Counseling Ch. 01byAchtungNight©
Celebs: Erika Christensen, Alicia Witt.
Codes: FF, oral, romance.
Standard disclaimer- This story is a satirical fantasy. It is fictional, even though its plot and characters are based on real events and people. All characters based on real people are fictionalized. All celebrities in the story are impersonated — poorly. I, the author, have no actual connection to any celebrity mentioned in this story other than being their fan, and I acknowledge that they do not act in real life the way my characters based on them do. I did not write this tale for financial profit and I expect none from it. This story contains controversial adult themes and situations, so it should not be read by those who are close-minded or under age 18.
Intro: Hello, readers. This tale is my tribute to celebrities and other people who need to get their minds fixed up, and their lives straightened out. It is a satire, like all my stories. All opinions expressed by the themes are mine. If you disagree, that is your right and I hope you will excuse me. If I am not as familiar with my subjects as I should be, please correct me if you are more knowledgeable. Any mistakes in this story that were not caught by my editor and other advisors are my responsibility.
There are references to other art in the story. The mentions of the nudist camp "The Pines" and its patrons appear with permission from author Nick Scipio. Writer KMB allowed me to include a nod to his "Harem" series (which takes place in a separate but connected universe from my own celebrity fanfiction). I give my thanks to these great artists for letting me plug their writings. I also credit Greg Weisman, John Kovalic and the creators of all the other works mentioned in the text. I don't own any of these people's conceptions and I did not contact any artist other than KMB and Nick Scipio for prior advertising assent. However, all these artisans' labors inspire me. I hope they and their fans will appreciate the ways I have paid them homage here.
In my series timeline, you can consider this tale the bridge between "Passion of Erika Christensen" Chapters 4 and 5. I would call it a "Passion" chapter, but Erika is not the lead of the story. She's just one of many important characters. I also want to do a sweeping summary to bring her into the present. Therefore, I have put this story outside the main "Passion" arc. You can call it "Passion 4.75" ("The Rendezvous" being 4.25 and "Rekindled" being 4.5) if you must. No other text should be required reading, though as usual my other stories are connected to this. "Counseling" is also one of my longer works, so I have broken it into four chapters for reader convenience. I recommend everyone read the chapters in order.
One additional note — the villain in this tale is a character I have tried to introduce before. She can be held in check no longer and my heroes need to face her. People like this woman and her associates exist and are the reason certain celebrities are distrusted by their potential fans. I feel this needs depiction. The villain in question has been retooled for her role. If all goes well, we will be seeing her again for further conflicts. She is a figure whom I believe fits the part I have given her, like all my characters. I'll let the tale itself speak further as to whom she is.
Please let me know if you like or dislike this story. I appreciate any feedback I am sent. I haven't been getting nearly enough feedback of late and would like that to change.
Los Angeles, California. November 28, 2008.
"TMZ; where famous people display their true colors."
"TMZ, the show that tells you everything you need to know about celebrities!"
"TMZ is bringing breaking news that will open your eyes to another world!"
"Oh no," Alicia Witt said, rolling over on the living room couch. She looked directly at the other redhead in the room, who sat in a nearby armchair. "Erika, do you have to watch this?"
"Yes," Erika Christensen replied, crossing her legs and increasing the volume of the TV show's announcers. "Several of my clients are on today."
Alicia threw up her hands. Her pale mandarin features were set in a petulant grimace. "You watch TMZ every day whether people you know are on or not. A while ago, you diagnosed me as a celebrity gossip addict. Are you familiar with the phrase 'Physician, heal thyself'?"
Erika ignored her best friend and upped the television's volume again. In contrast to the tall long-limbed Alicia, Erika was of middle height and voluptuous. Her eyes were deep blue while Alicia's were brown, her skin porcelain instead of pale with a shine beneath. Erika's red hair was straighter and of brighter hue, with blonde roots. Each woman exuded a different sort of sexuality. Alicia was all subtle simmering elegance and dry humor and Erika had a more brazen flare. Both had pretty faces, but Alicia's crimson hair was styled in a shoulder length Dido flip and the younger Erika's was in a long ponytail. Erika was also generally more stable than Alicia was in her emotions.
"TMZ, the show that taught me dating a celebrity is the only way I could ever get to be a celebrity!" a man on the TV endorsed with a laugh.
"Idiot," Alicia spat out. "Do you know how many men have dated me hoping to become a celebrity and failed? Why don't you try exercising your talents instead of mooching off others? Do you even have talents?"
Erika grimaced and amplified the volume further to drown out her friend's complaints. Next time I'll watch TMZ alone in my room instead of out here with my regular houseguest Alicia, she thought. I value her opinions, but I don't value her moods. Maybe next time I should also ask her before I turn on the television in the room where she's resting. "You can go sleep in my bed, Alicia, if you want to."
"No, thanks. I'll stay here." Alicia sat up, crossed her legs and smirked.
"Welcome back to TMZ, your official source for entertainment news! I'm your host, Harvey Levin." A gray-haired lawyer in a blue shirt and red tie beamed at his viewers. "Our first subject today is Lindsay Lohan. You may know this former child star as the lead actress from films such as 'Mean Girls' and 'Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen'. Changes have recently occurred in her life. Our reporter Nadine Holliday has an interview with Lindsay about these events. Nadine?"
A frumpy brunette woman dressed in a tan cardigan and slacks appeared on the screen. "Thank you, Harvey," Nadine said, adjusting her glasses. She turned to a twenty-something girl with freckled skin and obvious dyed blonde hair standing next to her wearing a black skirt and a white "Les Miserables" T-shirt. "I'm here with celebrity Lindsay Lohan. How are you feeling today, Lindsay?"
"Great!" Lindsay said, waving to the viewers. Erika returned her client's smile and waved back as their fellow actress Alicia looked on.
"You've had quite an eventful year so far," Nadine addressed Lindsay, "with three stints in rehab for drug and emotional problems. How do you feel after going through all that?"
Lindsay paused and then answered. "I'm happy. I'm a different person now."
"Why did you get into drugs?"
"I was alone, in spirit if not actually alone, and it seemed like something to do. I did it to myself and now I have to deal with the consequences. I'm thankful for what I can take out of it, though. After all my treatments, I feel clear."
"Clear," Alicia said, smirking. "Interesting choice of word."
Erika frowned at her friend. "She's not using it in the sense you're thinking. Lindsay sought no enlightenment from my church. She brought the idea up and I offered, then Lindsay said she had already been there. She scored so low on the personality tests she never wanted to go back. I told her that was just fine with me."
"She still accepted your counseling?"
"Lindsay sought me out. Just like all my celebrity clients, she needed an analyst who knows where she's been and can connect with her. I was also available and good at my job."
"You had to go to rehab several times this year," Nadine was saying to Lindsay. "First you went for cocaine addiction and then for driving under the influence of alcohol, then a third time to confront your problems again. Why did you keep going back?"
"Well, it took some time to work," Lindsay answered with a shrug. "You have to find the right center and therapists. The third try was the charm."
"That's good. Has your family been supportive of you through this?"
"Very. I love my family."
"What do you think of her family?" Alicia asked Erika.
"They're pretty messed up," Erika replied, tucking a curl of hair behind her ear. "Lindsay's mother thinks it's a good idea to put your relatives on reality shows and her father's a born-again Christian who's been in prison. I had trouble getting along with them at first. After a few sessions, I got them to accept both their daughter's friendship with me and Lindsay's sexuality. They had already gone through a lot of issues with her, so it wasn't that hard."
"You didn't tell me you slept with Lindsay!"
"I haven't yet. I'm waiting for her to make the first move."
"So you're dating a woman these days," Nadine said to Lindsay on the TV. "What's she like?"
"Samantha's great!" Lindsay answered cheerfully. "She's my best friend. I'm pleased I can finally talk about her."
"For viewers who don't know," Nadine said to the audience, "Samantha Ronson is a Los Angeles disc jockey whose claim to fame is being Lindsay's girlfriend. They have been dating the past two years and only recently become open enough to admit their relationship. Lindsay, are you lesbian like Samantha?"
"No," Lindsay said, blanching. "I'm bisexual, I think."
"So you're still dating men too then?"
"Well, not right now, but if I meet the right guy, yeah, I would like to date him."
"Drop this line of questioning," a well-dressed balding man with a mustache stepped into camera view and said. He appeared very frustrated.
"Sorry, Mr. Zelnick," Nadine told Lindsay's publicist.
"Hey!" a voice from off-screen shouted. "Ask her about 'Ugly Betty'!"
Nadine frowned. "Lindsay, until recently, you were on the ABC show 'Ugly Betty'. Then your character got canceled. Why did that happen?"
Lindsay shrugged again. "I don't know. The directors just said my arc was over."
A blond weasel-faced male reporter in a gray suit, the same man who had called out earlier, jumped in front of the camera. "Is it true you and the show's star America Ferrerra had an on-set dildo fight?"
"No!" Lindsay shouted, glowering at the weasel. "You have me mixed up with someone else!"
"Gary," Nadine said calmly, facing down the other journalist, "this is my interview. Please back off."
"My client will answer no further questions from this man," Zelnick said, pointing at Gary.
"You need to convince Lindsay to dump that Zelnick guy," Alicia told Erika. "He's clearly seeking to stage-manage her."
"He's succeeding," Erika said. "This entire interview was Zelnick's idea. He's controlled Lindsay's public appearances for years. I'm trying to get her to see he's a detriment, but it's slow going. They're co-dependent and he has the whole Lohan family as clients. They all have serious ASD."
"Attention Seeking Disorder, also called Histrionic Personality Disorder?" Alicia asked. "You told me I had that."
"Every celebrity has at least a mild case." Two weeks as a licensed psychologist, Erika mused to herself, and I'm already inventing new names for normal mental anxieties. Hooray for me.
"I'm sorry, Mr. Zelnick," Nadine reiterated. "So, Lindsay, do you have any new movies coming out soon?"
"Not till next year. My career's kind of in a slow spiral right now with all these problems I've had to sort through. I do have 'Labor Pains' coming out in the spring or summer, though. I also just released my third music album, 'Spirit in the Dark'." Lindsay held up a CD case.
"Well done. What else is ahead for you?"
"I still need to be in charge of taking care of myself and getting my [bleep] in line and buying a house. I was living at the Chateau for almost two years. Who blows that much money on a hotel? I could have bought a house! I will be buying one soon."
"Great. I have to say, Lindsay, you seem more confident now than you were the last time I interviewed you."
"Well, that was a long time ago."
"It was last month."
Lindsay blinked. "I guess I have to credit my new personal counselor. We hooked up ten days ago. She really gets me."
"Who is this person?"
"Um, I can't say."
"Come on, Lindsay!" Gary yelled. "Tell us! It can't be Samantha! Is it someone else you've shagged? Hilary Duff, maybe?"
"Hilary and I aren't dating anymore!" Face going crimson, Lindsay glared at the weasel and pointed a finger. "Get him out of here!"
"Oh my," Erika said, a hand going to her mouth. "Another reactive Freudian slip. Lindsay and I need to work more on those."
Zelnick stepped in front of Lindsay and waved off Gary and Nadine. "This interview is over."
"I'm very, very sorry, Mr. Zelnick," Nadine said. "Lindsay, I also apologize to you." She began lecturing Gary as the screen changed back to Harvey Levin.
"You should get Lindsay to change back to her natural hair color," Alicia told Erika. "She looks better with red."
"She thinks better too," Erika agreed. "I'm working on it."
"Good luck. I think that girl makes my worst days appear calm on her best days."
"She needs to learn when to keep her mouth shut."
"Next up," Harvey said, "Brangelina. Oscar winners Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are the ultimate Hollywood super-couple. Brad's ex-wife Jennifer Aniston has much to say about them."
The brunette "Friends" actress appeared on the TV. "Brad's a great guy," she told her interviewer. "He's the nicest man in Hollywood. We had a very loving marriage. We still would if we were married today. It was very un-cool how Angelina just stole Brad from me and made the army of babies I never could make with him. I said it to Vogue magazine, now I'm saying it again to you. Brad can condemn me for my words all he wants. This is honestly how I feel."
"Wow," said the interviewer, a middle-aged man with long brown hair and beard who was dressed like a hippie. "So you're over Brad?"
"Completely. I'm dating John Mayer now. He's a far more faithful man."
"He's also more tolerant of her straying and loving other women," Erika told Alicia with a wink.
Alicia returned Erika's grin. "Ah. What's Jennifer like in person? I hear she has several disorders."
"She has a wide range. Just like with Lindsay, the press attention increases Jennifer's neuroses. I started seeing her during my last semester of college. We're dealing with her relationship with her mother, her anxiety over turning forty and having no children, her divorce and many other things. Jennifer is the sort of client that really breaks a young psychologist in."
"You're handling it well."
"Brad and Angelina are great with each other," Jennifer told her interviewer. "They're doing wonderful together. I wish them all the best and I have no lingering ill will towards them. I just want to get my feelings about what happened with Angelina off my case before the world. My therapist told me it was the best way to get over them ... I am over my feelings now. I'm with a new man. Yes, before you ask, we did break up in August, but now we're back together. We just couldn't stay away from each other. I love John and he loves me."
"Congratulations," the hippie said.
"Thank you, Baxter." Jennifer relaxed.
"Is John Mayer as good at sex as he is at singing?" Alicia asked Erika.
"He is," Erika replied, smiling wider, "especially when paired with Jennifer. I'm glad I got them to understand that they both needed each other in their lives."
"That was Baxter Page with 'Traveling' star Jennifer Aniston. We now go to Michelle Williams." A collage of photos appeared on the screen to accompany Harvey's speech. "Two years ago this former 'Dawson's Creek' actress lost her fiancé Heath Ledger to drug abuse. Heath starred as the Joker in the new Batman film 'Dark Knight' and then he passed away of an overdose right after filming. Psychiatrists speculate that the emotion his last role required was too much for Heath. How is Michelle coping? Gary Parker has the story."
Gary the weasel appeared on the screen and walked up to a young blonde woman attended by two hulking bodyguards. She only faced him when he called out her name. "Michelle! Can you tell us how you feel about Heath's death?"
"You guys need to go away!" Michelle growled. The bodyguards stood between her and Gary. "I've told you to stop trying to air my personal problems!"
"Oh, come on, Michelle! The public has a right to know."
"It's my life, loser! Leave me alone!"
"Hmm," Alicia said. "This woman's quite angry."
"Can you blame her?" Erika asked. "The paparazzi followed Michelle and Heath all through their relationship. They broke up in public because they couldn't take the attention. Then Heath got stupid and killed himself with drug addiction, leaving Michelle to raise their child on her own. The media jumps all over it and gets in her face every chance they have. They think every famous person's life is their business." Michelle echoed Erika's words as she continued to rant live at Gary on the TV.
"You know, I thought Heath did great as the Joker," Alicia said. "It was a terrific swan song."
"I agree," Erika replied. "It wasn't worth dying for, though. Heath had a gift to give the world. He should have found a better way of dealing with the angst that came along with it." The artificial redhead shook her head. "I wish Michelle was my client. I'm sure she must be going through pain. She won't speak with anyone about it."
"Have you contacted her?"
"I sent her an e-mail but so far she hasn't written back. My plate's full with other people anyway. I would help Michelle, though, if she called."
"Breaking super-couple news!" Harvey bellowed when he came back on the TV. "Madonna makes another slam at her former husband Guy Ritchie!"
Alicia looked at Erika. "This one was a failure for you, right?"
"Yeah," Erika said. "You can't credit me for it, though. Madonna's divorce wasn't my fault. You know as well as I how hard the Queen of Pop is to get along with. I couldn't help her get over her pre- and post-divorce anxieties. I tried telling her carefully that it was because of her overexerted narcissism and unwillingness to admit she had problems, but she paid little attention."
"Maybe if you were a Kabbalist..."
"I tried making sense of that religion. I got the gist of it. That wasn't enough for Madonna. Combined with all her other issues, that was too much for me. I had to tell Madonna goodbye. I got something out of seeing her, though."
Alicia's frown reversed. "I'm sure you did. Was it a lot of money?"
"Yep. I didn't ask for any, but then she threw a check at me when she walked out. I donated what I didn't need to charity, as usual."
"Same as your celebrity earnings, hmm? Good."
"Will Smith and Jada Pinkett," Harvey went on. "Is this pair of married actors headed for separation? Find out after our commercial break."
"Are they headed for separation?" Alicia asked Erika.
"No," Erika said, muting the television. "At least, they aren't now. They needed a reminder about respecting boundaries and communicating after eleven years of marriage. It was very easy for me to give them that. They're as close as John and Jennifer are and I didn't have to sleep with them to get through their initial barriers. Will taught me some new chess moves, too. I'm ready to challenge you again."
"You'll still never beat me," Alicia told her friend with a laugh. "Do you think I'll ever be on TMZ?"