Buffy vs. Dracula

Buffy Summers lay in bed unable to get to sleep. She closed her eyes, opened them. She fidgeted about, closed her eyes again then opened them. She looked at the clock and then looked over to Michael who was asleep next to her. Buffy frowned and then got up.

Buffy ran through a graveyard. She was chasing a vampire. She leapt onto a headstone, tackled the vampire and they fell to the ground. They got up at the same time. Buffy kicked him in the side. He kicked at her but she ducked. Buffy pulled out Mister Pointy and staked the vampire.

Buffy stood panting and looking around.

Michael was still sleeping. Buffy climbed into the bed and snuggled up next to him, closing her eyes.

The next day Buffy and the gang went to the beach. Buffy and Michael were throwing a football to each other. Michael threw the ball to Buffy, and she caught it.

“Ha! Touchdown! Oh yeah. Go team me.” Buffy said and she does a victory dance.

Michael grinned at Buffy. Buffy threw him the ball; he caught it with a frown.

“Anybody ever tell team you the quarterback throws like a girl?” Michael asked and threw the ball back.

Buffy caught the ball, frowning, “I do?”

Michael gave a ‘well, yeah’ shrug.

Buffy frowned, took a grip on the ball and threw it. It hit Michael in the face and he fell down.

Concerned Buffy said, “Ooh, sorry!”

Willow, Tara, Anya and Kaz were lounging on beach blankets while Xander was sitting by a fire pit, trying to light it.

Michael got up and ran at Buffy.

“No, don’t, no…” Buffy shrieked as Michael tackled her.

“I’m exhausted just looking at those two. All the splashing and jumping and running... Shouldn’t relaxing involve less exertion?” Xander asked.

“Absolutely. Exertion can lead to sweatiness.” Anya “Which can cause the pain and heartbreak of stinkiness. Better to just stay put.” Tara added.

“I think we’ve just put our finger on why we’re the sidekicks.” Willow said smiling.

Buffy and Michael approached.

“Game over?” Willow asked.

“Uh, Buffy slayed the football.” Michael said holding up the deflated ball, then tossed it aside.

“Where’s my burger?” Buffy asked.

Xander was still trying to light the fire.

“Yeah, man, I’m starving. Cow me.” Michael said as he and Buffy sat down.

“The, uh, fire’s not cooperating. It’s comforting to know that I lack the culinary finesse of a caveman.” Xander said.

Willow gestured at fire, “Ignis incende.”

The logs burst into flame. Xander fell backward onto his butt in the sand.

“Willow, check you out! Witch-fu.”

Tara smiled at Willow.

“It’s no big. You just have to balance the elements so when you affect one, you don’t wind up causing...”

A huge clap of thunder interrupted as dark clouds appeared out of nowhere and it started to rain. Everyone jumps up shrieking and started frantically gathering up their stuff.

“I didn’t do it! I didn’t do it!” Willow yelled.

They all grabbed their stuff and ran off.

That evening the storm still raged. Outside a castle a truck drove up. Two guys got out and went to the back of the truck, where they removed the tarp and began to pull out a large box.

“Come on, hurry it up, I’m getting soaked.” One guy said.

“I’m trying. Geez, this thing weighs…” the second guy didn’t finish.

They gave a pull and the box fell to the ground, cracking open slightly, leaning at an angle with one end on the ground and the other leaning on the truck. A little dirt leaked out of the cracked corner.

The first guy was annoyed, “Nice. Good job.”

The second guy knelt to check out the broken corner, “Look at this. Guy’s carting dirt around.”

“Leave it. We’ll, we’ll turn it on its side.”

They began trying to right the box.

“Dirt. Man, rich people are…”

A hand burst out of the box and slashed his throat. He screamed and staggered backward; blood came spraying out the wound. He fell to the floor and his blood began to pool on the floor, mixing with the rainwater.

The other guy watches in horror as a body began to burst out of the box.

Inside Giles’ apartment Willow was typing on a computer as Giles looked on.

“There you go. All set.”

“Thank you, Willow. Obstinate bloody machine simply refused to work for me.” Giles said and walked off.

“Just call me the computer whisperer.” Willow said standing up, putting something in the scanner. “Let’s get scannin’. I want to see this puppy go.”

Giles put a pile of old books on her outstretched arms.

“Start with those.” Giles told her.

Willow scowled, “Start? Where is finish?”

“Willow, it’s essential that we begin archiving the library. I mean; most of these texts have no duplicates.”

“But ... now? Doesn’t winter seem more like archiving season?”

Giles looked surprised, “Well, you don’t have to, Willow, I mean, you’re, you’re welcome to leave if, uh...”

“No. It’s fine.” Willow said sitting back down. “It’s just, you’ve been Mr. Project all summer. You know? Labelling the amulets and indexing your diaries.”

Giles gave Willow a little smile.

“I draw the line at making giant rubber band balls. That’s when you’ll just have to get a life.”

Willow opened the scanner and takes out whatever was in it.

Giles cleared his throat, “That’s what I’m trying to do, actually, is, um, get a life.” He sat down.

Willow wasn’t looking at him; she didn’t realize he’d turned serious.

“It might go better if you left the house.”

“Willow, um... you mustn’t repeat what I’m about to say. Especially not to Buffy.”

Willow looks confused and concerned, “Uh-oh.”

“You promise?”

“Oh, God. Well, I guess. Now that I know there’s something to know, I can’t not know, just because I’m afraid somebody’ll know I know, you know?”

“Did that mean yes?” Giles asked not following Willow’s reasoning.

“Yeah.”

“We’re doing all this because I, I want you and the others to have everything you need at your fingertips. You see, I’m, I’m going back to England.”

Willow looked shocked.

“You’re ... what? But you can’t! You’re ... Buffy’s Watcher!”

Giles sighed.

“I mean, in a fired way, but...”

“Well, it’s become quite obvious that Buffy doesn’t need me. I-I don’t say that in a self-pitying way, I’m, I’m quite proud, actually.” He smiled gently.

“But what about the rest of us? We still need to be watched! Personally, I can’t get through a day without a little hairy eyeball.”

Giles laughed softly, “I appreciate the sentiment, but it’s, it’s just not so. You’ll be fine. You all will.” He got up. “And you know, we’ll, we’ll stay in touch. You can always call me whenever you like.”

“When are you gonna tell Buffy?”

“Soon. It won’t be easy, but, um... I know she’ll understand.”

Willow was feeling down, she couldn’t imagine life without Giles. Who would be the British, fatherly figure who was always there to spew out information on the current demon-baddie.

Buffy sat eating dinner with her Mom.

“Thanks, Mom. Everything was yummy.” She put her napkin on the table.

“Hey, you up for dessert? We could, uh, take a drive, get some ice cream.” Joyce suggested.

Buffy stood, “You know, I, I would, but I kinda have to get out on patrol.” Buffy began gathering up the dishes.

“Now? It’s 8:30.” Joyce said a little surprised.

“Well, vamps don’t really care what time it is. You know, dark equals dinner bell.” She begins carrying the dishes to the kitchen.

Joyce stayed seated, “Right, of course.” She looked around at the empty table. “You know, I’m gonna have to get used to this place without you again. It gets so quiet.”

Buffy came back in, “You know, maybe we should make a regular date of this, when school starts.”

Joyce nodded, “Mm.”

“I’m sorry.” Buffy kissed Joyce on cheek. “Duty calls. It’s a total drag.” Buffy left.

Buffy was busy punching a vampire in a cemetery, looking like she was having plenty of fun. She punched him several times and then grabbed his shoulders and kneed him. He got up and she was on his back.

Buffy didn’t notice a cloud of fog, coalescing into a man. It was a man with a pale face.

The vampire threw Buffy down. She got up and charged, ducked a punch, punched and then kicked him.

She tried to kick again but the vampire grabbed her and lifted her over his head, then threw her down. She got up again, and jumped on him with her legs around his neck. He threw her down, as he did she used her legs to flip him over and then stake him.

Buffy stood up looking satisfied, and began to stride away purposefully. She walked between the gravestones and suddenly stopped, she whirled around.

“Very impressive hunt.” Said a man’s voice.

A man was walking forward out of the darkness. He was very thin and pale, had long hair, and spoke with an accent.

“Such power.” He said.

“That was no hunt. That was just another day on the job.” Buffy told him.

The man was wearing a long flowing cloak of black and red. He walked toward Buffy.

“Care to step up for some overtime?” Buffy asked.

“We’re not going to fight.” He replied.

“Do you know what a Slayer is?”

“Do you?” he asked smirking.

Buffy looked intrigued.

“Who are you?” Buffy asked.

“I apologize. I assumed you knew. I am Dracula.” The man said.

Buffy’s eyes widened and she looked delighted.

“Get out!” Buffy said.

Willow and Xander were walking through the darkened graveyard, holding plastic cups of iced coffee.

“Xand ... what if somebody had a secret, and that somebody promised somebody else that they wouldn’t tell anyone?”

Xander nodded, “News flash, Will. Everybody knows.”

“No, thi-this isn’t about me and Tara.”

“Oh.” Xander was a little disappointed. “Well, not that I wouldn’t be all ears if you wanted to tell me a secret about you two. Even if it was very, very naughty.”

Willow grinned, “Sorry, this is of the non-naughty variety. And I’m not telling you.” She nodded firmly.

“Okay. Want to see if Buffy’s hanging around the headstones?

“Sure. So if I was gonna tell you, which I’m not going to....”

“So lemme get this straight. You’re...” Buffy spoke in Dracula’s accent, “ ‘Dracula.’ The guy, the count.”

“I am.” His fangs were visible now.

“And you’re sure this isn’t just some fan boy thing? Cause ... I’ve fought more than a couple of pimply overweight vamps that called themselves Lestat.”

Dracula looked a little annoyed, “You know who I am. As I would now without question that you are Buffy Summers.” He walked toward her, looming over her.

Buffy was surprised, “You’re heard of me?”

“Naturally. You’re known throughout the world.”

Buffy smiled bashfully, “Naw. Really?”

“Why else would I come here? For the sun? I came to meet the renowned ... killer.”

“Yeah, I prefer the term Slayer. You know, killer just sounds so...”

“Naked?” Dracula asked.

“Like I ... paint clowns or something. I’m the good guy, remember?”

“Perhaps, but your power is rooted in darkness. You must feel it.”

Buffy frowned and pondered this for a Moment.

“No. You know what I feel? Bored.”

She lunged at him with her stake. Dracula dissolved into smoke. As Buffy straightened up looking confused, he reappeared behind her. She turned, lunged again. He dissolved into smoke again. Buffy looked around.

“Okay, that’s cheating.” Buffy said.

Xander and Willow walked merrily up to Buffy; unaware that Dracula was about.

“Hey Buff, what’s up? Xander asked.

“You look like you just…” Willow began.

“Get out of here. Now.” Buffy told them sternly.

“Fine, but I was gonna give you a sip of my double-mint mocha, but…”

Dracula appeared behind Xander.

“Behind you.”

Willow and Xander turned and saw Dracula.

“Hi.” Willow said a little surprised.

“Nice. Look who’s got a bad case of dark prince envy.

Behind him Buffy was holding her stake, looking concerned.

“I have no interest in you. Leave us.” Dracula said.

“No, we’re not going to,” then in Dracula’s accent, “ ‘leave you.’ And where’d you get that accent, Sesame Street?” Then Xander pretended to be the Count from Sesame Street. “Vun, two, three – three victims. Mwa ha ha!”

Dracula looked annoyed.

Buffy whispered, “Xander, I’m pretty sure that’s Dracula.”

“Wow, really?” Xander hurried to stand behind Buffy. “Hey, sorry, man, I was ... just jokin’ around.”

“This is not the time.” Dracula locked eyes with Buffy. “I will see you soon.”

He spread his cape out and moved toward them, turning into a bat and flying over their heads as they all ducked and yelled. The bat flew away, squeaking. They straightened up and look around. The bat came back and flies around Buffy’s head. She covers her head with her hands.

“Bat! Ooh, bat!” Buffy said trying not to panic.

The bat squeaked and flies away again.

“And then Buffy’s all, ‘Look out!’ ” Xander was saying excitedly.

The whole gang was in Giles’ apartment.

“And then frigging Dracula’s standing right behind us.”

Xander sat on sofa where Anya and Willow were already sitting.

Buffy, Michael and Kaz were standing around.)

“And then, he lunges at us, like whoosh!” Willow said with hand gestures.

“He totally looked shorter in person.” Xander added.

“I told you he’d heard of me, right? I mean, can you believe that?”

Giles nodded patiently.

“Count Famous heard of me.”

“ I couldn’t believe it the first twenty times you told us, but it’s starting to sink in now.” Michael said.

“I’m sorry. Am I repeat-o-girl? I was just ... blown away.”

“It’s not that surprising that he’s heard of you, Buffy. You are the Slayer.” Michael reasoned.

“I guess. Just - the way he said it, you know, I mean, he made it sound so...”

“Sexy? I bet he made it sound sexy.” Willow said grinning.

Tara came up behind her.

“Kinda. He of the dark penetrating eyes and lilty accent.” Buffy sat down.

“I wonder if he knows Frankenstein.” Xander mused.

Tara sat on the arm of Giles’ couch and gave Willow a glass of soda, “You thought Dracula was sexy?”

“Oh! No. He, he was ... yuck.” Willow reassured her.

“Right, except for the whole tall, dark, and handsome thing? Yucko.” Anya said.

“How would you know?” Xander asked.

“Well, we hung out a few times.” Anya told him and Xander looked jealous. “Back in my demon days, you know, once or twice. He’s pretty cool.” Anya sighed wistfully, then remembered herself. “You know, from, from a whole ... evil thing perspective.”

Xander scoffed, “Please. He was no big whoop.”

“No big whoop??” Willow asked incredulously. “What about that thing where he turned himself into a bat? That was awesome!”

“It must have been, yes.” Giles said, then everyone looked at him. “I must admit, I’m sorry I missed that.”

Willow suddenly realized, “Me too! The whole time I was thinking, ‘Gosh, I wish Giles were here, he’d know what to do!’ ”

Giles smiled tolerantly; he knew what she was trying to do. She was hoping she might be able to convince him not to leave.

Willow spoke to the others, “Didn’t you guys ... think that?”

“Actually, I was more thinking, ‘Bat!’ ” Buffy said wiggling her hand near her head.

“How come he can do that?” Xander asked Giles.

“I, I have no idea. There’s a great deal of myth about Dracula. I imagine the trick to defeating him lies in separating the fact from the fiction.” Giles told them.

“ Great point! That is so Giles, to think of something like that, you know?” Willow said, then to the others. “That, that we ... would have never...” she trailed off.

“So we should take things slow with Dracula. I mean, he said that we would meet again, but I would like to avoid that until we do some serious homework.”

“I don’t know. I mean, Dragula may have a bunch of swell party tricks, but he’s still just a vampire. I say we load up with stakes and crossbows and go after him now.” Michael said.

“Second.” Xander added. “What did you just call him?”

“Errm… oh you mean Dragula?”

“Just ignore him, he just making references to song’s you’ll never have heard.” Kaz said. “He has a habit of doing that. But I third the suggestion.”

“No, Buffy’s right. Dracula’s too slick to fall for the usual stuff.” Anya said.

“So we hold off. No killing until we know exactly what we’re dealing with.” Buffy said.

“You’re not just saying that because of those dark penetrating eyes of his, are you?” Michael asked.

“Noooo, his eyes were…” Buffy got up and went over to Michael. “There were… there was no penetration.” Then embarrassed she said, “Cross my heart.”

“All right. Willow, you and Tara find out everything you can about the actual legend of Vlad the Impaler on the Internet.” Giles said.

“Willow and Tara nodded.

“And, uh, I’ll check the library.”

Everyone started to get up.

“You guys, we’ll reconvene here in the morning.” Buffy said.

Everyone said, “uh-huh,” and left off. Michael pulled Buffy aside.

“What’s your plan?” Michael asked.

“Big sleep. My count encounter wiped me out.” Buffy said.

Michael nodded, “I’m kinda wired. Maybe I should just let you get your rest.”

“You sure? I mean, maybe if you just lie down with me... Buffy gave him a suggestive look.

Michael grinned, “Nothing you are about to say will lead to rest.”

“I guess you’re right. I’ll see you in the morning?”

“Mm-hmm. With donuts.”

“Mm. Heaven.” They smooched. “See? A little sugar and I’m all yours. Dracula Schmacula.”

Anya and Xander walked down a street.

“I doubt he’d remember me. I was just a silly young thing. I mean, like seven hundred or so. But he did say that this guy I cursed was doomed forever, which was really sweet, don’t you think?” Anya said.

“Adorable.” Xander said although he was rather jealous.

“It was a great spell. I made this jerk incredibly fat, like a human minivan.”

They passed the Espresso Pump, on the rooftop of the Espresso Pump, a wolf was growling as it walked along the roof following Anya and Xander.

“You should just mention my name if you see him again.” Anya said.

“Or better yet, why don’t you just go sit on top of a crypt and flaunt your neck cleavage until Dracula shows up? Then you two can talk private.” Xander said, narked.

“Oh please, don’t tell me you’re jealous.”

“Oh no, just because you’re panting over the guy.” He stopped walking.

“I am not panting. Now stop being silly. I’ll see you tomorrow.” She kissed him.

“You don’t wanna come back to my place?”

“It’s whites day, remember? The bleach smell makes me nauseous.” Anya walked off.

“Fine. I suppose Dracula doesn’t use bleach, huh? He’s a darks-only man.”

The wolf was still watching him.

Xander rounded a corner on a dark street. He jumped in shock when he saw Dracula waiting for him.

Xander sighed, “Great. Perfect.” He suddenly decided he wasn’t scared. “You know what? You’re not so big.” He looked Dracula up and down. “One round of old-fashioned fisticuffs, you’d fold like a bitty baby.”

Dracula scowled.

Xander rolled up his sleeves, “Okay, let’s do it. And no poofing. Come on, puffy shirt. Pucker on up, cause you can kiss your pale ass…”

“Silence.” Dracula said.

“Yes master.” Xander said and shook his head. “No, that’s not…”

Dracula made a hand gesture, “You will be my emissary, my eyes and ears in daylight.”

“Your emissary?” Xander asked not understanding the meaning of the word.

“Serve me well. You will be rewarded. I will make you an immortal. A child of darkness that feeds on life itself... on blood.”

In Dracula’s accent Xander said, “Blood?” then speaking very quickly, “Yes! Yes! I will serve you, your excellent spookiness.”

Dracula frowned.

Xander was still speaking too quickly, “Or master. I’ll just stick with master.”

“You are strange and off-putting. Go now.”

Xander nodded, turned to go, then turned back.

“But master, how can I find…”

Dracula had gone.

“Brilliant. What an exit! Guy’s a genius!” Xander giggled crazily and walked off.