Aunt Sandi Ch. 12bydan_kildall©
In the weeks leading up to Bethany's birthday, Mom had continued her weekend visits with Sandi and me. Each time she had to leave, it seemed like it got just a bit harder for her.
On this particular early Monday morning, Mom woke me gently. It was still dark and Sandi was sleeping soundly next to her. Through tired eyes I picked up my phone and pressed the button to see the time. It read 4:37.
I croaked, "Are you OK?"
Mom scooted her naked body into mine and whispered, "I'm afraid, Danny. So afraid."
The tone of the whisper gave me the impression that she was on the verge of tears, so I whispered back as gently as I could, "Need to talk? Maybe we should go out to the kitchen so we don't wake Sandi."
She didn't answer, but she immediately started moving to get out of bed. In the dark I went and grabbed a couple blankets from the hall closet to wrap up in and joined Mom at the kitchen table.
I said, "Should I turn the light on?"
She hesitantly said, "No, it's better if I say this in the dark. If you're looking at me I don't know if I'll be able to get it out."
"What? This sounds bad."
In the darkness I heard her take a deep breath. Finally, she said, "You know I've loved visiting you and Sandi all these times, right? And I want you to know that..." She paused and sighed again and finally said, "Every time I come here, I feel like I fall deeper in love with you. I'm having trouble dealing with it. I can't stop thinking of you. Even when I'm with your father, I think of you and it makes me feel awful. Never repeat that to him, OK?"
She broke off and gasped for air and started sobbing. In the darkness I found her hand and held it.
I said, "Mom..." I couldn't think of what to say and decided it better to remain silent.
She finally calmed down and said, "I'm not sure what to do. All week at home, I can't think of anything except coming back here. The way you make me feel... It's like nothing I've ever felt. I've debated whether to tell you this, but your father just hasn't been able to do what you do. You know, our special way. He tries, but it just doesn't seem to work. I even try to think of you during but it just won't happen... I'm sure it's me somehow, but whatever it is, it's causing a lot of frustration and I know he suspects something is up. It's driving a wedge between us. And the worst part of this whole sordid mess is this damned commitment ceremony thing that Sandi has cooked up. I... I'm having the most terrible jealous thoughts about it. I know you'll think I'm silly but I wish that somehow it could be me instead of her. I never thought I would have feelings like these Danny. I've been fighting them and fighting them, but it's no use."
She paused and I squeezed her hand tightly and said, "Mom, you have to fight these feelings. I would never want to hurt Dad or screw up your marriage or something like that. It would kill me. And he would probably literally kill me."
She sniffled and said, "I know. I'll figure it out somehow. But now the next thing weighing on my mind is this thing with your sister. What's to stop you from falling in love with her and messing up your relationship with Sandi, and even with me? It's all just too much. I'm really regretting ever agreeing to that, mainly because now I'm probably going to be jealous of my own daughter. It just makes me want to cry and I don't know what to do. Please hold me."
I held her in the darkness and she began to cry. A moment or two later Sandi walked into the kitchen and asked gently, "What's wrong? I heard crying. Why are you guys sitting in the dark? I'm turning a light on."
Sandi clicked the light above the stove on, which was just enough so we could see each other clearly and said, "Dee, what is it? Why are you crying honey?" She knelt down next to Mom and hugged her.
Mom said in a whisper, "If I tell you you'll never forgive me."
Sandi said, "Whatever it is, we'll figure it out, OK? So please just tell me. Please..."
Mom gathered her strength and told Sandi all the things she had just told me. Sandi nodded and held her hand. A couple times, she looked over at me, but I couldn't really tell from her expression what she was thinking or feeling. I knew that I felt terrible. I had done this. All of the pain my mother was feeling was a direct result of my actions, and I didn't know what to do to fix it. Why couldn't I be normal? Why couldn't I just find a girl my own age instead of my aunt? Why had I allowed my lust to take my life down this crazy path? Why did I ever dance with her at that family reunion that I actually hadn't even wanted to go to?
As all of these thoughts swirled around in my mind, Sandi finally spoke. "Well, I have to say that this is quite a mess. Let's all just take a five-minute breather and think all of this through, shall we? I'm going to make a pot of coffee. You both go put on some clothes and then we'll talk everything out." To Mom she said, "You should go wash your face. I know that always makes me feel better." She kissed her softly on the cheek and whispered, "I'm not mad, OK? I love you. There's nothing to forgive."
Mom nodded and headed for the bathroom. I went and got some clothes on and came right back to the kitchen while Mom was still in the bathroom.
Sandi saw me and whispered, "You troublemaker you." She giggled and said louder, "Don't worry, we're going to be OK. This too shall pass."
I said, "I don't know. She's pretty upset. And I can't stop thinking that all of this is my fault. I'm..."
She held her hand up and said, "Stop it. Stop right there. This is not all your fault. Not even close."
From behind me Mom appeared and said, "She's right, honey. This isn't your fault. All of us did this together. We all agreed to it every step of the way, for better or worse. There's no way we could've predicted everything that would happen when we headed down this path. We all had a choice and we made it. And I would do it again. This has brought us closer together than I ever could have imagined."
Sandi said, "There now, see? We all chose to make this happen. And as unusual as it all is, I don't regret anything and I would do it again too. Things may change and there's nothing I can do about that, but I know that I still love you both, now more than ever."
Sandi paused for a moment to let that sink in and then she said, "Come over and sit down." Mom looked a lot better now that she had had a few minutes to wash her face and calm down.
Mom said, "OK, first, I want to apologize for waking you up. It's just that I was lying there and couldn't get all of these thoughts out of my mind. It's been building up for a while now and I figured I better deal with it now before I went insane. I know that I can't be with Dan or leave James or anything crazy like that. I feel like such a childish girl for even letting those thoughts get into my mind. I almost feel like I'm obsessed. Every time I have to leave here, it breaks my heart into pieces. I get out on the freeway and cry like a new mom that has to leave her baby at a daycare for the first time. I just want to stay and be with you forever. I know, silly, right?"
Sandi held Mom's hand and said, "No, it's not silly at all. I wish you could stay too. If you'll remember, I sort of went through the same thing in the beginning when he wasn't here with me. I'm not sure if I can advise you about how to stop loving him that way because I wasn't able to. And since you're having sex with him regularly, I don't know if you'll be able to either."
Mom sarcastically said, "Not regularly enough." She giggled and Sandi smiled and said, "I know, I know. But what can we do? I guess we could all somehow move in together. Wouldn't that be something?" Now Sandi giggled as well.
Mom didn't laugh and instead gasped a bit and said, "Wow, that's quite an idea, actually. What if you sold your house and moved in with us?"
Sandi looked like she had been hit by a truck. She said, "What? I was only kidding. Are you serious? Dee... I don't know what to say. I mean, what about my job? It would be quite a challenge to find another job as good as mine. And I love my house."
Mom said, "I know. I'm just dreaming out loud. I know it's probably not even a possibility, but can you tell me at least how you'd feel about it if you didn't have your job to worry about?"
Sandi laughed and said, "I don't know... On the one hand, it would be great because we'd all be together. On the other hand, what about your husband, my dear brother-in-law? And what about Bethany? I'm already worried enough about her and next week and what's going to happen after these two are together." She looked over at me and frowned.
Mom said, "And if we could keep that somewhat under control?"
Sandi said sarcastically, "Yeah right, that's been working out just peachy so far." In a normal voice she said, "Sorry, the whole Bethany thing kind of hits a nerve. There are a lot of if's to think about, but if you want my first impression, I would think I would do it. But I worry that with him being so close to Bethany and you all the time would put a strain on our relationship. And with what you said earlier, don't you think it would drive you even crazier knowing that he's really only committing to me and not to you?"
Mom thought about that a bit and finally said, "I think as long as I had him close and you were willing to share him with me, I would be OK with that. I love you too, you know. I don't just want him around, I want you too. You know that, don't you?"
Sandi said, "Yes, I would like that. James just might go for it too, as I seem to recall how much he enjoyed that kiss at the Cinco de Mayo party. Are you two going to be OK with sharing me with him too if he wants to do that? Because I would be OK with that." She giggled.
My eyes opened wide as I gasped and Mom laughed and said, "If he'll let us all live together, I'm OK with it. Danny, how do you feel about that? Would you be willing to let your Dad be with Sandi if he wanted to? Because I know for a fact that he would jump at the chance to get into my little sister's panties."
At first, I shrugged and didn't say anything. I knew that my dad had really been beyond flexible with sharing Mom with us, but I wasn't really clear on how I felt if the tables were turned and now I would have to share Sandi with him.
At first, I just said, "Wow." Finally, I sighed and said, "Dad has been so great with letting you be with us. It's only fair. I'm OK with it too." Although I said I was OK, I was feeling very unsure nonetheless.
Mom said excitedly, "So now all we have to do is get Sandi a job near home and we can all be together all the time!"
Sandi giggled and said, "Dee, I have to admit it's really starting to sound good. I'll tell you what. When I get to work today I'll talk to my boss and see if I can get any help there. He has a lot of contacts all over the region."
Mom said, "Great! OK, well, I think we need to talk a little about Bethany and what's going to happen on her birthday next weekend since she keeps coming up. The more we set expectations about what is going to happen the better we'll all feel about it, especially Sandi. I think we should keep things as simple as possible to start. And by that I mean that for the first night, we should let her be alone with Dan. And then on Sunday I can come in. If we start out with me there in the beginning, it may be a little overwhelming. I had thought about maybe getting a hotel room but since Mom knows everything now there's no sense in keeping it away from the house."
Sandi nodded and said, "I know it's my jealousy talking, but I'm really hoping that she doesn't fall in love with him. But let's be realistic here. If we couldn't stop that from happening with us, what chance is there that she'll be able to? Especially if we're all living in the same house together at some point. Things could get crazier than they already are. So we need to tell her from the beginning that this is only about fun and sex and she shouldn't expect a real relationship."
I finally thought that I had found the perfect opportunity to speak and said, "As long as everyone's OK with sharing, then it shouldn't be a problem, right?"
They both groaned and Mom said, "No, Danny, it will still be a huge problem if she does fall for you." I immediately felt like an idiot and stayed silent and let them talk.
Sandi said, "I'd really kind of like this birthday arrangement to be a one-time thing if possible. She still needs to find someone who isn't her brother to have a life with. I'm sure she will want to have kids and she sure can't have them with Dan."
I nearly bit my tongue as I tried to not point out that I was planning on having a life with her and ask how it was all that different, and luckily I succeeded in not saying anything. In the back of my mind, I had a feeling that once Bethany and I started having sex, it would never stop, maybe not even if she had a husband and kids. I knew I sure didn't want it to. And I was pretty sure that Bethany felt the same way. At the same time, I absolutely knew that I wouldn't want to make her pregnant. I didn't know if I would ever want kids.
Mom looked at me and asked, "You aren't getting any ideas in your head about falling in love with Bethany and leaving Sandi, are you?"
I said, "No, but..." I paused and figured I might as well just say it, so I said, "I don't think I'll want to stop having sex once we start though. I mean, all this waiting has been hard on me too, you know? But it won't change how I feel about you Sandi." I looked at her and she returned my gaze, but with a hint of concern all the same.
Sandi frowned deeply and finally said, "Well Dee, I can see why you're concerned. I think the only way we can make it through this is to have a good set of rules in place and to not let our petty jealousy get the best of us. I guess Danny is right after all. As long as we're all OK with sharing, everything will be fine. We just have to not let the big green monster control our emotions. And I can already see that they're not going to stop once they get started." She let out a heavy sigh and I could tell she was disappointed.
Mom nodded and said, "Yep. We have to promise each other that if we're having jealous feelings that we speak up and talk about it right away and not let it eat away for days or weeks at a time. That will just lead to hurt feelings. It would be a disaster and probably rip the family apart. I know I've learned my lesson."
I sat there and considered everything they were talking about and was once again struck by just how much smarter they were than I was. When I was younger, I was all too quick to think that my parents were nowhere near as smart as me, but now it was obvious that I was just plain ignorant and arrogant for thinking that.
Mom and Sandi talked for close to another hour. Sandi had to get ready for work and Mom had to head back home. As had now become a bit of a custom, Mom and I had sex alone one last time after Sandi left. It was a very special time for us and further cemented our new relationship as lovers instead of just mother and son.
As Mom was heading out the door, she said, "I'm really sorry for springing all that on you this morning. I hope you're not too upset."
I shook my head and said, "I'm just glad that we were able to get it mostly sorted out. Do you really think Dad will agree to us all living together?"
"I don't know. I know it's a crazy idea. But he's agreed to all of my other crazy schemes up until now since this all started, so I'd say chances are at least fair."
We said our goodbyes and kissed one final time before she disappeared into the distance. I really hoped that this time on the way home that she wouldn't cry.
The night before Bethany's birthday, I was fitfully tossing and turning in bed next to Sandi. Suddenly, my phone buzzed on the nightstand. I picked it up and noticed that the time was 12:09. I had one new text from Bethany. It read, "Hey since its my official birthday the texting ban is off. Cant wait til you get here. B"
I sent back, "Happy bday, beautiful. See you Saturday. xoxo"
Although Bethany's birthday was during the week, the celebration itself wasn't until the following Saturday since we still had to work during the week.
I lay there for almost another hour trying to go back to sleep, but I couldn't stop thinking of Bethany and Mom and how everything seemed so complicated. Finally, I masturbated to try to calm my nerves and finally drifted off sometime past 1:30, although I woke up a few more times during the night. The rest of the week was no different. Saturday couldn't get here soon enough.
The day of Bethany's birthday celebration was pretty uneventful, but for me there was a lot of building anticipation all day. She had invited a few of her friends over to celebrate, and my grandparents were there again as well. It was pretty obvious that everyone was trying to leave me alone. Bethany especially kept her distance, not wanting to give her friends any impression that something was going on other than her birthday. So, for most of the day I just messed around on my laptop. Around 6pm I went for a run and lifted weights out in the garage to try to burn off some of the tension and nervousness, but nothing could take my mind off of what was coming later in the evening. I stood in the shower after I came back in and just let the water spray me in the face for the longest time to try to find calm. The hot water seemed to help a little, but when I was coming back downstairs, Bethany caught my eye for a split second and all the tension came roaring back.
When the last of her friends finally left, it occurred to me suddenly that no one else was around. I remembered that my parents' bedroom door was closed when I got out of the shower, but I hadn't thought anything of it.
As Bethany closed the front door as the last friend left, she turned to me and sighed deeply and said, "Finally."
I stood up and met her as she walked up to me. She held out her hands in front of her and I took them, smiling. I said, "Yes, finally. Where is everybody?"
She made a funny look and said, "You don't know? Mom and Dad went upstairs with Aunt Sandi a while ago, and Grandma and Grandpa went to their room. You're not very observant today, are you?"
I grinned sheepishly and said, "Well, I sorta had something else on my mind." She smiled.
Still holding hands, Bethany pulled herself to me and just lingered there. I could smell the sweet scent of shampoo in her hair as her body pressed into mine. She whispered, "Are you as nervous as I am?"
"Oh, way more, I'm sure."
She giggled and said, "I doubt that. So, how do you want to do this? I was thinking maybe we could just sit down and talk for a while and try to calm down a little. Let's just see where it goes from there. We can pretend it's like a date or something."
I said, "That sounds like a plan. It would probably be awkward times a million to just go from nothing to upstairs in your bed all of a sudden. So how does it feel to be officially and legally an adult now? No different, right?"
"Nope, not a bit."
We sat together on the couch and talked. I got up for a second and turned off all of the lights except for one, and dimmed that one. It almost looked like candlelight.
We reminisced about a lot of things that had happened during our childhood. Road trips and camping trips we'd taken, things like that. She reminded me about all the times we had slept in the same bed together at hotels on our trips and admitted that she had started fantasizing about me from a pretty young age. I was pretty surprised to learn this and I think I disappointed her by telling her that I hadn't felt the same way.