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Click herea dead rose, dropping red tipped petals
from a willow pattern cup, chipped near the handle
next to a purple pen marked ‘grape scented’
a pad of paper scrawled with a number and V.A.
beside it, a picture of a man in camouflage
alongside that, a reddish carnival glass ring dish;
containing two wedding bands, large and small
all this on a dresser touching a canopy bed,
on its bare mattress, a woman in a stained t-shirt
hand between her legs, stroking—weeping.
The visuals leading in to the close work very well. Poet Guy agrees with twelveoone that the ending is made perhaps too explicit (not meaning the masturbation, but rather that it is perhaps too obvious about the death of the woman's husband). Poet Guy has no clever ideas about how to recast that, though. Well done.
I think you could lose 'alongside that' but it's a pwerful piece nonetheless and very pertinent today
though the punctuation is odd and breaks the flow somewhat. I like description, and the details seem just right.
100, no regrets on my part. You are reaching just the right amount. The end could be a little less defined.
but I like the reddish carnival glass dish. Hmmm, now who should you listen to? A noob, or...
I think it is cool, I wasn't expecting it to end as it did, but the rose petals should have hinted. Nice.