tagHumor & SatireEvery Girl Needs...

Every Girl Needs...


Authors note: Before reading the following piece of blarney, please be sure to insert tongue firmly in cheek and be aware that the author does not condone extra marital relationships in real life.

* * *

Whilst it could be argued that there are many crucial accessories necessary in a modern girl's life, a 'Sugar Daddy' might not be the first one to pop into most people's heads. This highly useful accessory is often sadly overlooked, much to the detriment of poor harassed single women around the globe. Lets face it, any girl can quite easily find a boyfriend (or three) should she bother to look hard enough, but a 'boyfriend' has limited usefulness in the grander scheme of things and it is important to think outside the square when it comes to long-term happiness.

It is far more satisfying having a Sugar Daddy who is married or otherwise attached. I expect at this point you are reading this with a sceptical gleam in your cynical 'ol eye. Well let me persuade you of the less obvious attractions to this mutually beneficial arrangement...

An old fashioned 'boyfriend' can be a very emotionally draining experience. They have an annoying tendency to demand fidelity, when half the time they don't practice what they preach. They also expect you to be there when it is convenient for them; on hand to dish out the snacks/beer during the World Cup Footy Tournament. How much fun does that sound? Oh yeah, and add endless washing of socks and footy kit once you move in to his bachelor pad...

Welcome to the seventh circle of Hell my dear!

I rest my case.

Okay, now we have established that the ubiquitous boyfriend is a waste of time, we can discuss the reasons why a Sugar Daddy is far more fun to have around, as well how to acquire this wonderful piece of kit...err...man.

First things first...

The most important requirement is a lover who is married or otherwise attached. This may seem problematic, but in fact it is relatively easy to acquire one of these. The hard part is actually getting some eligible men to admit to their marital status. Unsurprisingly, they are so used to pretending that they are single in order to get laid, persuading them that you really don't give a damn can take some time.

The main trick is finding the right man for your needs. Unfortunately, not just any man will do! It is fairly pointless in pursuing a relationship with a married man who has nothing to offer you BUT sex once a month. After all, where is the fun in that? You could find that anywhere should you bother to look hard enough.

Oh no, the real advantages of having a Sugar Daddy lie elsewhere and they could be described as the 'fringe benefits' to the relationship.

The ideal man...

If you are going to devote your time selflessly making a miserable rich guy happier with his lot in life, then you really need recompensing for your time and effort. I am not suggesting you charge per hour -- that would make you a prostitute, which is morally unacceptable.

No, what I mean is that you need to feel cherished and appreciated for all the effort you are going to expend in to making his life more agreeable.

Every woman likes presents. That's a given. The best way for a man to show his everlasting appreciation for that wonderful and mind-blowing sex you provide him, is to buy you nice gifts and take you on luxurious holidays regularly.

This means of course, that your ideal man should be comfortably able to provide these kinds of fringe benefits. It is always worth checking his financial status before you commit yourself to anything long-term. There is very little point in finding yourself attached to a man who is not only married, but who is also about to declare bankruptcy. You may well find yourself supporting him, rather than the other way round and that is hardly the point is it?

How do you judge a man's ability to provide for you?

Well, this is a tough one. Unless you have 'relations' with his Accountant and Bank Manager too, you are unlikely to be privy to any financial information early enough to make a sound judgement about whether to pursue the relationship. You just have to listen to your gut instincts.

If he drives a decent car, carries a wallet full of platinum credit cards and wears a gold Rolex watch, you can be fairly certain he has enough money to keep you happy for a while. Be wary of the man who appears unwilling to actually spend any of this cash -- there is no point in dating a rich man who has mothballs in his wallet. Frugality is not an endearing habit in the male of the species. Just be sure to let him know in no uncertain terms that you won't put out for peanuts, and it might just change his spending patterns for the better.

Once you have met a suitable candidate, establishing that he is the right one for you may take some time. There is nothing wrong with sampling the goods before you buy at this stage. After all, you are hoping for a long term arrangement so you both need to be happy with the minor details like will he go down on me too?

The whole package is very important. Look at the man as a whole, not just as a means to an end. It is important that you do not settle for someone you find physically repulsive, just because they are rich. Expensive gifts and holidays are not a good enough reason to fuck that disgustingly creepy guy who owns a string of kebab shops -- even if he is loaded and has promised you a week at the Hotel Cipriani in Venice.

Oh no, if you are intending to travel to exotic locations with your lover, it is far more fun when he is at least reasonably presentable and doesn't require ambulance-transfers between the airport and the resort.

Unless you have plans to keep several men on the go, you need to be happy in all areas of the relationship, and this includes sexually. The only advantage to a much older lover is that he may be so undemanding of your services that you are able to take on a younger lover too. (Strictly for recreational purposes)

If you find a guy you like, are physically attracted to AND who is rich as well as married, then BINGO!

You have arrived at your destination, so prepare to enjoy the stay.

Why not find a rich man to marry instead?

Good question!

Why indeed. There are many reasons as to why it is better to be the mistress of a Sugar Daddy rather than the wife. The main problem with being the wife is that you get all the rubbish jobs like washing his clothes and cooking his dinner. Ultimately you will find yourself the poor downtrodden soul who stays at home every night while hubby goes out and 'enjoys' himself.

It won't be you he takes to Paris for a romantic mini break; it will be the other woman in his life. Just ask yourself what you would rather be doing -- washing his socks or strolling round The Louvre and looking forward to a romp in the honeymoon suite at the George V Hotel en soirée

His wife may well be the main beneficiary in his will, but if you play your cards right, you can acquire enough 'gifts' to invest for a very comfortable future.

Take note: never say "no" to stocks and shares for your portfolio. If your lover is a Stockbroker or Investment Banker, make sure you listen very carefully to his pillow talk. The same applies when he owns a successful business empire. There is always something worth listening to when your lover is a self made millionaire. He became rich for a reason, so learn from him.

How to play your role well...

In order to attract a suitable man, you have to be everything his wife is not. She will be frumpy and lacking in joi de la vie, (understandable when she has all that domestic drudgery every day). You on the other hand look fantastic and are more than happy to provide hot sex whenever he is in the mood.

This is the key to the whole relationship and what will ultimately be the deal-breaker. You have to be available for him, whenever and wherever he wants you. If he rings you at five o'clock in the afternoon and says, "I am playing golf tonight, Darling..." (A euphemism for he wants to get laid), then you need to be ready to party at the drop of a hat.

You also need to be prepared to put an awful lot of time into your appearance. Hours spent waxing and having your hair/nails done, is time and money well spent. If you look good, he will be more than happy to shell out for designer clothes and jewellery on a regular basis.

It is an excellent idea to suggest he pays for a gym membership for you. If you imply that all that exercise will make you fit and supple, he will be sure to appreciate what this will do for him too. (Plus it gives you a chance to ogle the personal trainers while you are there).

He will want an escort who makes him look good in front of his business colleagues. Make no mistake here, you will be shown off when it suits him. If he has important clients in Japan to impress in order to secure that multi million pound deal, who is he going to take to Tokyo with him?

No, not his wife -- she's too busy baking for the school PTA fund raiser. He will take you of course! Just be wary of the man who thinks it's good to share. Make him aware that your favours really don't extend to his clients when he needs them to sign on the dotted line. You are not a prostitute and you don't do sex for money. (That diamond bracelet from Tiffany's doesn't count).

What other qualities are needed?

It goes without saying here that you should have all the sexual skills of a concubine. A full working knowledge of the Kama Sutra is essential, as well as a willingness to perform oral sex at the drop of a hat. Most men appreciate good oral skills, so practice regularly! (And no, not on your personal trainer down at the gym)

You also need an ability to remain emotionally detached from your man. This quality is essential for your long-term happiness. Should you make the fatal mistake of falling in love with him, you are doomed to a life of misery and unhappiness. After all, he's not going to divorce his wife for you, so don't ever think he will.

Frankly you should run a mile if he ever makes this horrific suggestion. Unless or course YOU want to be baking for the PTA fundraiser...

This is not to say that you can't pretend to love him. He will undoubtedly expect you to show appreciation for all his gifts and treats. He will also feel gratified if you say the L word occasionally. Just make sure you say, "I love that pair of shoes you bought me, darling." He will hear the word 'love' and it will make him happy knowing that you really do appreciate him. (Unlike his wife who will do nothing but bitch about the amount of time he spends playing 'golf').

Always be prepared to listen to his problems and woes. Part of being a mistress to your Sugar Daddy is playing the role of counsellor and therapist too. You are fulfilling an important job here - how many men in power do you think would be able to cope with their demanding roles unless they had a mistress? Not many, I can tell you. He will need to sound off about his problems and you need to listen carefully. Any hint of impending financial ruin is a good time to make an exit, stage left.

His successor...

It is always worth keeping a suitable replacement in the wings, should your main man be suddenly swept out of contention for any reason. After all, he may well have a heart attack following vigorous sex and leave you bereft of any fun in your life. A married boyfriend in a nursing home is no fun at all. You won't be able to visit him unless you wear your 'nurse' costume, so be prepared to ditch at this point and move on to the next one.

Every girl need holidays and gifts, so make sure you always have a man ready to fill that gap at a moments notice. If you are particularly cunning, you can try and keep two going concurrently. The main problem with this plan however, is logistics. It is all too easy to find yourself caught out when you need to be in two places at once.

Of course if you happen to have an identical twin sister, this problem need never arise. Unfortunately most of us are not lucky enough to have this useful accessory, so make sure you run a very tight schedule and always keep your appointments written down.

As soon as the charms of one man begin to wane, start looking for his replacement. Ideally you don't want to have too much time without a man friend. This is no fun at all, so make sure it never happens.


There are a few bad points to having a married Sugar Daddy -- after all there is no such thing as a perfect life. The main disadvantage is you will always spend holidays such as Christmas, alone. This is not necessarily a bad thing. It will give you time to catch up with neglected friends and family. It will also be a good opportunity to lay a guilt trip on him about how you will be unbearably lonely all through the season of good-will, so he better make you feel better with lots of presents to open on the big day. Just remind him that a Skiing holiday in Aspen will make up for some of the disappointment you feel knowing that you won't be seeing him over Christmas.

* * *

Now you are ready to go forth and enjoy your comfortable life, secure in the knowledge your Sugar Daddy will provide for you. And remember -- no woman can have enough pairs of designer shoes and diamond earrings!

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