Drinking With The Devil

Oh Hi there! Sit down sit down.

Hey bartender! Bring me another beer, and get this gent another round of whatever he's drinking.

So what's your name?

Hi Jack. My name is Lucifer.

No not like the devil. I AM the devil.

Naw, I ain't nuts. I just got a bad rap from the other side.

Hmm? Well I guess I am evil by their narrow standards. But what the Hell, they get bent out of shape anytime they think that someone else may be having fun somewhere.

Heh, heh, yeah, they go batshit when a guy looks at a pretty gal and notices that she is actually good lookin'. And if a guy actually gets laid, they about have a cow. Buncha spoilsports they are.

Hellfire and eternal agony? Pure propoganda, that's all. Hell ain't too pretty sometimes. But it beats harp music and psalm singing 24/7/365. I mean being up there is like being in church 24 hours a day for eternity. Ya can't scratch, ya can't screw, ya can't even fart. BORING!!

Yep, we do get a lot of lawyers down there. Politicians too. However we get all the other interesting folks down there as well. Hookers, pirates, movie stars ... you know, the interesting people.

No, I got nothin’ against doing good works. Actually, living an upright life is a great idea, as long as you ain't a fanatic about it.

I mean, what is wrong with a good piece of ass or a good stiff drink when ya need one?

The Opposition thinks that everyone should live like nuns and monks. No nookie and praying all the time. Who needs that?

What? No, no, I get the blame for a lot of stuff I got no control over. Crime, disease, death, war... Those are all part of human nature. YOu have HIM to thank for all that crap.

His name? Some call him Jehova, Some call Him Yaweh, Some call him Allah. I call him a hypocritical pain in the ass.

“Bartender, another round here please, and keep 'em comin'!”

Now where was I? Oh yeah.

And guess who gets the blame for all this terrorism shit going down all over the world.

Me that’s who.

And it just ain’t fair.

After all, it ain’t MY name these yahoos are screaming as they blow themselves up and go around killing people left and right.

Demons? Nah, All a demon is, is just an angel on a different assignment.

Lemme tell you, some of those so-called ‘Archangels’ are just champing at the bit to get the prime assignments as Incubi and Succubi.

Heh, and that joker Gabriel is just itching and pleading for the chance to do his Louis Armstrong imitation on that damn horn of his.

Witches making deals with me for their powers? Not as often as they make out. Most of them just want to get laid, but they are too damn ugly and old for them to seduce a mortal man. Hell, not even I could get it up for those old hags. Most of the time they ended up using their candle, or broomsticks, or sometimes even a poor old goat that they thought symbolized me.

The rest are just deluded teenyboppers. Who needs a statutory rape charge?

And the church! They co-opted older religions and converted the elder gods into demons. What a crock!

Jesus? Yeah, he was real.

Yep, he was the son of the hypocrite upstairs.

He condemns Zeus for screwing mortal chicks, then what does HE do? HE rapes a Jewish virgin and messes with her mind and marriage„ Then he allows his kid to be offed by the Romans and his "chosen" people. A piss poor way to treat your own kid if you ask me.

Yup, I have a few kids. Mostly daughters, and a son or two here and there over the centuries. All of MY kids though, lived full and happy lives and died in bed.

Possession? Naw, that is just a lazy and superstitious church belief dating from before the days of Thorazine. I got enough trouble just running MY body, much less someone else’s.

Yep, I still make an occasional deal with someone to fulfill their fondest dreams in exchange for a lien on their soul.

You want to make a deal? Sure, I have a contract right here. I always carry * one or two around.

No, No, Signing in blood is just a superstition. Just sign with your regular pen.

OK let's see here. You want to be the most sought after lover in the US within a year. I can arrange that.

Have another drink on me Jack. I'll see you downstairs.

* Lucifer vanishes *

(Bartender)

Hi buddy, here's your drink. Say, what did Old Nick try to sell you tonight? Yeah I know who and what he is.

Well, I hope you didn't buy anything from him. They don't call him the Father Of Lies for nothin1 ya know.

Hey pal, You OK? Suddenly you don't look so hot...