Falling for Matthew Ch. 02

After I left Matt's house, I somewhat reluctantly headed over to Jane's. While I appreciated the truth in Matthew's warning, I probably would have been pretty excited if I honestly thought there was a chance I could get laid tonight. I hadn't lied when I told him I didn't think that's what she had in mind though; Jane was undoubtedly the most chaste eighteen-year-old at our school. One of the select few girls who remained virgins by choice, despite having the option to sleep with pretty much whoever she wanted. With her long slim legs, modest curves, toned stomach and breasts that were slightly unfair considering how careful she was about putting on weight, dating her hadn't made me more popular with the other guys in school; quite the opposite.

Parking dad's car a little ways down the street and sneaking around the back of the house, I at last felt a flicker of excitement about the rest of my plans for the evening. If nothing else worked, I could apparently always trust the thrill of potentially getting caught to get my blood flowing. I soundlessly climbed in through the window; the three years we'd been dating had taught me invaluable skills if I ever decided to become a cat burglar. As I emerged from between the drawn curtains, I was immediately welcomed into her arms; she must have been impatient for me to get there.

She pulled me in for a kiss, tender but short. "Hi." she said, sounding almost shy. I gave her a kiss in return, only marginally longer than the first, and took a step back to look at what she was wearing: a tank top and some spotted flannel pajama bottoms. She looked adorable, and I felt more certain than ever that she hadn't invited me over for sex. She looked like she was going for the attractive-but-off-limits look. She took my hand and lead me over to her twin bed. We'd spent countless hours cuddling on it, and I felt myself relax a little. Say what you will about routine, I find it comforting. Soon we were cuddled up on the bed in our usual manner; her small body tucked into the side of mine, my arm around her, her leg over my hips.

"I'm sorry, but you can't stay very long. Mom wants to go and visit grandma tomorrow, which means we all have to get up at six if we're gonna get there early enough to make it back by tomorrow night."

Quietly wondering why she would invite me over at all if she was gonna lead with that, I said; "Don't worry about it. I'm pretty beat myself." At least I didn't have to lie about my sleep deprivation in this case.

"I guess you're wondering what I got you for your birthday, huh?" She propped herself up on her elbow in order to look me in the eye. "And? What did you get me?"

"Well, I thought about it for a long time and I couldn't think of anything that you'd really like that would be in my price range. So I got to thinking about home made gifts and realized that would not only be super lame but you'd feel obligated to pretend to like it."

Realizing I'd dodged a bullet there, I let out an exaggerated sigh of relief and we both chuckled. "So what did you decide on in the end?"

"Well..." she bit her lip in hesitation. "I know this is something you've wanted me to do for a long time, I could never really work up the courage to try it. But I figured, it's your birthday, and it's your last birthday before I leave, so here goes..." She took a steadying breath and moved down my torso, working at the buttons on my jeans.

"Are you sure about this?" Surely there must be something seriously wrong in my head, what kind of teenage boy asks his girlfriend that when she is in the process of getting in his pants voluntarily? I briefly panicked though; what if I couldn't get it up for her? I'd heard about guys going impotent from watching too much porn; nothing was kinky enough for them to get turned on anymore. I'd been going at it pretty heavily fantasizing about Matt. Oh god, she's gonna know something's wrong! I quickly pulled up a mental image of Matt's grinning face, replayed the sound of him groaning this morning as he bit into the pancake my mom brought him, pictured him bending over to tie his shoelace. It worked; my cock stirred like a loyal golden retriever pricking up its ears as if saying; did you say something about walkies, cause I'm up for that.

Jane, none the wiser about my mental imagery, stuck her hand in my pants, gently pulling me out into the open. This was a first for her, she hardly ever even groped me through my pants. In some ways she was lucky to have a boyfriend that might turn out to be gay; at least I never pressured her into doing things she didn't feel ready for. She started inexpertly stroking me, only the fact that the hand stroking it wrong, and not gripping tightly enough, wasn't mine kept my dick from deflating.

"Does that feel good?" she asked me, looking me in the eye practically pleading for praise. I let out a groan for her benefit and told her; "Yeah, baby, but here; this'll feel even better." Guiding her hands I got her to gently fondle my balls with her left hand while her right slowly got the hang of stroking my hard on. Soon, my breathing was genuinely more rapid and I had to suppress the urge to moan.

"This wasn't all I had planned for tonight though." she said before leaning down and hesitantly licking the drop of precum off the tip my cock. It lurched at the contact and instantly got considerably harder; I finally had a boner I didn't need to feel ashamed of; 8 inches and rock hard.

"For the love of god, please do that again." I gently put my hand on her head while unashamedly begging for more. "Please suck me!"

She obligingly did just that. Letting her lips slip over the head of my cock and about a third of the way down she was soon licking my shaft, sucking her way back up ever ten seconds or so. I had expected her to be more squeamish about the taste of my precum, but I certainly wasn't about to complain. She kept fondling my balls the whole time, and I was only saved from blowing my load too early by the occasional graze of her teeth against my sensitive flesh. She clearly knew enough to try to avoid it, but she wasn't experienced enough to make sure it never happened accidentally. I was having a great time, but I could tell she was only doing this as a favor to me; she really wasn't into it. I decided I might as well try and come quickly, put her out of her misery so to speak. The blowjob felt great, knowing that it wasn't enjoyable to her didn't.

A couple minutes later, I felt myself getting nearer. "Baby, I'm gonna come soon." She took that to mean that her job was more or less done. Pulling her mouth off my cock with one last suck, she crawled back up to the top of the bed and kissed me. She kept fondling my balls, but let me finish myself off. It was more difficult than I would have liked, and I had to resort to my secret stash of Matthew mental imagery to get there in the end. I was barely done spasming, and certainly not finished coming down from my orgasmic high when Jane slipped out of bed.

"I'll go get you some tissues to clean up with." I almost felt as if the decent thing to do was to pay her for her services, she got nothing out of what we just did besides the feeling of being a good girlfriend. Had she always been this cold, or had I treated her so badly she didn't feel anything for me anymore? Fully aware of the hypocrisy and injustice of it, I still felt hurt. It's not as if I didn't have feelings for her anymore, and I had tried my very best to not only remain faithful to her, but a good and supportive boyfriend to boot. For all I knew, she could have fallen for Matt too.

Oh god, what if that was it? What if there was something developing between the two of them? It could explain why Matt was so frustrated with me, and why he was so understanding when I told him I had feelings for someone else! I knew he would never have let anything happen between them, he was my friend and he would never betray me like that, but what if they fell for each other? Just as I was starting to panic, Jane was back holding out some bunched up toilet paper. Thanking her, I took it from her and started wiping up the mess on my hand.

I'd barely tucked myself back in and buttoned up my pants when she said; "You'd better go. It's getting pretty late, and I really do have to get up early in the morning." She clearly thought things were awkward now; I was too busy trying to breathe calmly to behave normally.

I mumbled; "Yeah" in response, barely remembered to kiss her on the forehead, and climbed out the window. Once safely outside in the cool evening breeze, I turned and whispered my thanks for tonight, wished her sweet dreams and a nice trip for the following day before stumbling back to the car where I sat shivering with a sickening sense of panic as I tried to keep from hyperventilating. Gripping the steering-wheel firmly, and breathing in through my nose and out through my mouth I eventually managed to calm down enough to drive back to Matt's house like an absolute madman. Thank god the roads were practically deserted.

I was already out of the car and on my way up the drive before I got my phone out to text him to check if he was asleep. He was, but not anymore. Using my key, I let myself into the enormous house. Matt was home alone most weekends, this one was no exception; his parents were away on yet another business trip. He met me in the hallway, wearing nothing but a t-shirt and his boxers. His hair was tousled and his forehead wrinkled in confusion. He looked absolutely gorgeous and my heart gave a painful squeeze even as my stomach contracted into a cold, hard lump of anxiety.

"What's going on? Did something happen?"

"Is there something going on between you and Jane?" It came out sounding angrier than I had intended.

"No, of course not! What makes you think that?" His eyebrows shot up in surprise, and he sounded genuinely shocked, but I didn't feel reassured. He could tell I wasn't going to believe him that easily.

"Jake, what's going on with you? What happened at Jane's tonight?"

"I didn't sleep with her if that's what you're worried about." His phrasing had only made it worse; it sounded like he had been asking himself that all night, wondering what we were doing. Now, I really was angry.

"Dude, what's gotten into you? This afternoon you were going on about breaking up with her, telling me you're into someone else and now you're jealous because you think I'm after your girl. Make up your mind!"

Before I knew what I was doing, my hands grabbed hold of his t-shirt and I was shoving him roughly against the wall. Pinning him there, not letting go of his shirt I had no choice but to shout in his face angrily, my only other option was to break down crying hysterically.

"I see what you're doing, and I'm telling you now; this is not okay. If you touch her, you and me are done!" I couldn't think of anything else I could say without telling him the real reason behind my outburst, so I just stood there for a second, slightly out of breath and blushing furiously. I wished I'd just gone home instead; I was closer to breaking down in tears than ever and his words had failed to soothe me for the first time ever. I couldn't look him in the eye, so I looked away and slightly unsteadily took a step back. I felt like such a sissy.

His hand gently touching my shoulder came as a surprise. "Jake, relax. I would never consider any girl you've been involved with fair game. Especially not one you've dated for this long, and certainly not while you were still with her. You really don't need to worry about this; even if I did have feelings for Jane, which I don't, it wouldn't matter because she is always going to be either your girlfriend or your ex. Either way she is completely off limits."

My shoulders sagged with joined relief and exhaustion, and I leaned my forehead against his shoulder. My hands were no longer pushing him against the wall; I was practically clinging to him. His arms came around me and he just stood there quietly, his mere presence comforting me as the burning in my eyes overflowed and leaked into his t-shirt. I heard him let out a soft sigh. Unsure if I'd outstayed my welcome, I pulled myself together and stepped out of his personal space.

"Sorry about that. I don't know what got into me; I know you'd never go behind my back like that."

"It's alright. What happened tonight?" he asked gently.

"She gave me a pity blowjob cause it was my birthday." I couldn't look him in the eye as I said it; I'd never been shy around Matthew before and it felt fundamentally wrong, but I couldn't help it.

"How do you know? Did she say anything?"

"She didn't have to. She wasn't into it at all, just going through the motions. After I finished myself off, I almost felt as if I should pay her."

"Hell no! If she didn't finish the job herself, she didn't earn it." I barely cracked a smile at that.

"Seriously Jake, you're starting to worry me. What's going on with you?" he said, putting his hand on my shoulder as if to keep me from walking away before he could get an answer out of me. Apparently he didn't have faith that I would just be honest and open with him anymore.

"Talk to me, man. You never wanna hang out anymore, we've barely had a proper conversation in weeks, you've lost weight and you look absolutely exhausted, every day. Frankly, it hurts me that you won't talk to me about your problems. That was always the way we worked; you got upset over something and I made you feel better."

While I debated what and how much I should tell him, he took my silence as another rejection and got a bit angry.

"I feel like you're punishing me for something I didn't do! And I know I didn't do anything wrong because I've been obsessing over this for two months now. I need you to tell me what's wrong!"

His anger dissipated as quickly as it arrived and by the end of his little tirade he was pleading with me. As he stood there, looking at me with those incredible puppy dog eyes, I realized he was right. I may be enough of a shit to hurt Jane, but I couldn't stand it if my silence was hurting him too.

"Fine," I said, walking past him into his bedroom. This sort of admission wasn't something I felt up for while standing in a dark and cold hallway. I sat down on his unmade bed and felt a stab of yearning as I was enveloped in the subtle scent of him permeating the bedroom. I forced myself to stare at his comforter as he followed me into the room; if I looked up I would be in danger of outright ogling him. Once he was seated on the bed, I felt myself close to chickening out and took a breath.

"You know how I said I was into someone else? That someone is a guy."

He blinked in surprise; whatever he had been expecting me to say, that wasn't it.

"Are you bi?"

"Not sure. On the one hand, I don't drool over guys left, right and centre, just this one. On the other, I probably haven't been trying to get in Jane's pants as hard as I should. And let's face it, that girl is hot. If I'm not into her, I'm probably not that into the female sex in general. I'm not sure my feelings for her were ever what they should have been, it's hard to think straight about these things and know for sure what my feelings were in the past. It's not like I've kept a journal and I have no idea what it's supposed to feel like so I can't compare myself to the norm."

"You've been struggling with this for months, haven't you? What made you think you couldn't come to me with it?" Apparently my silence and lack of openness still stung him.

"It wasn't that I wanted to keep it a secret from you. It was more like the minute I told you about it, it would be for real. No backing out."

"So what changed? Did I push you too hard to talk to me?"

"No, not at all. I guess I realized those feelings aren't going anywhere, so it would be stupid to try and not acknowledge them anymore. It doesn't make that much of a difference at this point, whether you know or not." Just cause I hate lying, doesn't mean I'm shit at it.

"So, you gonna tell me who it is?" he asked while playfully elbowing me in the ribs.

"No!" That came out louder than I intended it to.

"Oh come on! I wanna know could possibly be so hot that he can make you switch teams. Is he gay?"

"I seriously doubt it. I've seen him with lots of girls over the years. He's been single for a while though. Not that I'm getting my hopes up or anything." I said, unable to keep my despair completely out of my voice.

Matt put his arm around my shoulder, just like he had so many times before. At least he isn't a homophobe; I had no reason to worry about him being disgusted or pulling away from me. I knew he was going to be there for me, just not in the way I so desperately wanted. I doubted he would be as understanding if he knew that it was him I was obsessing over. One sided feelings like that have the uncanny ability to make things awkward for people with more straight forward relationships than Matthew's and mine.

"How long have you been keeping an eye on this guy?"

"It's someone from school, obviously, he's kinda hard not to notice. So just because I haven't been drooling over him for years I've always known who he is." I was starting to get worried about telling him too much. Our school is pretty big and there are plenty of potential candidates, but what if I let something slip?

"Oh my god! Is it that Marcus guy? Even I can tell that he's pretty delicious."

"No, it's not him."

"Good; he's a total dick." After a short pause, he said; "You need to break up with Jane."

"Yeah, I know. I'd do it tomorrow, but she's going to visit her grandma. Guess it can wait till Sunday. I should head home, it's getting late." Reluctantly lifting my head off his warm shoulder, I went to get up.

"You could stay here, you know. The guest bedroom is still made up for you, even if you haven't used it in months." Maybe it wasn't just him taking care of me; it looked like he'd missed having me stay over even if it only meant that there would be someone else sleeping down the hallway.

"Thanks, Matt. I can't tonight; I have to get the car back to dad. He needs it in the morning. How about we take that trip to the cabin next weekend instead of waiting till July?" I had no idea how I was gonna make it through a whole weekend with no one around but him, but I was excited all the same. Being around him was exquisite torture these days. It didn't matter either way, I needed him to feel like things were back to normal with us.

"Yeah, sounds good." He looked a little forlorn sitting there curled up in his bed. I reached over for a hug told him I was sorry for being such a shit. He waved it off and walked me out.

Still feeling guilty for my behavior and for leaving him alone in that cold house, I said; "You doing anything tomorrow?" When he shook his head, I told him; "Good, then you're coming over to my house for dinner. Mom's been pestering me to invite you." She hadn't, but she'd love having him over again. He chuckled at my bossiness, but didn't object.

Driving home, I wondered why Matt didn't have more close friends. He was a good guy, funny and reasonably intelligent. Okay, so I might be a little biased, but I honestly couldn't think of a single reason people didn't just flock around him. The two of us stick together mostly. We have friends we talk to at school, people we sit with at lunch and people we go to parties with, but mostly it's just the two of us. Obviously that had changed a little when I started going out with Jane, but I had made the same accommodations for Matt's girls before. His relationships normally didn't last as long as mine and Jane's had though, and I wondered if he'd felt left out. I knew for sure he'd never have told me if he did, not so long as he thought I was happy.

What would he have done tomorrow night if I hadn't told him to come over to my house? What had he done all those weekends I had felt too conflicted to hang out with him? I felt horrible; what sort of shit boyfriend am I that I neglect and hurt not only my girlfriend, but also my best friend just because I was falling for him? Surely normal people don't hurt the people they love as categorically as I seemed to these days.