Isn't it funny how one little incident can change your life forever? Sometimes you don't recognize it, and you just go on about your busy life without noticing that your universe has been knocked out of its orbit. When I found the hoard of pornography hidden behind my son, Brad's desk, I was surprised only because I wasn't expecting to find it. A little part of me was disappointed in him of course but I quickly got over that. He's 18, I told myself, and I'm not so naïve that I don't know that young men looked at porn. It was just the nature of the pornography that really threw me. All the magazines contained only stories about incest!
I've been divorced from Brad's father for four years and they have not been the easiest of times for the two of us. I have absolutely no contact with anyone on my Ex-husbands side of the family and my parents were divorced when I was five. My mother died years ago and I haven't seen my father since I was 14. I was told he had remarried and lived on the west coast. Brad of course has never even met his grandfather so he has missed the support that an extended family could bring when times were tough. My fears that Brad would not cope well with our divorce pretty much came true. He was acting up and acted out for years before our divorce was finalized and it didn't get any better after his father and I separated. He was constantly getting into trouble at school. If it wasn't drinking, it was drugs or girls or other mischief.
We had both been to counseling and that helped. Over the last half year or so, since Brad graduated from high school this past June, I had seen my son gradually change from an angry young boy to the well-behaved and responsible young man that any mother would be proud of. Despite his problems at school, he had graduated, but just barley and had been forced to take summer courses to get his grades up so he could at least apply to the local community college this fall. When I saw how hard he worked at his summer school classes I figured our life together had changed for the best. Finding his stash of these disturbing incest magazines brought those good feelings to a screeching halt.
During counseling, we had both learned how to effectively communicate with each other without yelling or judging each other. I struggled to remember those skills as I looked at what I had found in his room. I thought maybe I had become too much of a friend and not enough of a mother to him. I worried I had failed him in some way; why else would he have this type of porn? What was going through his head, I wondered, when it came to his obvious interest in incest. I might have accepted mainstream porn, men's magazines with pictures of women and such and accepted that as a fact of life that all boys enjoy looking at naked women. I don't approve of that but I wouldn't have been so surprised or confused by his choice of pornography.
What drew my son to incest, I wondered. I'm no prude. I have my own brand of erotica that I enjoy reading. I read summer love novels and fantasize about the male hunks that all women love to dream about. At 43, I consider myself to have a normal and healthy appreciation for sex and considerer masturbation normal and healthy. I've dated little since my divorce and when I have, I've chosen my partners carefully. I put raising my son above my own needs. Now I was worried that I had failed him in some way.
I knew I needed to talk to him about what I found. Doing nothing or worse, condemning him for his interest in incest would only pull us apart again. I was determined to use the tools I had learned in counseling. I was going to sit him down and talk to him about it. I left all but one of his incest magazines on top of his desk. The other one I took with me to the kitchen and sat down and looked through it to see if I could understand his fascination with this subject. There were very few pictures and only a few dirty cartoons scattered thought out the magazine. The bulk of the magazine consisted of stories about families having sex together. As I thumbed through the pages I thought about what incest was; having sex with a family member. It had such a dirty and forbidden connotation in our society, and certainly nothing my son had ever been exposed to. I had kissed a few male cousins, had adolescent crushes that really seemed to be more fun than incest.
The magazine was divided up into different sections, each one involving family sex. There were chapters on siblings having sex together, aunts and uncles with nephews and niece's, cousins, grandparents (that was really weird), whole families and parents fucking sons and daughters. I had no idea if my son was more interested in one group of stories over another, except for one dog-eared page in the parent/children's section. This section told about son's having sex with their mother's, and daughters having sex with their fathers, and seemed to have been read been more thoroughly than the others. It made me wonder if my son had thoughts about having sex with me. I couldn't recall one instance of inappropriate behavior on his part towards me but I knew I would have to reexamine our home life.
I was determined to find out what the fascination was for my son about incest so I read all six stories in the chapter about parents having sex with their children. Sometimes the children were quite young but most of the time they were teenagers. They weren't very well written but I had to admit they were stimulating. Rough and coarse words such as cunt, fuck, pussy, tits, cock and dick seemed to be favorite ways to describe male and female body parts and love making. Even so, I found myself more than a little flushed and excited by the time I had finished the last story. I continued to read more from the other chapters. Other than the stories about whole families having sex together, I wasn't particularly interested in reading more. I tried to imagine Brad reading about a mother and son having sex and getting turned on by that. I wondered again if he thought about me that way or was it just harmless fantasy. It made me a little uncomfortable because I felt I should feel disgusted by such an idea... but disturbingly I wasn't.
It was still almost an hour before Brad was due home so I got another magazine from his collection and read that one too. I like getting turned on, what woman doesn't? But I surprised myself by how turned on I got as I read. With more than a fair amount of guilt, I unzipped my slacks and slipped my hand over my panties and masturbated as I read. I wasn't reading with my son in mind, it's just that the stories were beginning to excite me in their own dirty little way. I justified these feelings and my masturbating as normal carnal desires. I was definitely enjoying myself by the time I finished the second book. I had started out just rubbing my pussy over my underwear but by the end of the second book, my slacks and my panties were down around my ankles. I was enjoying myself as I lightly touched my clit and fingering myself as I read about a father and daughter fucking. The son and mother eventually became involved and the story ended with the parent's having sex with both children. I had one fantastic orgasm and was working on a second one when I heard Brad at the front door.
"Hi mom, I've got the mail," I heard my son call out as he came in.
"I'm in the kitchen honey," I told him as I quickly withdrew my hand from my pussy and scrambled to pull my slacks up. I just barely made it. I slipped the magazine onto the chair beside me. I knew my face was probably flushed from masturbating and I consciously tried to get my heart to slow down before Brad saw me. "Would you come in here honey?" I didn't want him going to his room and seeing his collection of magazines on his desk until I had talked to him.
"Hi mom," my son greeted me with a kiss on the cheek before he threw the mail onto the table; he didn't seem to notice how agitated I was. "Looks like that one's from dad's attorney," he said, pointing to a letter. He didn't try to hide the contempt in his voice. "Probably wants more money," He commented sarcastically.
I subtly checked my zipper and the buttons on my blouse to make sure everything was in place. "Honey, I thought we agreed you wouldn't talk that way about your father. He loves you and my problems with him have nothing to do with you." I reminded him, careful not to feed his anger for his father. "Your dad loves you very much," I said by rote. It had been almost six months since his father had even called.
"He's a jerk mom and you know it. Go ahead and open it. I bet I'm right. He wants more money from you." He said as he went to the refrigerator and got himself a soda.
"Shit," I said under my breath as I read the letter. Brad was right; it was from my ex's attorney. In lawyer speak, it was always addressed to me by my full name, Mrs. Angela Hunt and it went on to say that my ex-husband was requesting a hearing so he could get more money from me. I still kick myself for not having the prenuptial agreement my lawyer suggested before I married. I was the one with the successful business and my ex was trying to bleed me dry. I hated it as much as Brad did but I promised Brad's father that I wouldn't badmouth him in front of his son.
"Was I right? Dad wants more money for his cheap girlfriends, doesn't he? He's such a looser mom." Brad said as he slumped in the chair across from me. "Don't give him another dime." Brad was wearing silk jogging shorts and a well-worn t-shirt. His muscular arms and chest heaved as he stewed about his father.
He was right but he and I had other things to talk about. "Honey, we have more important things to talk about than your dad." I put the letter back in the envelope and worked up the courage to talk about his incest magazines.
"Important? What Mom?" Brad fumed, his anger still focused on his father's letter.
"This honey." I picked up the magazine from the chair beside me and slide it across the table to him. "I was cleaning in your room and accidentally came across your collection." I tried not to make it sound like I was being judgmental. His interest in incest was what I wanted to talk to him about. I wanted him to know I knew about them and that as his mother and friend, we needed to talk about them.
"Oh shit," he said muttered, embarrassed, as he stared at the front cover of the magazine. The title, "Family Fun, stories of loving families," stared up at him. An innocent looking young girl was being screwed by an older man was on the cover to the magazine. The look of joy on the girls face told its own story.
I stifled my laugh at his reaction. "Yes, oh shit is probably what I would have said too," I said and covered my face so he wouldn't see me trying to suppress a smile. His reaction really was funny and I actually felt sorry for him. "I'm sorry honey, I wasn't snooping," I told him when I was able to be serious again. "I accidentally knocked some things off the back of your desk and when I moved it to retrieve them, I found your magazines." I wasn't apologizing for finding them but I wanted him to know I knew about them and wanted to talk about them.
Brad looked crushed as he sat across from me. "I'm sorry mom... I, ah I won't... " He left his words hanging in the air.
"Honey, you're18 almost grown up and you really don't need to apologize to me for what you read. It's not as if these are illegal... " I reached over and turned the magazine so it was facing me. "I know boys... young men your age," and women my age I silently thought, "look at adult magazines and pictures and read lots of different things." I started to loose track of what I wanted to say as my mind drifted back to the story of the mother and son I had just been masturbating over. I was having difficulty focusing, especially since my pussy had been denied its second orgasm. "I'm not saying it's wrong, I... I, well I just wonder if I should be concerned about the content and that you have so many of these magazines."
"I don't have that many," he defensively said.
"Honey, you have a dozen or so and they are all about the same subject; incest." I corrected him. "I think that qualifies as a lot."
Brad got more defensive. "So what? I like reading porn," He bluntly stated but averted my eyes.
To break the ice before this got out of hand, I chuckled lightly. "I kind of figured that out." I didn't want him thinking he had to defend himself but I wanted him to tell me about his interest. "This isn't just porn honey," I held up the magazine. "It's incest." I looked at the cover and smiled inwardly as I recalled reading it only a few minutes ago.
Brad looked sheepishly up at me, hoping it was ok if he smiled since I had made a little joke. "I'm sorry mom."
"I know you are baby, but you don't have to be and I think what you really mean is that you're sorry I found them." I couldn't help but smirk at my own humor. "Well I did find them, and now I think we need to talk about them.
"What's there to talk about mom? I like this kind of stuff and I read it. What more do you want me to say?" He was getting defensive again and refused to look at me. I didn't want him to shut down on me.
"Brad honey, I know talking about sex with your mother isn't the easiest thing in the world but it isn't easy for me either. I'm just wondering, since it's out in the open now, if you want to talk about it with me. All those months in therapy together gave us the tools to use when we need to talk, let's use them, ok?" I was throwing him a lifeline and hoped he took it.
Slowly Brad opened up to me. "It's not really a big deal mom. I just like reading about that kind of stuff." He started. "It excites me." Redness crept up his neck.
"By stuff you, of course, mean incest." I was going to insist he call it what it was.
Brad let out a big sigh and nodded. "Ok, yes mom, I like reading and thinking about incest." This time he looked up and met my eyes. "I get turned on by reading it," he told me.
I couldn't help but notice how flushed his neck and face were, and as charming as I found that, I wasn't going to let him stop talking about his interest in incest yet. "Now that wasn't so difficult was it," I smiled and playfully kicked him under the table. A perverse pleasure swept over me at hearing him tell me how it turned him on. It turned me on too. The dampness between my legs was proof enough that I also found reading incest exciting.
"Yes it was." He said a little sarcastically, but he still managed a little grin. He was feeling a little better now that he knew I wasn't mad or disgusted with him.
I laughed and so did he. "I guess it was." I smiled and touched his hand. "Honey, it's just that incest is so... well it's not like other pornography where you look at pictures of women or read stories about things and then think about them and... masturbate." I knew referring to masturbation wouldn't embarrass him since we'd talked about how normal it was for anyone to do. "But this is about family members having sex together and I guess I need to know if... if you just enjoyed reading about it or if there was more... " The air in the kitchen grew heavy as I waited for Brad to answer. I had to know if he thought about having sex with me.
Brad took his time answering and when he finally did, he ignored my pointed question but at least kept talking. "I guess that's why I like reading about it mom, because it is family and it's so totally wrong but at the same time its exciting and... and I like jerking off when I read it."
I couldn't help but laugh. ""Thank you for being so graphic. Well we really have come a long way for you to admit mastur... jerking off, as you call it. You know I think that's healthy... to talk about it." I almost laughed again. I really wanted to know if he thought about me when he jerked off. I hesitantly asked. "Do you think about... me when you ah... when you jerk off?"
Brad's eyes were fixed on the table when he answered. "Yes."
A sexual rush gripped my pussy when he admitted that. "I see," I said as I tried to control my emotions. Why did that excite me so much? "Well, I guess I should be flattered." I said and brushed my long brown hair out of my eyes. "I actually took the time to read a few of the stories to get an idea what they were all about." I wanted him to know I had read what he masturbated to.
"And?" Brad said looking slyly at me.
"And what?" I asked, suddenly feeling the tables were being turned on me a little.
"And did you like them?" He asked smugly.
"I wish now that I hadn't reminded you about your coping skills," I said and felt myself blush. I had enjoyed them but I knew I couldn't tell him that.
"You're not answering the question Mom. You're avoiding. Did you like them?" He asked seriously. He was enjoying the fact that he had deflected some of the heat from himself and sent it back to me.
"This isn't about what I like or don't like. We're talking about you. I read them to see what they were about and what about them turned you on... " I tried my best not to think about him thinking about me and masturbating as he read them.
"And did you find out mom?"
"Stop it. I'm the one that's asking the questions," I covered my mouth so he wouldn't see me stifling a smile but he was too perceptive. Mischief danced in his eyes.
"You're avoiding the question again Mom," Brad pointed out as he pushed me more than I was comfortable with.
"I'm not answering that because this is about you and your interest in incest... " I stared him down and was pleased when I made him break eye contact with me. "But I will tell you what I thought about them if you want," I squeezed my legs together to control the rush surging through my pussy. "They aren't very well written but I can understand why the stories,... why you like them." I admitted. I sat there with a straight face. I was determined not to smile or laugh.
"See, now that wasn't so difficult was it?" He laughed; knowing he had backed me into a corner. He got me to admit I enjoyed them. When Brad stood, I couldn't help but notice how his shorts had crept up around his crotch. He had what looked like the start of a hard-on and seeing it made my mouth dry.
He was exasperating but I loved him for being himself. "Look honey," I said when I felt I had gained my composure again. "You can read them all you want. I won't tell you you can't, that would be silly," I admitted. "And now that I know you have them, it would be silly of you to have to hide them." I hadn't expected this conversation to go this way but since it had I decided to press on. For reasons of its own, my pussy was starting to tingle and it was getting impossible to ignore. Something in me loved knowing he fantasized about me when he read them. "Since you said you think about us having sex, I guess you like the chapters on parents and children?" I had to press my legs even tighter together and as I tried to suppress another bolt of sexual excitement. I wanted to hear him tell me again how he thought of me when he masturbated.
Brad tilted his head back and finished his soda and delayed answering for a moment. When he did, it was all I could do not to reach between my legs and touch myself. "I like the ones about mother's and sons and whole families." He fidgeted with the magazine, nervously spinning it on the table in front of us. "I like thinking about you and me doing it mom. Does that upset you?" He suddenly seemed very confident of himself.
"Oh," I said softly under my breath. "Yes... I mean no, it doesn't upset me or... worry me as much as it did a few minutes ago." My voice trailed off as I thought about that. I wasn't upset; on the contrary, I actually felt very excited. I watched him play with the magazine and I lost myself in thought as I reminded myself why I was so damp between my legs. I hadn't had time to dry myself off after masturbating and I could feel my secretions soaking through my panties. I turned my head so I wouldn't have to look him in the eyes when I mentioned that text books had been written about this subject, "They say it's normal for sons to think about making love to their mothers." I didn't know much more than that but I felt it was important to mention. My pussy contracted and it took all my will power to hold myself still as I visualized making love with my son... committing incest with him.