was, but Tess was so kind and she would gently pat me on my shoulder and reassure me that it was just a movie.
At one point during the bus ride, all the boys started giggling. I hadn't heard what they had said, but I could tell that Tess was annoyed.
She grumbled, "What a bunch of children."
Tess had to explain what the boys were joking about. She said they were all joking about jacking off. I really didn't know what she was talking about.
Tess told me, "They are making childish comments about masturbating."
I said, "Really? Is that what they were hinting about?"
She softly told me, "Don't worry about them, it's not such a big deal. All those boys are really immature."
I looked at her, and I was surprised because she seemed so unfazed by such blasphemous comments by that group of boys.
I told her, "Talking like that just seems so - profane. Those boys could get in a lot of trouble from the pastor. It scares me."
Tess smiled at me, and then she leaned in and whispered in my ear, "Don't worry, I masturbate a lot, and it's nothing to be scared about."
I was shocked, and Tess could see by my reaction that what she just whispered was too much for me.
She followed up with, "Oh Rachel, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you."
I said, "You just surprised me, I mean, isn't it a sin to do that?"
Tess looked at me solemnly, "Don't worry, it's not a sin."
"But, I just feel all jittery just to talk about it."
"Please Rachel. You shouldn't feel nervous or bad about this, okay?"
I replied nervously, "Well, okay - if you say so."
She patted me on the leg in a reassuring way, and I felt really comforted by her simple gesture.
I cautiously asked, "Are you serious, I mean you've really - well - you've actually tried it?"
"Yes, and it's really nice. I like doing it - I like it a lot."
I leaned over and cautiously whispered in Tess's ear, "I feel really embarrassed to admit this, but I wanted to try it, and I sort of started - once - but I was just too scared to do anything."
She smiled and said, "That's good. I'm proud of you."
"I'm not sure, it really freaked me out."
Tess smiled and told me, "Don't worry about this. Let's talk about this later, when we aren't in a bus full of boys, okay?"
She was so kind, and she really put my mind at ease.
I said, "Okay. That would be nice."
Tess was so supportive and calm about it. It was such a relief to know she understood how I felt. Tess knew all about my life at home. I lived in such a strict house, and even thinking about this kind of stuff just felt so sinful. Ever since my mom died, I've had to help my Father take care of my two little brothers. We live on a farm way out away from town, so I don't really mix with other kids much, especially girls.
I feel so alone, and at the same time I'm so scared about everything. I'm sheltered from all the things that any normal girl would know about, and I feel so much shame about the simplest stuff. I know Tess from our church and she is really the only girl friend that I have. She's the one person in the world I can confide in about my fears and nervousness. She's been so kind to me, and I really appreciate it. It felt so nice that she wasn't at all scared to talk about something as shameful masturbation. It seemed so strange, because it really freaks me out to even think about it.
On the bus, when Tess whispered about masturbation, it forced me to think about the one and only time I tried to, well - when I started to touch myself. I was alone in my bedroom, it was late at night and I put my hands down in-between my legs. This may sound funny, but it really scared me when I started to feel myself get - well - wet like I did. It felt TOO good, and I was really worried, and I just had to stop. But, my fingertip was a little bit wet, and I actually allowed myself to smell it. This may seem funny, but that smell was just TOO much for me. Something about it was really powerful, and it made me feel sort of crazy, and it really scared me.
The pastor announced to everyone on the bus that the road was closed ahead and we would need to stop. The bus eventually pulled into a parking lot of a motel along the highway, and by this time it was sort of late at night. The pastor got out while we all waited, and after a few minutes he returned and said it was all arranged.
Tess and I needed to get our own room. We were the only two girls in a bus full of boys and the church is super strict about these kinds of things. There are a lot of rules, and the people who are here with us are really conservative and they adhere to rigid church protocol. It would be considered morally wrong to have boys and girls together in the same room without one of the adults there to act as a safeguard against anything that might happen. There was just so much unspoken drama about any kind of temptation, and it made everything seem sort of distasteful between boys and girls.
Tess and I waited until all the boys were assigned rooms. It was going to be crowded for them, and the motel needed to make arrangements with cots so they would all have a place to sleep.
After the boys all moved off and followed the Pastor down the hall, it was just me and Tess left in the lobby. The man at the desk smiled politely at us and said we were lucky because we would be in the nicest suite in the motel. Then he listed off all kinds of things and he talked so fast I couldn't follow any of it. But I did hear him say we had three hours of free movies. We could watch them using the motels on-screen menu.
Tess and I got our keys and walked down a long quiet hallway trying to find our room.
Tess explained, "All I want to do is take a long hot shower after being stuck in that freezing bus all day.
"Me too," I heartily agreed.
I remarked about the last time we stayed in a motel room like this, that I thought it was really fun,
Then Tess giggled, "You thought it was fun? Even though we watched that scary movie together?"
I said, "I thought I was going to have a heart attack I was so scared."
Tess added, "It was scary for me too, but you were so terrified, it made me feel all worried for you."
"I know, I never would have been brave enough to watch something like that alone, I only did it because you there with me."
Tess reassured me, "But you managed to watch it, just like I did, and we are both still fine!"
I thought about how sweet and kind Tess was to me.
Tess must have thought I was a totally scaredy-cat when were in bed together and we watching that creepy movie. I was so freaked-out, and I desperately clung onto Tess's arm as she lay there next to me. But Tess was so tender, and it really made me feel nice. It's funny, she has such a strong effect on me, and I just love her so much.
When we got into the room, I was really amazed at how fancy it was. It was a lot bigger than the other place we stayed, and there was a huge TV and a giant sized bed.
But the room was really cold, and Tess immediately went over and turned on the heat.
She said, "I'm gunna crank the heat until this room is roasting!"
"Good, I'm still so cold from that freezing bus." I repeated what she had said earlier.
Tess went into the bathroom and I heard her exclaim, "Wow, we even have our own bathrobes!"
And sure enough, there were two big thick bathrobes hanging in the bathroom. They looked enormous and warm.
Tess said she wanted to take a shower first. She pointed to all the things on the bathroom counter and she sort of giggled, "This is so cool, look at everything they have for us." There was shampoo, conditioner, bath oil, moisturizers, and fresh razors that were all lined up next to the sink.
She said, "I'm gonna take a really long shower and shave my legs. Oh God, that'll feel SO nice."
While Tess was in the shower I thought about how sweet she'd been to me during this trip. She seems so much more grown up than me, I feel like I can be so nervous and awkward at times. But Tess is just so kind to me, and she is so patient, even when I act all fidgety I know this might sound funny, but Tess is so kindhearted and caring whenever she needs to explains something for me. She has this calm voice that just seems to hypnotize me.
Here's an example. Earlier in the trip she had to point out to me that the boys were flirting with me. Some of the boys on this church trip were sort of acting really attentive towards me. And they were making silly jokes. I felt so awkward around them, and later when we were alone together Tess told me that they were flirting. I know it must sound dumb that I didn't know what they were doing, but I live such a sheltered life. Tess could have laughed at me, but she didn't. She was SO sweet and kind. She carefully explained what they were hinting at, and it felt so wonderful to have someone so smart take the time to help me understand such normal day-to-day stuff.
And just a few weeks ago, after church we sat together and she convinced me to cut my hair short. I had this long blond hair that I always thought was nice, but she thought I would look cute with shorter hair. She carefully explained why she thought I would pretty with shorter hair. And listening to her I was just swept away, there is just something magical about her voice. Later on that same day, I let her cut my hair, and she was totally right. I think I look really cute with my new short pixie haircut, and now I get compliments about it all the time.
After what seemed like forever, I heard the shower stop and after a few minutes Tess came out of the bathroom wearing one of the oversized white terri-cloth bathrobes. Her hair was wet and she looked so beautiful.
She exclaimed, "Oh my God, that was wonderful! Now it's your turn."
When I got into the bathroom it was still warm and steamy. I saw Tess's bra and panties on the floor, and I immediately realized that she wasn't wearing anything under the bathrobe when she spoke to me just seconds ago. I mean, that's normal I guess, but for some reason, it felt funny to me. Seeing Tess, and knowing she was naked under the bathrobe seemed a little bit improper.
And I thought about how pretty she looked today, in that tight sweater, and how even with a bra her breasts sort of jiggled when she walked. I felt a little bit worried, was I envious of Tess and how pretty she is?
I stood there and looked at myself in the mirror. Seeing myself in that misty reflection, I was amazed at how funny I can look. I mean, I always seem to have this frightened deer-in-the-headlights kind of expression.
I have sort of big eyes, and I always look sort of scared. Maybe it's just because I'm so shy. But, since my new haircut, I feel a little more content. I have to admit, it's pretty cute. I have this pale red hair, and everybody I meet will comment on how they think it's pretty. When it was long, it seemed sort of stringy, but now that it's short, it just looks prettier. I have Tess to thank for that.
Then, I took off my clothes and folded them on the edge of the big counter top, but I was careful not to look at myself in the mirror, it just feels funny to see myself naked.
I stepped into the tub and turned on the water. The feeling of the hot water in the shower was heavenly after that icy cold bus. The shower we have at home is so tiny, and we hardly have enough hot water, so it felt luxurious to just let the hot water run over my body.
Tess said she had shaved her legs in the shower, and I thought I should do the same thing. I'm sort of funny like that. I respect Tess so much, that I find I'll do whatever she does. She's so calm and confident that I really think it helps me, I mean, whenever I follow her lead, I feel like it makes me a little bit more self-assured.
So I stepped out of the shower, found a fresh razor on the sink and took it back in with me. The way the bathtub was set up, it had a little seat, and I sat there in the steamy bathroom, with the shower nozzle pointed at me and the hot water pounding on me and I shaved my legs. I guess I really don't need to shave them, I have such thin wispy hair, but I did it because Tess did it. She seemed so excited about doing it, and it made me feel the same way.
After the shower, I took the towel and wiped off the steam on the mirror. I stood alone in the bathroom and looked in the huge mirror. It was a funny feeling to see myself naked and wet. At home, we only have a little mirror in the bathroom, so I've never really seen a full view of myself naked like this in front of a really big mirror.
Tess always describes me as petite, and that's a really nice way of saying that I'm small. I actually like it when she says that, but I just don't understand why I was feeling so confused about seeing myself naked in the mirror like this.
As looked at my reflection, I was, as always, immediately fixated on my tiny breasts. They are just so small, it's like they aren't there at all. I feel so funny getting all self-conscious like this, it just seems so unfair that Tess has breasts that are normal sized compared to mine. I mean - I'm eighteen years old now, but my breasts are still in the sixth grade. Yes, I know, this must sound weird, but I just can't help feeling all obsessive about them. They are VERY small. I mean, they just stopped growing when I was about twelve years old.
The fact is that I'm tiny all over, I'm short, and since Tess cut my hair, even that's short too. I turned a little sideways and looked at my reflection. Maybe I exaggerated, I do have breasts, but they are just really small. The weird thing is that I have really pointy nipples, I don't understand it. To make things even more awkward, my nipples always seem so obvious through most of my clothes. It's embarrassing for me, I mean; I simply can't wear tight t-shirts like normal girls. My nipples are just so noticeable - even with a bra. It's something that has been especially troubling on this church outing, I mean, It's just so inappropriate, I just have to dress so carefully because if I don't everyone would notice my nipples, especially those leering boys. I suddenly felt ashamed of myself because I was staring at my own nipples, so right then, I put on that thick bathrobe. It felt warm and luxurious.
I wanted to put my underwear and bra back on, but I didn't. The bathrobe was so big and thick that I thought that it was all right to be naked underneath. I mean, Tess wore her bathrobe like that, so I thought maybe it was okay that I did it too.
When I got out of the shower I was amazed at how warm the room felt. The heater was still on high and it felt glorious after that frigid bus.
Tess was lying on the bed wearing that giant bathrobe. It was funny to know that was naked underneath, but since it was just us in the room, I tried not to worry about it.
She was using the clicker and scrolling through a menu on the giant sized TV that was positioned directly across from the bed. She had a bunch of pillows behind her so she was all propped up.
Tess said, " You won't believe what they have on their movie list."
I asked, "What?"
She giggled and said, "They have a list of what they are calling 'adult cinema' and they have a lot to choose from."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean they have all kinds of porno movies!"
I sort of gasped and said, "Oh no, that's terrible."
"I don't know, it's really tempting. I mean, we could watch them and nobody will ever know!"
I said, "You're kidding aren't you?"
"No, I'm serious. I kinda wanna watch one."
Her comment seemed to take me by surprise. I mean, we were both committed to doing charity work on this devout church outing, and it just seemed too scandalous to even consider watching movies like that.
I said, "But, we can't watch anything like that."