Two years ago, I was a twenty-six-year-old virgin living on the west side of Manhattan. Being a virgin at that age is a real rarity anywhere these days. In New York where it seems like sex is in the air everywhere you go, it's even more rare. But I had always been shy with women. I was overweight--not obese, but enough to make me very self-conscious. I was not at all well endowed either, and that added to my shyness. I was feeling many things. I felt alone, frustrated, different. But most of all what I felt was shame. Shame at reaching this age and never having had a single sexual encounter. Shame at never having the courage to make that first move with a girl. Then I met someone very special. Someone who lifted my shame and changed me forever.
Anna was a gorgeous, twenty-one-year-old college student from Germany. She was slim, rather tall, with large eyes, beautiful wavy brown hair which just came down to her shoulders. Actually, the first thing I ever noticed about her was her big wide smile. She was simply one of the most beautiful girls I had ever seen.
Anna had moved into the apartment above mine. I first saw her in the elevator. The first couple of times, she just smiled at me we didn't speak except to say hello. But just the fact that she smiled at me more than made my day. Finally, on our third elevator encounter, I got the nerve to chat her up a little. I found out that she was here studying philosophy. Her spoken English was very fluent, really only a trace of an accent. But she told me she was having trouble with her written assignments. She said her written grammar wasn't always correct. So, seeing an opportunity, I offered to help her go over her papers. She seemed grateful for the offer and accepted.
So for the next couple of weeks, I would go up to her place for a couple of hours a night to help her. We'd work for awhile and then she'd make tea and we would just sit and talk. It might seem that I was being generous with my time, but just being in her presence was a big thrill for me. Her lovely smile, her sexy, high-pitched voice--I was falling deeply in love.
I knew that she wasn't a virgin herself because of a couple of off-handed remarks she had made about having a couple of lovers. At first, I didn't think I'd have any kind of a chance with her. But as I got to know her, I began to see her as the one who would finally take my virginity. In my fantasies, she would be so gentle and patient with me. She was so sweet, I just knew she would take pleasure in teaching me. I would be so comfortable with her. I wouldn't be embarrassed to be learning from a younger woman. With each day, I became more and more certain that she would be the one to bring me into my manhood.
After a couple of weeks, I asked her if she wanted to go out with me. A nearby park was having a music festival and craft fair on the following Sunday. She said that she'd love to go. You can imagine my excitement the night before the festival. I could hardly sleep. The proximity of her bedroom, just above my own, added to my anxiety. I'd look up at the ceiling and imagine.
When I went up to her place to meet her the next day, she looked more beautiful than I had ever seen her. She wore a white, sleeveless, cotton pullover blouse with no bra. Her nipples were very much in evidence. Her flowery skirt had a slit in the side which showed off her gorgeous legs. She was so excited to be going, she was almost like a little girl. But make no mistake, she looked like a woman.
We walked to the park, and once we were there she started turning heads left and right. There was no doubt, she was the most beautiful girl in the park that day. She would take my arm with her hand as we walked and I would just about die. We stopped at one craft booth where she was admiring an Indian jade bracelet. I bought it for her and she gave me a big hug. I just couldn't believe it. At this point just knew I was going to be her lover. I had even decided that I would try to kiss her before the day was out.
However, what I didn't know was that her future lover was indeed in the park that day--and that he wasn't me.
Anna had told me that she was tired and wanted to sit on a bench for a few minutes. I asked if she'd like for me to get her something to drink and she asked me to get to her a lemonade. I should have known better than to leave her alone with all the heads she was turning. It took about ten minutes for me to go for the lemonade, and when I got back, there he was. Mr. Jock, (I later learned his name was Matt) sitting atop a ten-speed bike, talking and laughing with Anna. I had to admit, he was really good-looking--tall, short brown hair, hard all over, about my age, maybe a year or two older. It didn't hurt that his shirt was off.
I gave Anna her lemonade. She thanked me for it, but other than that, it was almost as if I wasn't there. I could tell that the two of them were speaking a completely different language, the language of two sexy people who are attracted to one another. It was a language that I wasn't privy to.
He finally rode off, but the last thing he said to her was that he'd call her. So he had obviously gotten her number before I showed up. Even though she was walking away with me, I could tell that her mind was on him. I noticed that her nipples were practically protruding through her thin cotton blouse. I knew then. I knew that I had been a fool to even think that she would consider me a potential lover. The guy on the bike, or someone like him, would be the one to hold her, to taste her neck and her nipples, to come inside of her, to feel her soft hair against his chest, her bare skin against his. I was her chubby friend is what I was. My heart sank. We finished out the day together. She was still nice, still held my arm. But I knew something had changed.
Over the next week, I went up to her place a few times to help with her assignments. Everything was pretty much the same as before, we'd work, talk, have tea. I'd leave, and she'd smile and give me a kiss on the cheek. She didn't say anything about the guy in the park. I started to feel a little better. Maybe what went on in the park was nothing. Maybe she had gone out with the guy and he had turned out to be a jerk. Maybe she had fucked him and got it out of her system and she was ready to turn her attention back to the sweet guy who lived downstairs. I started to get my hopes up again.
Then, one night early the following week, I was with her at her place. As soon as we finished work, instead of making tea, she asked me to leave. She wasn't rude, she just said she was tired. A smile and a kiss on the cheek. I was a little disappointed, but I didn't think that much of it. I got down to my place and about five minutes later I just happened to look out my window. There he was, coming into the building--Matt, the guy from the park. It didn't take much to figure out what was happening. He was even toting a backpack, probably with some overnight things. My heart sank again.
The walls in this building have always been rather thin. The same goes for the floors. I could sometimes hear Anna walking around her apartment. About two minutes after I saw Matt enter the building, I heard an unmistakable sound coming from her bedroom--the sound of two pairs of feet. I listened carefully and could hear talking, laughing. A couple of minutes later, another unmistakable sound, although it was one I had only heard in movies. It was the sound of two lovers pleasuring each other. It was painful to listen to it, but I couldn't help it. The sound of their lovemaking was faint, but when she came, I doubt I was the only one in the building to hear it.
So it went on like this for the next couple of weeks. I'd go up to her place to help her with her work, leave, get a kiss on the cheek. He'd show up a little later, I'd punish myself by listening. I didn't say anything to her about it and curiously, she didn't mention him. I wasn't even sure they were even dating, seeing each other outside of their lovemaking sessions. Even though all this was painful for me, I still had a need just to be with her. Until one night, I decided I couldn't take it anymore.
We hadn't planned to work that night, but I showed up at her door all the same. I asked if I could come in and speak to her. She let me in and led me over to her sofa. I guess she could tell something was up by the look on my face. She asked what was wrong. And then it all came out. I told her I was in love with her, had been from the first time we met. I told her that I was a virgin, that I had fantasies about giving my virginity to her. That I knew she had a lover and I knew I couldn't compete with him. But that the shame of being a virgin at my age was more than I could bare. I was completely in tears now. I asked if there was any way that she could spend just one night with me and make me a man, to take the shame away from me.
I didn't expect her to do what she did then. She wrapped her arms around me and whispered into my ear. She said that she loved me. She loved me with her heart, but not physically. That physically, she loved a certain kind of man, and I was not that type. She said that she knew I was a virgin from when we first met, that she had a sixth sense about such things. And that it was my innocence that made her love me. And that she couldn't bear to take away that innocence. She assured me that it would happen at some point in my life, that when it happened it would be really special. But she couldn't bear to be the one.
We held each other for a few minutes. We were both in tears now. And then she whispered something to me that changed my life. She told me not to be ashamed. She said that my virginity made me unique, that it set me apart from other men my age. She asked me to do something for her. She asked me to try and take joy in my innocence, to embrace it, instead of letting it make me ashamed. We held each other in silence for a few more minutes, then she led me to the door. I turned to her and told her that I would try to do what she asked. I didn't know if I could, but I would try. She smiled and caressed my face and gave me a soft kiss on the lips. She closed the door behind me.
When I got down to my place, I cried some more for awhile. I took off my clothes and got into bed. Before long, I heard a familiar sound from upstairs. Two pairs of feet, two voices. Then, for the first time, I masturbated to the sounds of their lovemaking.
Over the next few days a change took place in me. I started thinking about what Anna had said, about how my virginity made me special. My shame was gradually being lifted from me, replaced by a certain kind of pride. Not a self-righteous kind of pride, but a joy in my innocence. It was almost magical. My shame had disappeared.
Something else changed as well. I still masturbated nightly while thinking of Anna. But I was no longer in the fantasy myself. Now, her lover in my fantasies was Matt. It seemed a little strange to me at first that he would replace me in my own fantasies, but I later realized that it was perfectly normal. I could not have her. But still the thought of her being aroused and willing was very stimulating to me and he was the one who aroused her. It was no longer painful for me to listen to them making love. In fact, I looked forward to it. But even when he didn't visit, I would still fantasize about the two of them. I still do to this day.
She leads him into her bedroom. They strip off their clothes and she bends her knees and delivers tender kisses to his hard stomach. She has a butterfly tattoo on her ass and is wearing a navel ring. He takes the pins holding up her hair and tosses them away. She shakes her head and her beautiful wavy hair falls down to her shoulders.
She gets up and lays down across the bed on her back. Her hair hangs off the edged of the bed. He kisses her stomach, takes her navel ring into his mouth and sucks on it. She is practically insane. He mounts her, enters her. She wraps her legs and arms around him. Her foot is wedged into the crook of his leg, behind his knee. Their perfect bodies join together in a rhythmic motion. Her moans get louder, they are almost musical. He tastes her nipples and buries his face into her neck. Her smile has never been wider. As they move closer to orgasm, she sinks her teeth into his shoulder. She comes. Her body jerks violently several times. Then she goes limp, hanging her head off the edge of the bed.
They lay on top of the bed together, spent. They spend the night wrapped in each other's arms. She feels like she could stay like this forever. I only hope that somewhere in the night, she gives a tiny thought to the sweet, shy virgin who lives downstairs.
And so it went for the next few months. Matt left town after a few weeks for a new job. I think he was some kind of oceanographer or something, I know it was some kind of outdoor job. Anna had another couple of guys up their over the next few months. One was a black guy with braids, the other was a rock band guy with long hair; both really muscular.
Anna and I would still see each other. We went out to movies, dinner. Sometimes she'd see a good-looking guy in a restaurant and I'd sense the vibes pass between them. I didn't mind, I knew it was just nature taking it's course. We talked many times about that night in her apartment. I told her about the change that had come over me and how I had her to thank for it. I could tell she was pleased.
And then Anna herself left and went back to Germany. It was kind of a sudden thing, some kind of family emergency. But she never came back. Finally, about six months ago, I got a letter from her. She said she was going to school part-time and also doing some modeling part-time. She thanked me for being her friend during the time she was in the states. And she said that she loved me. She asked if I had managed to lose my virginity in the months since she had seen me. She wrote, "I hope so. I hope not." And she drew a little smiley face. She said she would always remember me as her virgin boyfriend.
I woke up this morning a virgin, twenty-eight years old. Tonight I'll go to bed a virgin. Tomorrow, maybe I'll meet that special someone who will usher me into my manhood. Perhaps it will be another virgin and we'll discover that world together. That would be really nice. I don't know. I do know that even if it doesn't happen for awhile, even if it never happens, I can be happy in what I am. Anna did that for me. She gave me a new life. I will always be Anna's Virgin.