tagHumor & SatireFor Good Husbands

For Good Husbands


Ladies it's me Mary 'The Magic Flute Player' Larson and if you remember my claim to fame then I think you'll want to hear what I have to say. Do you consider the men in your life nothing but big, hulking, forceful if not suave, hunks of over confident hairy-chested machismo? How much of your valuable time do you waste just trying to train these beasts just to put the toilet seat down? If you're tired of his antics and are ready to make that decision to train him, then today is your lucky day. I have taken the many years of dedication to my craft and turned it into an easy to learn CD that will change your life.

Hello, my name is Horace Greenfield and as your announcer, I would like to step in here and just for those few of you, who may not know Ms. Larson, give you her story. Mary grew up to be what many considered as a somewhat homely girl and once in college found herself alone and undated. Then one evening in some strange alignment of the stars, she found herself in the backseat of the starting quarterback's auto. According to the legend, Mary was informed that since she was there she had to perform an oral act as payment. Well what can I say other than; the rest is history, as after our heroine performed her magic act the quarterback became putty in her hands. As the student body witnessed said quarterback following Mary around campus with no other desire than to do her bidding it started a trend and soon all the 'BMOCs' were fighting for a chance to date Mary.

As Mary became the schools undisputed champion of back seat flute playing, she went on to regionals and then to state finals where she won causing the judges to erupt in cheers. As soon as the USFPA (United States Flute Playing Association) convened and held national championships, our Mary won suck off after suck off and she had all the other contestants on their knees, so to speak.

Ms. Larson's real claim to fame came when the Olympic committee decided to include flute playing in not only the summer event but the winter Olympics as well. The interesting way the contest was judged i.e. a heat in which two contestants one on each end of a line of judges begin sucking to finish and the first one past the center of the line declared winner. Mary scored gold in both summer and winter meets making her the only person in history to have gold in both events. Now retired from official competition Mary only performs for fun. So, now that we all know Ms. Larson she will tell you of her wonderful new product.

Thank You Horace, and now ladies time to learn the secret that will turn not only turn your life around but also that of your man's as well. As you may imagine never in all my years of competition did I ever divulge my secrets to successful flute playing. Now that I'm retired, I've felt it only fair to share my wealth of knowledge so that others may enjoy some of the rewards I have had. What's that you ask, will you be of championship caliber once you have learned from my CD? That ladies, and may I add, also the men in the audience, will be up to your talent and hard work. To be a contender on a competitive level takes hard work and dedication and only a few have lips talented enough to make it to the top lap of the flute-playing world. However with just one listen to my CD you could become the queen of your bedroom and with further study not only will your man put down the toilet seat he may just volunteer to clean the toilet.

You may wonder how a talent that took me years to hone to champion level can now be learned in only a few short hours. Actually, it is quite simple I have reduced my patented 'puff don't suck' method of flute playing into a science of concise easy to learn exercises. The first thing you learn is how easy it is to find a man who will allow you to use his flute to practice on and as we all know practice makes perfect. I wish I could go into more detail here but we need the time to introduce you to some of our satisfied customers and their more than satisfied husbands.

This is Judy and her boyfriend, George. Please tell us in your own words the results you have achieved with the 'Flute Player CD'.

"Ms. Larson I thank the stars for the day I saw your ad and ordered your product. My life has changed forever since I took the course."

Tell us about George and the improvements you have noticed since trying our product.

"My goofy George, I swear every Sunday he'd be sitting on his fat butt, oh I'm sorry can I say that word on TV, I couldn't even get him to take out the trash unless it was halftime. During the fall I would never even dream about doing something on a Sunday with George, but now, George tell the nice lady where we're going this Sunday."

"Yes dear, I taking you to see Mama Mia and then to the tea room for a luncheon of watercress sandwiches."

But George isn't this Sunday a playoff game?

"Well yes it is Ms. Larson, but I'd much rather have my sweetie pie happy and besides there's always another playoff game."

Isn't that the truth, Thank you Judy and you too George.

Our next testimonial is from Doreen and oh, Doreen I don't see your husband here.

No, Ms. Larson, thanks to your wonderful CD my husband is working today and has been since I took your course. The lazy bum had been out of work since the factory shut down, he couldn't find any employment. As soon as I saw how successful a flute player you could become I had my husband take the course and now he earns hundreds per night working the street corners downtown."

I must say, that is a novel way of using my CD, but I'm glad it's worked out for you.

As you see ladies, this is proof that my patented system works and works well and that with just a few hours training you too could become an expert flute player and husband trainer. To show you how confidant we are that my system works all I ask is for you to send your first payment of thirty-nine dollars in and we will mail you your disk. Within one week if you are not completely satisfied with the changes in your husband keep the CD and don't worry about the remainder of your balance. But if your life has changed, if your husband is now someone you can live with, send in the remaining ninety-nine dollars and for no extra charge we will send you our CD titled 'Spit Don't Swallow' which will add greatly to your flute playing enjoyment.

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