Helping Mr. KbyaddieQ©
Mr. Kay said, "Oh Nina, don't feel bad - please."
The intensity of the moment was overwhelming. I was getting more and more emotional.
In a sort of frightened panic I stuttered, "I was - I was - trying to make myself - I feel so bad - I was trying to make myself..."
I paused, not sure if I could say it, then I went on.
"I was alone - naked - on my bed - trying to make myself - climax..."
Oh Jesus - I said it, and there was a haunted silence that just hung in the room as I sat on the edge of the bed and looked at him across from me on the chair.
Oh my God. What had I done? I felt totally ashamed.
But Mr. Kay stayed so calm. He thought for a moment and then cautiously spoke, "I need to ask, do you mean you were masturbating?"
I looked right at him and quietly replied, "Yes."
At that point I started to cry. I couldn't help it.
Mr. Kay got up off his chair and sat down next to me on the bed, and he put his arm around me. It was such a comforting thing for him to do. And then I just leaned into his nice whit shirt, and sobbed.
Mr. Kay acted perfectly calm and supportive.
He let me cry, and he stoked my hair and whispered a softhearted, "It's okay, just let yourself cry, it's all okay."
I just told him something that - to me - was truly disgraceful, but Mr. Kay sound calm and supportive.
It took me a little while to regain my composure enough to speak.
Finally I said, "I'm sorry, I'm so ashamed."
He calmly told me, "No, you can't be. I won't let you be."
"No Nina, it's fine."
"But - when my Mom caught me - she kind of - well - she - she - kind of freaked out, she got SO mad at me."
I said, "She was really - really mad at me..."
"I understand, I know how strict your mother can be."
"It was awful - she really scared me..."
"Please, I understand that it was - upsetting. But what you were doing was fine - it's perfectly normal."
I was shocked that he would say that, and I warily asked, "It's normal?"
He whispered, "Yes, it is."
"Do you really mean that?"
What? Just hearing him say that seemed to calm me down - at least a little.
I cautiously spoke, "But I feel so alone, like I'm the only one in the world that - that - does it. And - somehow - it makes me so sad."
And then Mr. Kay laughed out loud, and he said, "Well, you certainly aren't alone, I can assure you of that."
I was confused, "What do you mean?"
"Nina, you know me really well. I have been alone for over three years since Kelly died. I haven't been on a date since then, or anything. So, I want you to know, you are not alone, that you and I - well - we both have this in common."
I looked up at him, and he was smiling softly, and a calm descended on me and I suddenly stopped crying.
I asked him, "Really, are you serious, you do it too?"
"Yes Nina, I do it too - We are both doing the same thing. It's something that's normal, and I think it's really nice that you do it, and if feels nice for you - I think that's good"
He looked at my face, and then he un-tucked his white dress shirt and pulled up the tail, and he dried the tears off my face with it.
I meekly asked, "Really, you think it's good?"
"Yes Nina, its a perfectly natural and beautiful thing. Yes, if you want to masturbate in your room alone - I think it's wonderful."
He tenderly wiped his shirt along my cheeks, slowly drying my tears, and it felt so strange.
He continued, "It's okay, really. I'm glad you do it."
This conversation was surprising to me, it was soothing, and in a very real way - I could see it was somehow soothing for Mr. Kay too.
I said, "Thank you SO much, this really helps, talking like this..."
"I'm glad I really am."
He looked at me, and smiled.
"Oh Mr. Kay - just you saying that, it really helps ..."
Mr. Kay looked at me in such a kindhearted way, and I knew he was truly concerned.
"Oh Nina, don't feel bad at all - I think, what you did, can be really beautiful."
It felt so wonderful to be sharing this with someone so sensitive, and someone who had somehow helped me so much.
He said, "Please Nina you need to know how special you are to me, it's been truly important to me, and I know little Pam really loves you too - It's been so nice that you have been a part of this - well, my family."
I was filled with a sort of heightened emotion, for some reason, just sharing like this, and hearing his voice was helping me - and I wanted to talk more.
"Mr. Kay, I really appreciate you saying that. You've been - like - like a father to me."
Oh god, just talking like this feel SO good.
I nervously said, "I feel funny saying this - but..."
"Nina, you can tell me anything - it's okay."
"This is hard for me to say - but lately - when I'm alone, I can't help it - I just feel like I need to - to make myself..."
"I really need - to make myself - well, climax - I mean - when make myself - cum -it really helps me - but at the same time - I feel - I feel so..."
"I'm sorry, for some reason - I just feel ashamed."
I could hear the tension in my voice, and Mr. Kay could tell this was hard for me. But - for some reason - I felt like just HAD to tell him.
As kindly as he could, Mr. Kay said, "Nina, just so you know, I think it totally okay, if it makes you feel good, then there is NOTHING to feel bad about."
"Remember, it's nice for me, I do it too..."
"Nina, listen to me, Okay? You should feel nice, I give you complete permission to anything you want - anything that feels nice - when alone in your room..."
I meekly replied, "Really?"
"Yes - it should be comforting for you. Because you deserve something that beautiful and nice, it's something that you should treat as joyous - Okay?"
"Thank you Mr. Kay," I whispered.
And then we both sat there in silence, and he still had his arm around me. He seemed a little distant, and I could tell that he was lost in thought.
I needed to tell him more.
I carefully said, "I think - I mean - the reason my Mom sort of flipped out - when she walked into my room - when she caught me - was..."
I paused, and he seemed so attentive.
I went on, "It's - I need to - I think - It feels important - that I tell you."
"Thank you SO much for letting me - tell you..."
"P-please Nina - Go on - I want to help."
"Okay. When my Mom walked into my room - I was - I was..."
I realized how personal this was, but at the same time I just NEEDED to tell him. He was being so kindhearted, and it just felt so good to share this with him.
I said, "Mr. Kay, this is funny for me to say. But that morning, when my Mom caught me - when I was naked - on the bed - and - and rubbing myself..."
"She REALLY scared me - I was so freaked-out that I jumped up off the bed, and I kind of hid behind my closet door - while she yelled at me - And - On the bed - there was..."
"It's okay Nina."
I was really upset, but I realized the only way to say it, was just to say it.
"On the bed - There was - I made - a big wet spot on the bed. And my Mom got all fixated on this, on how big the wet spot was - and she was really angry - and she said it was disgusting."
"Oh Nina, I'm sorry."
In a panicky voice I added, "I'm sorry - I couldn't help it."
In a soothing voice he told me, "I know you couldn't."
He hugged me tight and something about it was intensely comforting.
I asked, "Oh God, it's scary. I mean - I just get SO wet, is there something wrong with me?"
Then I watched, as Mr. Kay seemed to concentrate, like he was carefully collecting his thoughts.
After a moment, he calmly spoke, "No, there is nothing wrong with you. I think I understand why this was so upsetting for you. I can't make your mother's reaction go away. All I can say is - what you just told me - about the wet spot - it sounds like you are normal and healthy - and maybe even a little bit lucky."
I smiled and said, "Oh God, Mr. Kay can say the most perfect thing for me to hear."
He gave me a reassuring hug.
Then - I just blurted out, "I had a - well - relationship with - with this boy from school. It wasn't right, and it just ended."
He said, "You never told me."
"I know, I'm sorry, I feel like I was hiding it from you."
"You shouldn't feel that way."
"I don't know. It was awkward, I wanted to tell you. But I just couldn't."
"Oh Nina, you should be able to share anything with me."
"Do you mean that?"
I looked up at him, at his kind eyes, and I nervously whispered, "I'm not a virgin anymore."
I could see that he was totally surprised, and all I could think was I NEVER should have told him.
Then he quietly asked, "Nina, are you upset about this?"
I spoke quietly, "It happened. I lost my virginity to this boy, and it was after a party, when both of us had been drinking. It was in his room and it was totally dark, so I didn't see anything, and I actually remember very little. Anyway, that night was sort of a blur, and I regret it."
He spoke tenderly, "Oh Baby, don't feel bad about it."
"Later, I found out he made fun of me to his friends at school. He told them that I - that I - that I got his bed all wet. He made a mean joke about it."
I couldn't believe I just said that - it was SO private. I was scared I would freak him out, and I tried to sense if I upset Mr. Kay by being so honest.
He calmly spoke, "Nina, that's awful that he said that."
"I - I can't - help it, getting - all - wet like I do."
"But, what I want to say - what scares me - is that - I feel so - incomplete and I don't know what to do."
"Please, don't worry."
"I can't help it. I wanted it to be nice - but it was so - sad."
"Oh God - It was confusing - I mean - I guess I kind of wanted some kind of intimacy, but he was just wasn't - he wasn't nice to me."
"Go on - I'm listening."
I looked away. I just seemed so scared, and I felt powerless. But at the same time, I felt like I really NEEDED to talk, that sharing this with Mr. Kay was somehow important for me.
I said, "Something just doesn't seem right - I'm so confused"
He calmly asked, "Nina, does it feel satisfying for you, I mean, when you're alone and you have an orgasm?"
I quietly said, "I don't know. I mean - When I'm alone - and when I - well - when I try to make myself - climax - I feel like I really need - well - I need - to think about something - and - all I can think about is that mean boy from school."
"I think I understand. Go on..."
"Okay. Well, I guess - I feel like I really get stuck thinking about him. It's like I can't help it. I don't even remember anything. And now I'm really confused."
I looked up at him and smiled nervously, and then I went on.
"Oh my god, Mr. Kay - this is embarrassing..."
"Please, you don't need to worry about saying anything to me."
I meekly asked, "Mr. Kay, I guess I need - I don't know - some help. I mean, can I ask you something?"
"Are you sure?"
"Nina, you can ask me anything."
I was so bewildered and I asked, "I feel funny saying this, but what do you think about - I mean - when..."
Mr. Kay asked, "You mean when I'm alone, when I masturbate?"
And then Mr. Kay was suddenly silent, and his expression changed. He seemed sort of lost and sad.
I realized that I had asked something too personal, "I said, "Oh God, I didn't mean to ask you that."
He spoke with enormous sincerity, "Nina, it's okay that you asked me that."
"You think about your wife, Kelly, don't you."
He didn't say anything, and I reached over and held his hand. After a long moment of silence, he quietly answered, "Yes, I think about Kelly."
I said, "I'm sorry, you don't have to say anything..."
It a serious tone he replied, "Nina, I want to tell you. I've never told this to anyone, and - and..."
"You don't have to tell me..."
Mr. Kay said, "Please, I want to tell you. When I'm alone, and I - when I - well, when I masturbate - I think about Kelly, and how she would let me - she would let me..."
Oh God, he sounded so emotional.
I asked, "Are you okay?"
He said, "Nina - I really want you to hear this, Please."
I meekly said, "Okay."
He looked at me, and I could tell he was collecting his thoughts. I cared so much for Mr. Kay, and - right then - I was worried he may start to cry.
Then he said, "You know how much I loved Kelly."
"Yes, I know."
"This is hard for me to say..."
"Please Mr. Kay."
He spoke cautiously and slow, "When we - We would - Before we would make love together, she would let me - well, she would encourage me to - I would - I would gently trace the edge of her bra."
I asked, "You would?"
I was surprised, I mean - This sounded so modest and sweet.
"Yes, I thought is was so - satisfying."
Then I sort of smiled, and said, "I guess that makes sense."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean that - what you are saying - sounds - well - SO pretty and tender - So please - go on - Please..."
I cautiously asked, "You would trace the edge of her bra, like - with your finger tip?"
"Well, yes. But - It was more that, well - I mean - I would just appreciate it - it was just so beautiful."
"You said, that - she encouraged you. What did you mean?"
"Well, she knew how much I enjoyed it."
I asked, "How would she - well - encourage you?"
"Kelly was really quiet person, but she would just - well - ask me nicely."
"You mean, she would ask you, and you would trace it with your finger, like along the edge of the fabric of her bra?"
"Well, yes - I mean - I would start that way."
"You mean you would trace the straps of her bra, like around her back too?"
"Oh my god - yes, as slowly and gently as I could."
I paused and thought to myself for a moment, I think Mr. Kay could tell I was visualizing this in my mind. His wife Kelly was a beautiful woman, and she had a really lovely figure. I remember as a little girl thinking that her breasts were pretty, and she must have looked really lovely wearing just her bra.
I understood why this would be exciting for him.
And then I said, "Mr. Kay, that sounds really sweet."
Mr. Kay whispered, "Oh God, I loved it - so much."
"I think I understand - I mean, I'm sure she loved it too -
"She did - she loved it - But I was - well - it wasn't ..."
Mr. Kay sounded nervous and confused, and it almost scared me. He was suddenly breathing harder, and he was shaking.
I tried to calm him down, "Oh Mr. Kay, don't be scared. Please, it sounds like a really sweet and tender..."
It was so strange, for Mr. Kay to share this with me, something SO intimate, but it felt SO good for me, and I was trying to be supportive.
He sounded fearful as he said, "The memory is so - haunted."
I wanted so badly to calm him down, "No - Mr. Kay - Please - it sounds like it would be really nice, the feeling - the gentle feeling."
He spoke in a shaky voice, "It's more - but..."
I looked at him and asked, "But what?"
He took a deep breath, and he seemed to settle down a little.
He whispered, "That's how it started."
"I don't understand?
He paused and thought for a moment and I sensed the seriousness of what he was trying to share.
And then he cautiously asked, "Nina, are you sure you want me to tell you?"
"Yes - please, I want to hear this."
He took a deep breath, and I could feel my heart beating faster.
I whispered a desperate, "Pleeeease..."
"Okay, Kelly would leave her bra and panties on, because she knew how much I liked it - how much - I loved it - how beautiful - the way she looked."
"And - I would be - be naked..."
With that I flinched a little.
He asked, "Oh God - Should I stop?"
I begged, "No, I want to hear this - Please."
Mr. Kay is really fit. He's tall and healthy, and I was suddenly - in my mind - visualizing him being naked, and my heart was pounding.
He said, "First - I would trace her bra, the thin little straps - all along her back - with my fingertips."
"Go on, please..."
"Then, after that, and Kelly would encourage me, I would - I would..."
"I would - she would let me - I would gently trace her bra, with my..."
"Please Mr. Kay."
And then he said, "She would roll over, and I would - on her back - and - would encourage me - sort of beg me - and I - I was naked - and I would gently trace her bra - with the tip of my - of my penis."
He looked right at me, and he confessed, "Oh god - Nina, it was so beautiful - I loved it."
The room was suddenly hushed with an emotional silence.
He whispered, "And then - I would slowly trace the rest her bra, the same way - with my penis - and she would watch me..."
He just looked at me with his big sad eyes. I was somehow electrified that he was entrusting something so intimate with me - his baby sitter. I had no idea what he was thinking.
I was suddenly awash with insecurities, like he had told me TOO much. My heart was pounding, and I was scared.
He saw it in me, and whispered, "Oh God, Nina - I'm sorry - I didn't mean to say..."
I interrupted, "No, please."
Then he looked at me and I could tell he was concerned about me, that he had crossed some line.
'Nina - I'm sorry."
I said, "Oh my god - Mr. Kay. What you said - about Kelly - it - it sounds so beautiful."
"It was beautiful. I loved it."
We sat there, on the edge of the bed together, and he was holding me close with his arm around me.
Everything was hushed and quiet.
Mr. Kay sat up a little and he moved slightly. Then I felt his hand on my shoulder, and he was cautiously pulling the edge of my nightgown away from my neck.
And I looked at him and watched, as he carefully looked at my pale skin along my shoulder. The strap of my bra, now exposed - just a few inches, as it lay across my shoulder. I watched as he tenderly caressed it with his fingertip.
I was instantly overwhelmed with his soft touch along the thin strap of my bra. It made it made my whole body tingle. I was feeling - really feeling - his attention and it was almost mystical.
My whole body shivered.
And he spent a long time, focused only on this tiny bit of my bra strap along my freckled shoulder. I was visibly shaking from the sensations.
Eventually, he whimpered a loving, "Oh Nina, this is so beautiful."
What happened next felt like a dream, and I don't understand it exactly.
I was moving in slow motion. I stood up next to the bed, and I looked at Mr. Kay. The moment didn't seem real, it felt like a hallucination. Then, I cautiously lifted my nightgown over my head, and let it fall to the floor.
I stood before him in just my bra and panties. I was really confused, it was embarrassing, but I felt like I needed to do it, to help Mr. Kay.
Then I was back on the bed, sitting next to Mr. Kay. I was awkwardly trying to cover myself, the front of my little bra with my hands.
We sat for a moment like that, and he looked so vulnerable.
I nervously asked, "Can I - please - lay down?"
And the next thing I knew, I was lying there, on the bed, on my tummy, with Mr. Kay next to me.
I didn't understand, but it was so overwhelming. There was such a dream like sort of slow motion to everything, like it was premeditated.
And I took a deep breath.
The next thing I felt was Mr. Kay's warm fingertips on my back, as he touched my bra strap. At first I was a little bit startled, but then I realized how gentle and calming his touch was, and how much it settled me down.
I was on my tummy, and he carefully traced his fingertip along the white straps of my bra across my back, and the feelings just made tingles run up and down my spine. It was magical. I was transfixed by the sensations of his gentle touch on my back.