I am a coward and I admit it. I am taking the easy way out, leaving you this letter while you are working hard to provide for your family. I am lower than low and I know this. I am weak and spineless and it is because of this that I have gone this route --- I know if I had to face you and tell you goodbye, I wouldn't be able to do it. Not because I want to stay but because I would listen to your pleas and your promises to change and I would give in because it is my nature to give and give and give.
Rarely do I take.
I need to take now though. I need to take a moment and reflect on my life and my future. It has been a long time coming.
I want you to know that I do love you and yes, I know those words sound empty and you are sitting there doubting them. But it is true. I do. I just can't pretend the love I feel for you now is the love I need to feel in my heart in order to continue living a full and happy life. What I feel for you is strong, you are the father of my children and you have worked so hard to take care of our kids and me. You've allowed me the opportunity to be a mother to our kids. For that I will be forever grateful.
You're probably wondering, why now, after we worked hard to fix what was wrong?
Honestly, I need you to read these words and listen to them as if I were speaking to you. My voice is low, the words soft and they are coming from the depths of my soul. Did we fix things or did we put a band-aid over the wound?
Remember when we "almost" separated? We spoke about seeing a counselor. You admitted that you hadn't done a lot in trying to help "us" and you said you would find one for us to see. Immediately you said our church Pastor and I balked at that. I did not want to go to him. Why? I didn't see that as you really putting forth the effort to find us someone who would be neutral. As much as I love our Pastor -- he would not be neutral; he can't be.
So, you agreed to find someone else. I called our Insurance and received a book of Doctors that were in our Network. You were to look through and choose a handful for us to learn more about. You didn't do this. Time slipped by and I did it -- for us. I gave you three names and asked you to research them. You agreed. Time slipped by and I did it -- for us. I found one and handed you the number and asked you to make the appointment. You agreed. Time slipped by and I did not do it -- for you and I guess for me either. I think I saw it then -- that for all the trying "this" wasn't going to work.
But I stayed put and I saw you start to change while I too worked to change. I gave up a lot of things so I could focus on us. You took up a few things. As the days turned to weeks and the weeks to months I saw the things I gave up were still gone, but the things you picked up -- interests and discoveries that I found enjoyable with you --- you didn't really enjoy -- so they slowly began to become non-existent. What I liked was once again no longer important unless YOU felt something for them. Then I was expected to accept your sudden interest and go with it. I am tired of accepting things to appease you.
I'm tired of hiding who I am from you and I am tired of the times I do try to show you the sexual side of me I am looked upon with disgust and shame. You still push my hands away from my own body -- why is that? Why can't I pinch my own nipple, or caress my own clit? I don't get why that bothers you so much. Why deny me use of my own body? And shame me when I am "caught"? Why when you are "done" and I am not, do you stop? Why can you not find a way to help me reach my climax? Why roll away and leave me empty? It's not fair and your excuse "it's my job" --- well, dear if it was your job -- why did you quit before it was finished?
The kids --- I won't begin to imagine how they are going to feel and they are going to hate me, much like you are right now. I hope in time they will forgive me and they will allow me back into their lives. They are my world and I have given up so much for them and would give my life for them if necessary and I know that I will continue to give up things for them, but I can't give up the chance to live a life that has been barred from me by my own actions, and by yours.
I am giving this note to you now because the kids are gone. Our son, the baby of the nest, he's now settled very well into his life as a College Freshman and I want us to find a time to bring all three kids together and talk to them as a family -- we are still a family, even though right now you don't see that.
I won't ask for much from you. You were the one that worked all our marriage -- you had the paying job and you kept a roof over our head. The bank account is yours. The money in it yours, I have my own. Sadly the coward in me hoarded what I could of my paycheck. But as you know, I made sure that the house, the home, the kids never suffered by my keeping a few dollars back. I never placed my financial desires above their needs.
Even as I close this letter, I feel selfish and cruel and so unlike the woman I have worked so hard to become -- the dependable giver and friend, stable and secure daughter, the always there wife and bed partner. But I'm not that woman anymore and I haven't been for a long time. I am so much more than you have allowed me to be and so much more than I have allowed myself to be.
A text to your phone will let you know I didn't get in a wreck or anything, so know that I am safe. I will contact you in a few days. My parents --- they know I have gone, but I have not told them where I am at. So other than calling them to ask questions, they can't tell you anything more than what I have chosen to tell you here.
We'll talk soon,