I Carry It In My HeartbyWriterMonkey©
Author's Note: I wrote this about nine months ago and back then I thought it was the best thing ever! Looking back on it now I accept that it's actually pretty shit, but in a weird way I'm still proud of it. I hope you enjoy it!
I'm looking forward to sharing some of my more recent work with you.
I was sat cross legged on my parents sofa with my macbook on my lap (yes I did spend my student loan responsibly, thanks for asking) with one earphone in listening to The Fray. Three of my friends were sat in the room with me, I was only half listening to the conversation, something about one of the boys on Lauren's English Lit course, if I had to guess (and I do) I'd say a week, two, tops before she was sat in that self same seat cursing this boy's name.
'What is it with vampires any way?' shouted Claire slamming her laptop shut in disgust, 'Every other book in the young adult section is a crappy Twilight knock off.'
'There's nothing wring with Twilight.' Lauren said, she sounded almost offended.
'Yes there is, there's plenty wrong with Twilight.' Claire said, I didn't pay much attention to the rest of the argument.
I glanced at the wallpaper on my macbook screen, it was a picture of two people in the grip of their first love. A short(ish) blonde girl with blue eyes either side of a cute button nose, her full lips split into a smile, she had her arm around a guy who was about six inches taller than her with dark brown hair expertly styled to make it look like he had put no effort into it (ironic then that he probably spent 10 minutes in front of a mirror fixing it). He had dark brown eyes, eyes you could get lost in, his lips wore a permanently pouty expression, his arm was stretched into the corner of the frame holding the camera. He was called Andrew Thorne, and he was my boyfriend.
'Okay Jenn, that's great.' I said as I pressed the shutter button of my Nikon DSLR, the world momentarily flashed white as the studio flashes fired illuminating Jenn perfectly. I checked the screen on my camera to see how the picture turned out, her long blonde hair framed her face, her green eyes glinted from the studio lights, her red lips parted ever so slightly so you could see just a hint of her teeth. She had on a black bra barely covering her 28 D breasts and a short black skirt that stopped just above the knee. 'That's great, Jenn.' I said.
'So Andy,' she said, 'the pictures turning out okay?'
'Yeah, Jenn, they're great.' I said.
She started unzipping her skirt as I raised the viewfinder to my eye ready to take another shot, once again the world exploded as the strobes fired, I took a second to look at the shot, when I looked up from the camera screen I saw Jenn, inches away from me.
'So, mr photographer, anything I could do that will improve my chances of getting in the magazine?'
I put the camera down on the table behind me and put my hands round her waist, 'I can think of one or two things.' I said.
I slid my hands down until they were cupping her ass, and oh my God was it a nice ass! She pressed her lips to mine, we parted our lips simultaneously and I started my tongue exploring hers. I slid my hands up her back and unclasped her bra, she backed up an inch to let the tiny garment fall to the floor. I dipped my head down and started kissing her neck, she moaned and said, 'and what would those one or two things be?'
'Use your imagination.' I said moments before I bit her neck.
She gasped and slid her hands down to my belt buckle. She fumbled with it for a second as I moved my attention to her breasts, she had small, pink nipples, right now they were harder than I'd ever seen them. I ran my tongue around her nipples in tight circles, enjoying the gasping sounds she was making. She slid her hand inside my boxer shorts as my jeans fell to the floor, she ran her nails lightly down my length. I stopped licking her nipples and moaned quietly, she slid her other hand into my underwear and started rubbing my balls.
'Christ, Jenn.' I said.
Jenn was wearing a black silk thong, and right now I wanted nothing more than to see it on the floor. I slid it off, Jenn stepped out of it as it hit the floor, massaging my dick the entire time. I placed my hand gently on her pussy, she was sopping wet. I started rubbing small circles on her clit with my thumb while I ran my middle two fingers up and down her slit. She pressed her lips to mine forcefully before she started moaning. She started grinding her her pussy against my fingers, I'd been working with her enough to know the signs. She wanted them inside her, naturally I obliged. I knew exactly where Jenn's g-spot was and the moment I pushed my fingers into her tight wet pussy I guided them to it. She said my name twice before the moaning became too intense for her to speak. There is no sexier sound than a girl's orgasm, and I enjoyed every second of Jenn's.
When she regained enough composure to stand without me holding her I pushed her against the table my camera was sat on, I planted one hand on her shoulders and bent her over. I took off my boxer shorts and pressed the tip of my penis against her pussy.
'This is no time to be gentle, Andrew, fuck me properly.' She said.
'Your wish is my command.' I said before I plunged all eight of my inches into her.
The sun was shining in a cloudless blue sky (which in Coventry is a rarity) making the town centre uncomfortably hot, we were shopping for clothes for my date that night, I hate clothes shopping.
'Oh look at those shoes.' Lauren said as we walked past the window of New Look, she veered off like an entranced magpie towards the sparkly shoes.
'But they're so shiny.'
'Exactly,' I said and kept on walking.
'You'll look sexy as hell in them, Andy won't be able to keep his hands off you.'
'We're only going to the cinema.' I said trying (and failing) to sound nonchalant.
'So you think tonight might be the night?' Lauren said whilst making loving eye contact with a pair of red high healed shoes. She was referring of course, to the fact that I was still a virgin. It wasn't as if I'd led a sheltered life, I knew the mechanics of it, I knew how it all worked, I just hadn't met the right guy yet. Though part of me thought Andrew was the right guy.
'Lauren, how old are we?'
'20,' she replied still flirting with those shoes.
'Exactly, so act like a grown up, that's what this is, a grown up relationship.'
She got her purse out of her handbag and flicked through the small collection of notes and sighed.
'How much are you short?' I asked, getting increasingly frustrated with my friend.
'Twenty pounds,' she said. My phone started vibrating saving me from having to tell my friend that she was having to go without the shoes.
we still on for tonight?
My heart skipped a beat when I read the word love. I hastily typed out my reply
Wouldn't miss it for the world
'Lauren, I need a break from shopping, wanna get a coffee?'
'Not especially' she said.
'Lauren, you can't have the shoes.' I said, trying my best not to sound as pissed off as I felt.
I walked away from the shop window, with Lauren two of three steps behind me from having said good bye to the shoes. Coventry was crowded, people going about their daily lives barely aware of each other, so self absorbed. Trying to avoid having my shoulder taken off by a single mum or group of teenagers too busy to take notice of other people was like a living breathing slalom course. I was glad when we reached the cafe, there was a woman in the corner reading some trashy romance novel that a couple of months ago I would have wanted to make fun of her for, but since meeting Andy, I dunno, they didn't seem so far fetched any more.
'A medium cappuccino please.' I said to the vacuous looking girl behind the counter.
'Three twenty five please,' she said, she sounded as vacuous as she looked.
There was a man in the corner with his laptop on the table chewing his glasses and tapping away on his keyboard, making a big show of being a writer, no one seemed to be impressed.
'Lucy' Lauren said staring intently at her drink,
'How serious are you and Andy?'
'I dunno, why?'
'I've heard stuff, just rumours I guess, but erm...'
'What, what have you heard?'
'I think he might be cheating on you.'
'No he wouldn't do that to me.'
I sat in silence watching the clock slowly tick away the seconds, Paul was perfectly content to wait, he knew I'd talk soon, it was his job I guess. I heard his pen scratching away on his clipboard, he could have been playing naughts and crosses for all I knew, but it was chipping away at my nerves.
'I cheated on Lucy,' I said, the words tripping over themselves in their rush to escape my mouth.
'Again?' he said peering over his glasses.
'No need to rub it in.' I said.
'Why?' He asked.
I grabbed a tissue from the box on the table and started tearing it into small squares just so my hands had something to do other than wrap them selves round my throat.
'I dunno,' I finally said. He put the clipboard down on his lap and folded his arms, waiting for me to say more, I went back to staring at the clock, determined to wait him out. 'Well say something.' I shouted, I was furious but not at him, at myself.
'What do you want me to say?' he asked retaining his calm, which annoyed me even more. I started working my way through another tissue.
'I don't know, tell me it wasn't my fault, or explain why I did it, isn't that your job?'
'My job is to help you get better, Andy, not to tell you what you want to hear, those two are often mutually exclusive.'
We sat in silence for a while longer before I said, 'I love her, I really do.' He didn't say anything, I could feel my eyes welling up. 'Talk to me, tell me I'm not a horrible person.' I said, almost shouting, he said nothing. 'I don't want this relationship to go any further.' I said after a long silence
'I thought you said you loved Lucy.'
'I do, but that's the thing, last time I was in love with some one she ended up in bed with someone else.'
'And you think Lucy will do the same?'
I dabbed the tissue at the corner of my eyes, 'No, she's not like that.'
'Then what's the problem?'
I got up, the tissue still clenched in my hand. 'I don't bloody know, that's why I'm talking to you, it's your job to tell me what's wrong with me, if I knew I wouldn't need to come to you would I?'
I walked out the office door and tried to slam it behind me, it was one of those slow closing ones diminishing the impact of my exit somewhat. I'd lit a cigarette by the time I reached the reception desk, an officious cow named Julia said 'You're not allowed to smoke in here you know.'
I pushed open the front door so hard it bounced off the wall and into my arm. 'I'm not inside any more am I.' I said as I slammed the door. My already bruising arm wished it was one of those slow closing ones. I leant against the wall and took a long drag on the cigarette, it was better than a million sessions with Paul, less healthy though.
We were laid in bed together, half naked and half conscious, he had his right arm wrapped around me, my head was resting on his chest, rising and falling in time with his breathing or legs knitted together so that you could barely tell where I stopped and he began. He had a book of poetry in his left hand.
'And this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart, I carry your heart I carry it in my heart.' He said, slowly, methodically, each word measured and carefully spoken, it was so romantic. I could have laid here for weeks, poetry and passion, it was heaven, sadly my parents would be home tomorrow, so weeks wasn't really an option. It was raining (good old British weather back to normal), there was a gentle pitter patter of the rain drumming on the roof, it was hypnotic, 'I'll be back in a second.' he said as he got up and headed to the bathroom.
I laid there rereading the poem that Andy had read me, I heard a buzzing from somewhere on the floor, I got up and tried to find the its source, it was coming from Andy's jeans. 'Hey Andy, you've got a text,' I shouted, I pulled the phone out of his pocket, 'Andy, who is Jenn?' I asked seeing the name on the screen. I pressed the open button, 'and why the hell is she calling you gorgeous and saying how great the other night was?' He walked into my bedroom, he looked like the wind had been knocked out of him, trust me, at that point I wanted to knock a whole lot more out of him than wind.
'Lucy, it's not what it looks like.' He walked over to the bed and put his hand on my shoulder.
I pushed him away, 'What is it then? If it's not you shagging someone behind my back then what is it?' I was shouting, tears streaming down my face, he slumped against the wall, his arms folded. 'I swear to God, Andy, tell me the truth or I will never believe another word you say.'
He slid down the wall until he was sat on the floor, 'Alright it's exactly what it looks like, but-'
I threw his phone at him 'Get out.'
'Lucy please.' I grabbed hold of his jeans and threw them at him too, 'I said get out.'
I threw his book out of the window and then threw myself down onto my bed, I buried my head in my pillow and cried.
'She found out.' I said to Paul, I couldn't be bothered to play the usual waiting games with him, this wasn't even an appointment I just needed to talk to some one who wouldn't judge me, or at least wouldn't tell me he was judging me. I was laid down on the floor of his office behind the coffee table, I didn't want to sit on the chair opposite him, I didn't want him to see me when I was telling him this. It was like confessions my parents used to make me go to as a kid, me pouring my soul out and expecting to be damned to hell for it, except this time I actually cared about what I'd done. I didn't wear this as a boyish badge of honour like I did when I was telling the priest about how I'd given some one a black eye or stole a bottle of my parents wine. 'I didn't think I was good enough for her when we started seeing each other, this just confirms it.' He was waiting again, letting me draw the poison from the wound. 'Maybe on some level I always wanted her to find out, so she'd finish with me. She's worth so much more than me.'
I got up and opened a window, I lit a cigarette and stuck my head out of the window to smoke it, 'You know, you're not allowed to smoke in here.'
'I'm not, I am quite clearly smoking outside.' I said, the rain extinguished the cigarette, I tried to relight it and failed, I flicked it out the window and shut it again. 'What am I going to do?'
'Move on?' He suggested, I started pacing the office.
'Not exactly the answer I was hoping for.'
'Does she know about the counselling? The medication?'
'Of course not.'
'Because no one does.'
I threw myself down into the chair, 'because it's pathetic, it's weak.'
'That's how I rationalised it too.'
'You suffer from depression?'
'I did, four years ago. Andrew, don't lock your self away with this.'
I wasn't listening to him, I decided, I needed to tell Lucy, even if she wouldn't forgive me (God knows, I wouldn't have) I had to try.
The rain was hammering down outside bouncing up to the knees of the single most devoted jogger in the world as he splashed his way through the same route he took every day. My parents were upstairs unpacking, I didn't tell them what had happened, but I think they knew something was up. I was talking to Lauren over Skype, and by talking to I mean listening to her inane rambling, she was trying to keep my mind off Andy, I appreciated the thought, but the execution was somewhat lacking. There was a knock at the door 'Get that Lucy,' my dad shouted from upstairs, that knock was outside world, I was trying hard to shut it out, there was another knock 'Lucy.' He shouted. I put my macbook on the sofa next to me and left Lauren to her one sided conversation, I walked through to the front door and wrestled with the temperamental lock.
He was soaked, his usually styled hair was flat, water streaming down off it, his shirt was stuck to his chest, I went to shut the door, he pushed it back open, 'Lucy, let me say my piece, please.'
'You're not coming in.'
'What's the matter, Andrew, did I not satisfy you, do I not make you happy?'
'No, you don't,' he said. I felt a flash of rage and tried to slam the door shut, he pushed it back open again. 'When I'm with you I want to be more than myself, you make me see all my flaws because I know you deserve better than me. For the past year I have been in therapy, sabotaging practically every aspect of my life, and when I'm with you I...' He paused, searching for the right words, 'You make me want to try. You make me want to be better than I am.'
'That's good and all, but if that's true why were you sleeping with someone behind my back?' I wanted to invite him in, if for no other reason than because pretty soon he would get hypothermia.
'I thought if I didn't try to make things work with you it won't hurt as bad when I failed.'
I stood there looking at him, he was soaking wet and shivering, I think he was crying but it was hard to tell.
'Lucy, I love you and I really think we could have something amazing, if you can just forgive me for being a gigantic tosser.'
'I wouldn't say gigantic exactly, huge maybe, but not gigantic.' He smiled, that cute half smile that attracted me to him in the first place. 'Andy, why didn't you tell me?'
'I'm not exactly proud of my status as a walking disaster.' I wanted to grab him and not let go, 'Lucy, I don't mean to be pushy, but if you're past the stage where you want to kill me can I please come in? It's a little wet out here.'
I stepped back from the door, he walked into the hall and kissed me, his fingers running through my hair, I was now just as soaked as he was, I didn't care. His kiss was incredible, he parted my lips with his and started gently massaging my tongue with his. My arms linked behind his neck, his slid down to my hips. In my head there was a little version of me jumping up and down screaming about how what he did was unforgivable, about how he'd broken our trust. I shut her up when he moved one hand to the small of my back and slid the other up into my hair.
'Lucy,' he said in the brief moments his lips were free, 'I'm so sorry, you have no idea.'
'Andy,' I said, he silenced me with a kiss, then pulled back so he could carry on talking.
'I fucked up, I know I did, but I will do anything to prove how sorry I am, how much you mean to me.'
I wanted nothing more at that second than to feel his lips on mine again, so I said, 'Andy, just shut up.' For a second he looked horrified, then I kissed him.
'At least shut the bloody door.' My dad said as he walked down the stairs.