I’m lost in the abounding emotion that floods my soul at the mere mention of his name and sitting down to capture them in words is a challenge for me. How do you capture love in a moment of time and put it down for others to read? But that is the challenge that sets before me today, at this moment. What drives me to do it is to capture this moment of my life and bookmark it like a favorite site on my internet browser, so I can visit it again and again when my heart ceases to beat. Then I am reminded, again, of what drives me on through this mundane world – him.
I sit here trying to conjure up words to explain the beat of my heart, the whisper of a soft voice in my head, the pound of my blood running deeply through my veins and I’m finding it difficult, more difficult than I can explain. Even though I am a classic realist, he puts my head in the clouds and sends my heart soaring where it can’t be touched ... it scares me so. I feel so helpless in moments like this … so vulnerable but yet, I can’t stop it. It’s like a myriad of colors that seep into my soul and a warm gentle breeze that calms me even as my heart beats a million miles a minute. It makes no sense!
All practicality rushes away when I lay in his arms … even in the soft rumble of his accent but yet, I feel so at home, so at peace, when I am in his presence. It’s as though all that makes sense clashes into this jumble of peace within me. While my heart beats helplessly, lost in this place that he puts me with a simple smile, I am so content just that he smiles upon me. God, I crave him … I need him like I have needed no other and it’s so hopelessly insane. At times I think I’ve lost my mind and I’m a mature woman with responsibilities and college degrees and a philosopher at heart. But at times like this I realize that I am just a woman who is lost in a man.
There are no specifics that I can specifically write about. Of course, we’ve had our physically bonding moments and I could go into detail but that would, then, mar what I hold dear to my heart. Those moments are for us alone. The details are so vivid in my mind though and I can still taste the nectar of his kiss, the warmth of his arms and the smell of his skin against mine. Instead what I want to capture is the turmoil of emotions that he brings out in me. Perhaps in sharing those, you, too, can relieve those moments special to you and remember the bond that ties.
Of course there is that fluttering in the pit of your belly … that almost sickly sweet feeling where if you ate anything spicy at that particular moment, you would throw up. It rears its head quickly when he enters a room or when my e-mail blinks and I see it is from him … or even, lately, when my cell phone rings and I see his phone number blinking in time to the downloaded ring. I can barely speak for the breathlessness that enraptures my whole being and takes over the normal tone of my voice. And then I cradle lovingly the phone to my ear as if I had a hold of his hand and was tenderly brushing it against my face. These little things take hold of me when I’m lost in the moment that is him.
In the first few weeks that I have discovered this intense feeling that I have for him, I’ve also discovered my insecurities. I feel so helpless at times because of this rush of needful want that takes hold of me when it comes to him, as if I am so afraid of it ending and breaking my fragile heart. I, like many people around me, have had my share of broken dreams and unfulfilled promises and I, at times, am so afraid to hope. I try to control this roller coaster of emotions that he instills within me because I don’t like being out of control. I like to have a clear head on my shoulder and know where I am going but he has stolen them away from me and where I almost feel like I should be screaming “Foul!”, I have, instead, just given them up. But I am still scared of him shattering my heart. I hope that is expected at this point of our relationship.
I want so desperately to label the intense feelings I have for him as love. It is what bubbles up within me and springs to my lips but I fear to say them. That word makes me so vulnerable and I still don’t really know, am not really reassured, that these intense feelings are the same for him and I want them so desperately to be. But we are still in the growth stages … seeing where it will go, what the future holds in store for us. I try to tell myself to slow down but my heart is running full throttle and I’m not sure I can stop it at this point. For now I try to reassure myself and just enjoy the moments that we have together. My head says it is too early to love him and maybe it is but someone needs to try telling that to my heart.