Hitchhiker's Guide To Men Ch. 02

Suck his dick, play with his balls, make him a sandwich and don't talk so much -- Dave Chappelle

We want to eat, we want to sleep and we want to see a woman nekkid -- Jeff Foxworthy

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments. -- Chris Rock

Feed me, fuck me, shut the fuck up! -- Chris Rock

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I came across both the Hitchhiker's Guide to Women and the Guide to Men and felt I had to elaborate a bit on the male perspective as well as to offer a retort, which may or may not have been covered in the first installment of the guide to men. While it made certain valid points, it did not cover some of the things that I, for one, would like to have had discussed.

I'll begin with the principle differences in the way a man looks at a woman as opposed to the way a man thinks a woman looks at him. Men in general view women as more materialistic than men when it comes to choosing our mates, therefore males try to have the flashiest clothes, cars, jewelry, etc. It reflects on how men try to solve problems that may arise with the opposite sex as well.

The best way a man knows that he can perhaps patch things up with his other half is through gifts and praises. Men assume that ALL women are sensitive and emotionally needy, though some are, but that is where the praise comes in as well. The funny thing is that from what I gather from women, they think that we are emotionally needy as well, requiring tons of ego stroking. There is plenty of stroking that is appreciated, however it's not ego.

So how does that lead to problems between the sexes? A man sees no problems shelling out twenty five dollars for a dozen roses, another ten dollars for a box of chocolates and maybe another five for balloons, in exchange for not sleeping on the couch. The problem then becomes why THOSE flowers or why THOSE chocolates which becomes disheartening because, trust me ladies, if the guy messed up it probably isn't as big of a deal as you are making it out to be. This coming from a male perspective of course.

How can I make such a statement you ask? It's simple. The fact that men have different needs than women doesn't exactly mean that he doesn't care about your feelings of about you. And it always seems like it's about you doesn't it? He forgot MY birthday ergo he doesn't care about ME. He doesn't want to go watch Bambi together therefore he doesn't care about ME. Men simply don't think that way. Men forget to call their buddies on their birthdays all the time. Men don't care.

"Yo, man, my birthday was yesterday. Did you forget?"

"Oh sorry, dude, I was banging Gina you know how it is. Happy belated birthday."

"Thanks."

And that is how a realistic conversation about the topic between men go. Maybe I over did it with the Gina bit, but the point is the same. Forgetting your birthday is not a personal attack on YOU. Neither is wanting to hang out with "the boys" one night a week (three or four if you are a teenage guy). Sure I can understand the frustration of nobody remembering your birthday and sure I can understand that the dingy pizzeria he likes sucks, but let's compare the alternative.

Not remembering your birthday can be upsetting though not that big of a deal. Choosing to be with his friends over you on a particular day means he wants to play football, Xbox, Dungeons & Dragons or even to drink and talk about girls. Huh? He is talking about Me to his friends? If you are lucky he won't be talking about you. What guy, other than an excited teen who just lost his virginity, would want all his buddies to know how well you sword swallow or how tight your ass is? Then he might not have any friends.

But seriously what if YOU went and did some of those things with him? Chances are none of his friends will take kindly to having a girl on their team who they can't tackle that hard. So obviously you, the girlfriend, are not invited. I am sure you are asking yourself what if you come as an observer? That can certainly work, but how long can you watch a boring game between six friends who are not all that skilled anyway? If they were playing for Notre Dame then I am sure you would watch him play all day long. Other than that I believe once is enough.

"Well, I am a cool girl, his friends like me, I can hang out with them."

No you can't. That you have hung out with "the boys" doesn't mean you are appreciated there unless other girlfriends are there too. Buddy time is buddy time and yes sometimes it means having discussions about other girls. Don't forget, ladies, that we assume that you are all liars when it comes to not talking about or looking at other guys. We assume you do that with your girlfriends as well.

Speaking of liars that brings me to a huge problem that the sexes seem to disagree on. Women say men lie more, men say women tell bigger lies. Whatever. Both sexes lie about different things all the time.

Lie #1

"Does this dress make me look fat?"

"No."

"Am I prettier than my best friend?"

"Yes."

I noticed that Yodafurball used those and I am sure that virtually every male has gotten in trouble over those questions at one point in his life. Why? Is there a universal book that is passed around prepubescent girls on "What question to ask that will piss you off at your boyfriend"? Seriously why do females ask this question? It's a no win situation for us and can be completely avoided. Then you have men that take that and turn it around.

"Deep down inside women WANT to be lied to."

Yes, ladies, a lot of men feel that way, yet they will never admit it to you. Don't bother asking your boyfriend if he agrees with that because if he does, and knows what's best for him, he will lie and say I am a jerk for writing such nonsense. How can we resolve this problem? Don't ask would be the smart choice. Another choice would be to ask and deal with the truth without telling him how he is a premature ejaculator or making references to his penis and a cheeto in the same sentence. It's one of those things that men don't know the answer to and never will I feel.

On the subject of penis size, this if probably where men are the most insecure. Men don't care if their hairstyle went out of style with the Beatles. The simple fact that he HAS hair is a good thing. A beer gut adds character. Men are so secure in their sexual appeal that all women of all ages and races would sleep with them. Nothing stands in their way! Until we discuss penis size.

Men, as well as women, have this fixation with that part of the anatomy but for different reasons. Women I think only concentrate on it because that is where it hurts the most, figurative and literally. There isn't a single weak spot on either gender that can come close to causing that kind of physical and psychological damage as a jab to the nether region. But why? What is it about this organ that can make or break a relationship at the mere discussion of it?

There is no greater satisfaction than knowing you are the largest penis your woman has ever seen(pun intended). Who cares if she thought you were a lousy lay? You are huge! Or so you thought. On one fateful day you actually took a ruler out to your penis only to discover that you are well below the studly 8 inches you thought. What's worse is that you are barely even average! Does that mean that your girlfriend has only seen two dicks in her life, and thank goodness for you, the other guy belongs in the hermaphrodite category? Or was she lying to you?I suspect it is the latter.

That's rather curious because by now it would appear that men need to be lied to as well. What man can stomach the fact that his girlfriends last boyfriend can give Ron Jeremy a run for his money? Men are insecure about their penis size for reasons unknown and it has been known to create problems which women can and will exploit. I am sure every man has chuckled when a girl they like talks about their last boyfriend and says the immortal words, "He had a little dick anyway." Bitterness for sure since it didn't seem to be much of a problem in the three years that she was with "Mr mini bite".

So we both tell each other little "white" lies from time to time to keep the sanctity of our home. Should we? If it means not sleeping on the couch then most men would say "yes" and we get to the point that he HAVE to lie. I know some people don't want to view something like this as lying but it is. Plain and simple. Ladies, until you get over this insecurity issue that I believe most have, you are forcing men to get used to lying to you. It forms a problem in other areas too.

The big O. Or to be more direct; orgasms. Faking an orgasm is counterproductive and gives the man the false impression that he is somehow inadequate. Another case of lying to keep the sanctity? I am afraid so. But honestly, I don't think that men are as sensitive about this issue as many women would like to think. Faking an orgasm to make him feel better? More often than not we can't even tell nor do we care so why lie about it? Most of us already know that there are a certain percentage of women that simply can't orgasm through sex so we also understand that it's not us. We don't take it so personal. Again this illustrates one of the major differences between men and women.

Stop taking everything personal, ladies. We don't hate you. Having a pimple on your ass one day will NOT prevent us from enjoying sex with you. Having your hair uncombed will not prevent us from any sexual activity. Can you just picture it?

"No, honey, I don't want a blowjob because your hair is a mess!"

Or how about.

"You have a pimple on your ass so I will NOT eat your pussy."

Can you imagine most men saying anything that moronic? However, to the ladies that actually have heard something like that from a male I say dump him. And fast. No sense in wasting your time with a superficial individual that probably is privileged to be with you because he might have nice teeth or have a nice car. There are certain things that as women I think you should overlook and that is not one of them.

What things should you overlook? If it's simple it probably means a lot more to you than it does to us I can assure you. Leaving the toilet seat up, for instance. Have you ever heard of a guy saying, "Why the hell did you leave the toilet seat down when you know I have to take a piss?" If the seat is down we put it up and vice versa without incident. If the man leaves the seat up all hell breaks loose and for what? Leaving the toilet seat up is not a personal attack on you as a woman or human being.

Then we get to the phone business. The reason why we don't use the phone as often or as much is because typically our conversations are strictly the facts. Who, what, where and why. No man is interested in his buddy telling him that he went to the store to buy a piece to the car but stayed there extra long because his mind was on the fact that he could not get it up last night and it has cause him irreparable damage to his psyche. We don't do that and to that I say men are insensitive to a woman's needs; Menstruation.

Mood swings, bloated stomach, feeling unattractive, acne and an overwhelming sense of blah for three to five days each and ever month is something that a man CAN'T empathize with. You can tell us about it and we can kinda understand, but we can't get it. It's physically impossible to put a man in those conditions because they don't exist. As far as we know it's all simply an excuse to be a bitch. That's the male perspective.

There are still deep rooted primitive frame of minds that as civilized members of the 21st century we have yet to shed. For instance, males are the dominant of the species with the bigger one always getting the lions share of the food, therefore the bigger and stronger the man the better he will be able to provide for the family and the reverse is true as well. A woman with big child bearing hips and a big ass will not have complications during childbirth. Also big tits are a sign of fertility.

So while men are only interested in the big "important" things women are more interested in the "details" of things. Traditionally that has always been true, but in today's ever changing society the gender gap is slowly narrowing. Now we have nonsense such as metrosexual. Metrosexual? What the hell is up with that nonsense? A man can't comb his hair without being labeled something other than a heterosexual male? Again, a primitive frame of mind. The man works and toils to provide for the family therefore he is "supposed" to be rugged all the time.

Men are not complicated at all for the most part and it's a mystery to me why women can't figure us out. The phrases at the beginning of this essay are for the most part so true. Men are direct in what they want and need. "I'm cold" is not a hint for the girl to give us a sweater. We don't drop hints. We don't hang up on you "to see if she will call me back". That's childish to most and I think most men will agree with me on that. We don't slam the door and leave the house. "to see if she will run after me" If we slam the door we are leaving. Period.

Now we get to chivalry and why it should stay dead. This one irks me the most as a man. After women's lib and the bra burning we have to hear how women want to be treated equal, same jobs, same money, etc, but still want to be treated like a "lady"? Am I missing something here? For those of you that don't know, let me pose and example. All things being equal do you still expect the guy to open the door for you? Why? How about offer to pay for dinner regardless of who makes more money? If the woman makes more money than we do, a very realistic scenario in this day and age, then why do we still have to "treat her like a lady" and pay for the bill? It's a double standard that men are not too happy with.

Nice guys finish last. How often have we hear that one? Too often because the sad reality is that it is true. A "nice" guy is viewed as a pussy by most men and I fear that women agree though they won't admit to it. There is no such thing as TOO nice, ladies, unless you are deep in that liberation movement that you view it as a man treating you as a "lady" and not as a person. Then again, there is always that line as an excuse because you simply are not attracted to the guy. "You are nice, let's just be friends." Guys, take the hint and don't ask her out again, she doesn't like you.

So in closing, ladies, I would like to offer ten tips that will greatly improve your understanding of men and hopefully improve your relationship.

1. We are not really interested in how many guys you dated, who had the bigger penis, or how you learned how to sword swallow so well. We are pretty sure you learned it from another guy, but we don't need to confirm it. Ex-boyfriends should stay in the past where they belong. Along the same lines don't call our penises "cute".

2. Being sexy is a wonderful thing unless you play up to the attention. If every Tom Dick and Harry is letting us know that he can't wait to "play hide the salami with that tight ass" it can get rather old. We are already upset that a man is disrespecting us we don't need you to add to it.

3. Stop dropping hints. If you are hungry, say you are hungry and mean it. Nothing is more annoying that saying, "I feel like a cheesecake" only to have us offer to take you out and for you to say, "aw, that's so sweet! I don't really want one I just wanted to see if you would get me one" A knuckle sandwich is perfect right about now.

4. Men are not perfect and neither are you. Every time we do something and you say, "That was nice, BUT you fucked something up" only tells us that you could have done better. And our thinking is, "Why the hell didn't YOU do it in the first place?" If a man does something considerate even if it's cliche and you come up with a line like that, rest assured it will be the last time we do it.

5. Stop being so critical of yourselves. We love you how you are. Do not remind us at every turn that you don't feel sexy because you gained some weight or you are having a bad hair day. We don't care. Now that's not an excuse to completely let yourself go, but you have to understand that you are still you. If I fucked you in the first place chances are that I actually like you how you are. I don't secretly stare at the mole on your left butt cheek and wish I had a girl without one.

6. If we told you "I love you" once it doesn't need to be repeated ad naseum. I don't understand what this obsession is with us having to tell you those three words all the time. If we love you today we probably will love you tomorrow. Stop being so insecure.

7. If we don't call you back after an argument don't take it personally. Our thinking is that we don't want to make a bigger mess of things and are hoping to catch you when you cool off. No sense in hearing how much of a failure you are for three more hours.

8. Dates are just dates and the pressure of being obligated to do something special other than your birthday(or anniversary) is not as important to us. The first time we kissed, had sex, met your parents and not that important. The fact that we kissed, had sex or actually met your parents is enough for us. That we may forget your birthday, among all dates, is not the end if the world. It's a bit disappointing, but should not be blown out of proportion. Just remind him the day before or something if you want to do something nice. Come to think of it, do we really need a "special" day to do something nice for our other half?

9.If we nod a lot when you are talking this does not mean that we are not listening and I can't stress this enough. We ARE listening, however we are not interested in the window dressing. We want the facts and are blocking out certain elements of the story so that we don't get side tracked from what you were saying in the first place. We don't have the hormonal changes to able to truly understand the feelings surrounding any particular event. The less feelings and the more facts to a story would be better received by men.

10. Stop being so insecure!

There you have it. It's a bit crude in spots, but pretty accurate as to how most of the guys that you come across will think. Yes there are exceptions, but then it would not be so much fun writing an essay like this.