Dear New MemberbySunrockSin©
Dear New Member,
I wanted to take a moment and thank you for your transfer into our church. I received your insightful letter, your membership transfer application and your check. Please let me take this opportunity to advise you that the church approved your application and welcomes you to our fold.
I do appreciate your candid letter outlining the reasons you made the change to our church. While I would like to believe it is my sermons or preaching that draw all of our members but I do understand that a person's beliefs, comfort level and person feelings all come together when they consider a place of worship. I will endeavor to make my sermons as interesting and pertinent as I can for you.
My beautiful wife, as you well know, does help me in expressing the great joy of our church and often becomes the inspiration of many members. She openly discusses each and every meeting she has with new members, describing all that happens to me in great detail. I will often then minister to her in the same method she ministered with the new members, often with very satisfying results.
Please understand that, as a new member, the private meetings with my wife will not be available to you (she only meets with prospective members), but we still are committed to maintaining your full emotional and physical connection with you. In that light I want you to feel free to avail yourself of our many Associate Pastors who are available for very private ministering.
Depending upon your preferences, we offer a wide variety of Associate Pastors, each with their own special abilities ranging from Allison, who has considerable expertise in oral ministering, giving and receiving, to Verna, who can help you dispatch your more dark and backward demons. And yes we do understand those demons, why I just recently exorcised some very anal demons with some deeply penetrating ministering with Verna. Of course any of these special ministering sessions will require some minor contribution which you can negotiate with the specific minister.
The church also offers several support groups, if more wide ranging and dynamic ministering is needed. Being a very progressive church we have men's groups, women's groups and mixed groups once again depending upon your specific tastes. If you are interested in group support, please let me know and I can sent you some more information along with our fee structure.
I want you to understand that our progressive nature encourages a very strict abstinence program with the youth of our church. We feel this helps maintain the strong value system that is the foundation of the church. Once the youth reach the age of eighteen, they are quickly worked into our young adults group to further their support in the church.
Somewhat in line with the young adult groups, we do offer some unique opportunity for the more mature adults with the ability to afford a more grandiose fee structure. For this more grandiose contribution, the mature adult will have an opportunity to help introduce a young adult member into our private ministering sessions. This allows the younger members to learn from a more experienced church member, while the mature member can once again see the wonderment of a virginal experience during their ministering.
Yes, I must admit I had the opportunity to minister to one of our young adults, an attractive young nineteen year old woman. Before breaking her into the more penetrating ideals of my ministering, I orally communicated with her, letting my tongue dip into the pure waters between her thighs. She moaned with delight as I flicked my tongue in a silent sermon and then when I quickly moved to press her deeply with my faith, she only whimpered slightly.
After I finished anointing inside her, I carefully withdrew, whispering my faithful doctrine to her. Wiping the bit of blood from my instrument of ministry, we finished our session as I counseled her on how she could continue to contribute to the church by becoming an Associate Pastor. I then paid her the small stipend I give our young adult volunteers as an enticement to aspire to Associate Pastor and we parted, each well satisfied.
So, as you see, depending upon your level of commitment to our church, this church can offer a wide range of benefits that you most likely won't find available to you in any church like ours. And don't forget, all stipends, fees and other payments for our ministering is completely tax deductable.
Once again, I happily welcome you to our church and hope you find all the satisfaction our ministering can provide for you. And please, if you have any special abilities, enormities, or other features that might interest members, please contact me about perhaps becoming an Associate Pastor.
Pastor Jonathan P. Enis