The sky was colored a brilliant red orange with subtle purple hues as the sun said its farewell. As I looked out over the railing of our summer cottage deck, a tear ran down my cheek. It was twenty years today that I had lost my first husband. We weren't married in the traditional sense but so united were we in mind body and spirit that it would have been tragic not to consider him my husband.
Every year at this time I returned to our cottage with my current husband Ryan. We've been married almost thirteen wonderful years. I love Ryan, heart and soul but forever in my heart would be a place for my Isaac, and Ryan didn't begrudge me this love. He knew how much I loved him and nothing could ever come between us.
He was such a wonderful loving man that at this moment, Ryan was inside cooking me his special recipe for heart ache relief, homemade mac and cheese, fried chicken, green bean casserole and for dessert, my favorite, molten lava cake. The smell wafted out of the kitchen window, wrapping me in a comforting blanket of olfactory bliss. I loved that man. He always knew just what I needed when I was blue.
Smiling, I closed my eyes. Without his love, I don't know how I would get though this day. Actually, I do because before I met him this day was spent in misery, typically drunk, and crying until my voice was hoarse and I was physically sick. Time has been kind to me though, dulling the rough edges, leaving me with the sweet loving nostalgia of my lost love. As if it was yesterday, the memories of the day he died surfaced, but unlike when it happened, this memory was tender, sweet.
...He had made the decision days earlier that he wanted to die at home and with the doctor's permission, checked out of the hospital. I was in the kitchen fixing him some broth to soothe his dry aching throat when I heard him coughing. My gut clenched at the sound but it would pass, just as it always did, except this time it didn't. After a couple minutes I began to panic. Dropping the bowl I was holding, I ran up to our room.
My beautiful husband was wracked with pain as a coughing spell gripped him tightly. Going to his side, I soothed his sweat soaked blonde curly hair back from his face. He looked up at me with his green brown eyes. They held so much love even though he was in such pain. Time passed and eventually he quieted.
"Rest, my love while I go get your soup," I said as I laid the gentlest of kisses on his moist brow.
"Don't leave me," he begged.
"I'll be right back," I promised.
"No, please," he paused to take in a raspy breath, "I am going fast, love, I can feel it."
"Shhh, baby, shhh. Don't talk like that, my love. You've just had a bad episode. It'll pass soon," I said with tears in my eyes. It was all I could do not to break down crying. He was so weak, so tired of fighting and something in his eyes told me that he was right. He wouldn't make it the night.
"Do something for me," he said softly.
"Of course, anything."
"Make love to me," he asked weakly.
"You're too weak, Isaac, please my love, you have to rest," I implored him.
"Please, Jay. I need this. I have to know the feel of your body one more time," he begged.
He looked so thin, so frail. Gone was the strong virile man who once owned Vibe personal training. Gone was his rich olive completion, I loved so much. His skin was grey, sickly, but still he was the most beautiful man I had ever seen.
Even as I look down at him, noting his pallor, I stripped my clothes off quickly, never taking my eyes from him. With a shaky hand, he reached up taking my manhood in his cold hand. I shivered, but not from the cold. His touch always elicited that reaction from me. Blood filled my shaft, bringing it to attention in his touch.
With a smile, he released me rolling over slowly, exposing his naked back to me. No matter how sick he was, he always slept naked. It made me smile as I got in bed behind him, spooning him to me.
"I love you," I said caressing down his hip, then down to his semi hard penis.
"I love you," he moaned weakly. "Make sure to use a condom."
"Of course," I assured him as I gloved him gently.
He moaned as I began to stroke him in a slow up down motion. Gradually, as if waking from a deep sleep, his erection got harder and harder. Once it stood tall and proud, I quickened my pace in time with his moans.
"Fuck me," he said in a raspy out of breath voice.
Kissing him on the ear, I released him. Inside our bedside table, closest to me, was the lube and condoms. Turing over, I quickly tore one off and then opened the packet. Placing the lubricated ring on top of my engorged tip, I rolled it quickly down my shaft, careful not to trap any hairs at the base.
The lube was cold as I squirted it on my cock, but quickly warmed as I gloved it in my palm spreading the lube along my length. Pumping my shaft hard in my hand, I relished the slick feel.
"Hurry," Isaac said impatiently.
I laughed. He never could wait for me to make love to him. Any other time I would have made him watch as I pleasured myself, but I sensed the urgency of his plea. The gravity of this act hit me hard and I began to weep silently. My cock sagged only slightly and with a pump of my fist it was back to its tallest.
Turning back toward him, I nuzzled against his neck, my tears wetting his coarse hair. I held him close as I nudged his leg up with my knee. Instinctively, his brought his knee to his chest and hiked his backside up a bit to better the angle. Giving him a squeeze I released his thickness so that I could guide my cock into his tight opening.
Sliding into his tight warmth with a sigh, I caressed down his up curved leg. Isaac moaned snuggling back against me. He turned his head giving me his lips. I kissed him hungrily still crying. I knew that this would be our last time like this and it made me wild with need.
Taking his cock in my hand, I tenderly pumped it in time with my now pistoning cock. With every push of my cock, his staff became fuller, his breath quicker. He broke from my kiss as he cried out.
"Jay, slow down," he panted, "I want you to come first."
"No, Isaac, I'm close. Come with me, baby."
It was so important to me that he came and to help, I picked up my pace as I rocked deep into him. The pressure was building so fast inside me. I knew I wouldn't last much longer. Tightening my grip on his rod, I pumped him faster in my hand.
That was all it took. I felt his cock pulse a second before he spilled into my hand, jetting his thick sperm onto the bed. As he came, he tightened the muscles of his ass, milking me tight. It pushed me over the edge. My cock pulsed strongly as I shot my load into him with a grunt. Rocking gently in and out of him, I placed butterfly kisses over his cheek and back.
My release seemed to break the dam I had carefully erected to hold back the flood of sorrow I felt broke. I began to sob almost hysterically. He held me close to his back, muttering soothingly.
"Shhh, baby, shhhh. It'll be ok. I love you so much," he said weakly but sounding content.
"I'm not ready to lose you, Isaac. What will I do without you," I cried miserably.
"Promise me that you'll not shut yourself off from love, Jay. Promise me that you will let someone love you again. I couldn't bear the thought of you being alone. Promise me," he insisted, his breathing shaky.
"I'll always love you."
"Promise me, Jay," he said more insistent.
"I promise," I assured him doubtfully.
"You'll have to do better than that," he urged. "You're slipping out. Pull out before the condom falls off."
"I can't promise, Isaac, I can't, but I promise that I will try," I said honestly as I took the condom off and tossed it in the direction of the garbage, not caring if I made it or not.
"Try my love. You need someone to love you," he said as I pulled him close, "You deserve it."
"I'll try. Now try to get some sleep," I urged him, brushing his hair back from his face.
"I love you," he whispered before exhaustion took him. He slept peacefully. I laid there listening to his shallow even breathing for several minutes before allowing myself a bit of rest.
I woke an hour later and he was gone. He had died in my arms as we slept. It wasn't AIDS that killed him, but it never is. Just like so many others, pneumonia had claimed the one I loved. I cried and cried rocking him gently...
The sound of the screen door shutting brought my attention back to the present with a start. Wiping the tears from my cheeks, I turned to smile at Ryan, my eyes still red and puffy. He came to me, pressing against my back, rocking me gently as he hugged me.
Kissing the back of my head, he said, "You ok?"
"I'm fine," I assured him smiling, "I was just remembering the day Isaac died. He was so peaceful, Ryan. It's such a good memory as sad as it is."
"I know, baby. I love you," he said letting me know that he was there for me, "Are you hungry, love?"
"Famished," I said nodding.
Turning in his arms, I kissed him, hugging him tightly. When our lips parted, I said softly, "Thank you. Thank you for loving me."
"Forever, Jay, I will love you forever."