- Erotic Poetry
- Copacetic Persuasion
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All I need is the span
of a night the sea
or to see
the waves of you bed
where the sea emerges
hides All I need
is the fire horizontal
the swing of a hip
where the sounds
of a night the sea
transfigure All I need
is to drink a little
music a simple murmur
the flavour of fruit
I long to taste in you
music I long to hear
dripping
from your lips
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- COMMENTS
Senna Jawaover 20 years agoThis poem is getting in the right direction. It's not too far from there. "you bed" is a nice touch. But those last, finer and even not so terribly fine points make a world of difference. The start was poor, flat--indeed, the phrase "All I need is" is prosy (can be used as someone's everydayish voice or something like this, but otherwise it does not belong to poetry). Too bad that this poor phrase (like from a cheap pop song) was selected for a refrain. Refrain can be simple but should be chosen extra carefully. And whenever you meet "is" or "has" or similar, the odds are that you are witnessing poetic impotence.
"Sea emerges" is trite.
In place of generic "little music" one could use something specific, with a higher IQ--one could name a piece of music or a genre. "Nocturn" would be wonderful. (This is an example of a general lack of high standards. The point is that you can't remember about such things and you can't sweat all the time to keep up with them. You need to get such things into your blood stream, you need to do them by reflex. For most of the authors it takes a lot of work, and not many are willing to face the challenge).
"the flavour of fruit" is uninteresting, trite. For this reason it makes the alliteration sound awful, while in general alliteration is a very nice device. One could replace this line with a simpler one:
flower fruit
(and one would still keep the alliteration :-).
Music dripping from lips is horrible, one gets that unpleasant image of someone who had a nerve affected around her/his partially paralised lips, hence s/he cannot help the flow of saliva streaming out the mouth. Images are the bread and butter and everything for poems, but they can be also devoid of any taste or even repulsive. One needs to be sensitive and alert to this issue. (also trite images don't buy you much). Follow your taste and common sense.
And still, despite these naive shortcomings the energy put in this poem payed off; it's, I guess, a pretty good poem after all :-)
Anonymousover 20 years agoout loud several times and liked it more and more each time.
