Imagine If Christmas Was Different

Here we are at the precipice of, yet, another happy holiday season and, after so many of us have looked forward to and experienced the excitement of Christmas as children, we had the fun and the joy of buying toys for our children, and, later, were allowed to spoil our grandchildren with generous gifts. Now that we are older and mired neck deep in a poor economy that threatens to ruin the holiday for too many of us, a holiday season that used to be fun, has suddenly become a tiresome chore, a needless expense, and an inconvenient burden.

If only things were different during the crazy holidays. What would that be like? Would it be better? What do you think? Let's see.

Instead of not going near the mall during the Christmas season and choosing the convenience of buying everything Online or just giving money with a Christmas card, what if you truly enjoyed shopping in a massive Christmas crowd?

"Isn't the electric energy of this huge throng of pushing and shoving people exciting, while hoping to get the last Elmo, Barbie, Cabbage Patch Doll, Hannah Montana, caster board, Nintendo Wii, Apple iPod Touch, Apps, Lamaze toys, robot dog, heated socks, and whatever? I just love the massive crunch of humanity, elbow to elbow, hip to hip, while fighting in a feverish frenzy over toys at the counter and vying to get the attention of the cashier. Hey, lady, I was here first. Oh, sorry, Ma."

Instead of watching Pop Warner, high school, college, and pro football games 24/7, what if you'd rather go Christmas shopping with your wife than drinking beer, eating chips, and watching sports on TV?

"Don't be silly, Honey. It's just a lousy playoff game. Trust me, they'll be others. What difference does it make, anyway? It isn't like this is the Super Bowl. One team wins and the other team loses. It never changes. It's always the same. I don't mind going shop 'till you drop Christmas shopping with you. It would be my pleasure. It will be fun. Let's shop for your shoes first. I'll bring a book with me, Tolstoy's War and Peace, to read, while you try on clothes. Here, take all my money and my credit cards, too."

"Thank you, Honey."

Instead of pretending you liked and re-gifting the gift received and not wanted, what if you really enjoyed the Christmas present you received and the person you bought a gift for really loved what you bought them?

"Thank you. This giant roll of double stick duct tape is exactly what I wanted. Only, I'm stuck. Help me pull my fingers from it."

"And I love what you bought me, too, a bright pink and neon orange, yellow striped scarf that actually glows in the dark. How fashionably thoughtful you are. This will go perfectly with my purple coat."

Instead of having to stand in a line that goes out the door and continues around the block, imagine not having to go to the return department the day after Christmas and having to argue with the customer service personnel about their lack of customer service.

"No more shopping for me, Honey, until next Christmas. I'm done. I'm happy with all my gifts and everything fits. I'll be home all day to help you with the chores around the house. What do you say we wax some floors and wash some windows?"

Instead of watching your wife wrap all the presents, what if you volunteered to help wrap.

"Hey, Doll, that's man's work. You go sit and put your feet up and I'll wrap the rest of the gifts."

"Yeah, gee, thanks for the help, now that all the gifts are wrapped, but for one, your gift."

Instead of watching your wife slave over a hot stove cooking the holiday meal and then sweat over a hot oven baking the dessert, what if you volunteered to help cook and bake.

"Oh, that's so sweet of you to volunteer to help me cook and bake. Thank you, Honey."

"Hey, no problem. Hello? Chinese take-out? Yeah, I'd like to order a complete holiday dinner with dessert."

Instead of being cash strapped and regretting all that you spent and could ill afford to spend, what if credit card companies put a moratorium on the interest they charged with no payments due, until after the holidays, but without charging you a jumbo interest penalty later.

"With a moratorium on interest and no payments due, we'll have this credit card paid down in no time and we'll be debt free."

Instead of having to pay the high food, gas, and utility prices, as their gift for the holidays, what if supermarkets gave you a free holiday meal, gas stations gave you a free tank of gas, and the electric, gas, phone, and cable companies gave you a free month of service for being a loyal customer and paying your bill on time throughout the year?

"Honey, Super Shop gave me us free turkey for Christmas and Abdul Abdulla down at the gas station gave me a free tank of gas and wished me a Merry Christmas, Infidel. I didn't know what to say to the terrorist-in-training, so I wished him that a camel never shits on his head. I left when he tried to set off his shoe bomb."

Instead of using it as a chock block for your car, what if you really liked Aunt Sally's fruitcake?

"Another piece of fruitcake, please. Only, give me a thicker slice this time and spread some of Aunt Sally's homemade marmalade on it, too. Yum."

Instead of complaining and dreading the holiday, imagine if it didn't bother you that the stores started decorating for Christmas...right after Halloween.

"Look, honey, Halloween candy is half price and Christmas lights are on sale."

Instead of being haunted by the aggravating song that endlessly played in your head, even when sleeping, imagine if you loved hearing and couldn't hear enough of Jose Feliciano singing Feliz Navadid?

"I downloaded that song, so that I can play it in the car every day, over and again, during my long commute to and from work. Feliz Navadid, I want to wish you a Merry Christmas. Feliz Navadid..."

Instead of sticking a for sale sign on your front lawn, locking all your doors, pulling the shades and the drapes closed, and not answering the phone, imagine if you really loved, liked even, all your relatives who not only came to your house during the holidays but also who wanted to stay overnight and (gulp) longer?

"Absolutely, Honey, your mother and your unemployed brother and his four kids are welcome here anytime and can stay as long as they want. My house is their house. There's plenty of beer in the fridge and I'll buy more, as soon as your lazy, shiftless brother drinks it all, within the hour."

Instead of telling the truth, lying, and pretending, imagine if your wife really didn't look fat in that horizontally stripped, red dress she bought for the Christmas party?

"Do I look fat in this?"

"Fat? Of course not, Honey. That red dress is slenderizing. It makes you look like you lost a hundred pounds."

Instead of being married to your fat wife in the horizontally stripped, red dress, imagine being married to a tall, beautiful blonde, with big tits, who was once a stripper, before she became a cheerleader for a pro football team, and who is now a nymphomaniac Rockette dancing at the Rockefeller Center Christmas show and who loves to swallow.

"I thought I'd wear my cheerleading outfit again tonight, Sugar, while dancing around the pole in our bedroom, before giving you your Christmas surprise, hot sex that culminates with an amazing blowjob."

"Again? You gave me that this morning and last night. Oh, never mind. Okay, yeah, sure, that sounds like fun. It is Christmas, after all."

Instead of missing them, wouldn't it be great if Bob Hope, Marilyn Monroe, Elvis, Michael Jackson, and Paul Newman were still alive and in good enough health to continue entertaining us?

"Did you see Marilyn Monroe on Bob Hope's Christmas special on TV last night? How the Hell old is she? Her tits were sagging down to her knees."

"Marilyn? What about Bob Hope? If he's a day, he's a 106. And what about Elvis trying to shake his hips and play the guitar, while hanging onto a walker?"

Instead of you hitting on your sister-in-law and getting kneed in the balls, bitch slapped, and ratted out to your wife, imagine if your sister-in-law propositioned you for sex during a drunken Christmas party.

"Would my favorite brother-in-law like a Christmas blowjob?"

"Well, okay, sure, why not, it is Christmas, after all."

Instead of you hitting on your mother-in-law and getting kneed in the balls, bitch slapped, and ratted out to your wife, imagine if your mother-in-law propositioned you for sex during a drunken family gathering.

"Would my favorite son-in-law like a Christmas blowjob?"

"Well, okay, sure, why not, it is Christmas, after all."

Instead of spending Christmas in jail again, imagine not being caught stealing that big screen TV from Wal-Mart.

"Let me give you a hand loading that TV in your car."

"Thank you, Officer, and Merry Christmas."

Instead of being ostracized from the community and having to register as a sex offender, imagine your wife's family and friends not being offended, but excited, by the Christmas card you sent them of yourself naked, and your wife thinking it funny.

"Your cock looks so big in this photo, Honey. Make sure you send a card to my Mom, my sister, and one to Aunt Sally."

Instead of you being such a dickhead and constantly and continually holding mistletoe over women's heads, while hoping for a kiss and copping a cheap feel, imagine women holding mistletoe over your head and really wanting to kiss you, while they groped your package with their free hand.

"French kiss me, this time, handsome."

"Mom, stop. Eww. Gross. Enough with the mistletoe."

Instead of having your fingers bitten off and spending your Christmas at the emergency ward and recovering during the holidays from reconstructive surgery, imagine your Pit Bull enjoying it when you dressed him up with antlers to take his photo.

"Good dog. Smile Killer. Now, let's get the Santa suit on you."

Instead of getting falling down drunk, imagine refusing alcohol during the holidays?

"No thank you, I've had quite enough to drink. One beer is more than enough for me."

Instead of crashing your car and being arrested for DWI with that transvestite hooker, again, imagine not needing a designated driver, after attending the company Christmas party.

"That apple cider eggnog was delicious. Now that I see you in the bright light, I don't think you're a woman. Sorry, but I'm rescinding my offer to drive you home. I'll give you cab fare, instead, Mister. You do have great tits, though."

Instead of having to ply her with drinks to get her drunk and being blamed for coercing her, disciplined for ruining the company Christmas party, and possibly fired, imagine beautiful and sexy Kathy from accounting willingly getting naked and dancing on the table at the office Christmas party, while you photographed her, before giving you a lap dance.

"She's not only good with numbers but also she has big tits. And she's such a good sport. What more could you ask from an employee? Shake those tits, Kathy."

Instead of hiding away from your family, imagine giving up watching sports, football, basketball, and hockey, from Thanksgiving, until after New Year's.

"Honey, don't be silly. I don't mind watching Gay House Design, Curb Appeal, and House Hunter on HGTV. I'd rather spend my time with you and the kids. Matter of fact, after we watch, Flip That House, let's play another rousing game of Monopoly. I have the race car. Who wants the dog token?"

Instead of making up the excuse that you have work to do at the office or must fly to Iraq on a special, secret, emergency spying mission for the President for the weekend, again, imagine enjoying spending more time with the wife and children, especially her children from her first marriage.

"It's great that your kids are home here with us on Christmas vacation, while your ex-husband is vacationing in Aruba with that beautiful, blonde bimbo with the big boobs and booty. Don't worry, Honey, I'll treat them, as if they are my own blood. Who wants fruitcake? And we have homemade marmalade, too."

Instead of hating them, being jealous of them, and wishing them ill will or wishing them a horribly painful death from cancer that rots their bodies from the inside out, sorry, I got carried away, imagine if there really was a Santa Claus and bankers, insurance executives, CEO's of car companies, and brokers from Wall Street investment firms didn't get a bonus because they were bad.

"Dear Santa, I promise to be good next year if you double my stock dividend throughout my entire portfolio, raise the price on my stock options just before I divest, give me a big bonus at year end, and promise me a golden parachute at the end of my career."

Instead of there only being one big guy to pray to, God, imagine if there was an intermediary and if there really was a Santa Claus.

"I know I asked you for these things before, when I was younger, but Santa, if you could give me a complete Topp's baseball card collection, a box of comic books from the '50's, and a pristine low mileage '67 red Corvette convertible with a 427, I'd really appreciate it."

Instead of only seeing little people at the mall during the Christmas season and/or when watching the Wizard of Oz, imagine if there were really elves.

"What happened to you? Are you okay? You look like shit."

"I went out with one of the elves last night. She said she was horny and hadn't had sex in a hundred years. Oh, my God! Wow! For someone so diminutive, she was amazing. Never have I been fucked like that before. Ho, ho, ho!"

Instead of having to euthanize so many cats and dogs, imagine if there were loving homes for every kitten and every puppy and no dog or cat had to be left abandoned and unwanted.

"Oh, look, Mommy, isn't he cute? Can we get him?"

"He is rather attractive, but I don't think your father would approve of my taking home Armando."

"Mother, really! I was talking about the dog and not the animal attendant."

Instead of children spending their Christmases in hospitals dying of the H1N1 and Leukemia, what if our doctors had cures that saved these children.

"The doctor said that if you took that pill, you'll miraculously get better and...you did. It's a miracle."

Instead of shipping men and women overseas to fight a war in Iraq and Afghanistan, what if the world was at peace and we could all spend the holidays with our families. What if we all just got along?

"Mommy, Daddy, Merry Christmas. I'm so glad you're home with us kids."

Instead of having to donate your money and time at the shelter, when you'd rather be at home with your family, what if there were no homeless, no one to feed, and no one went hungry not only during the holidays but every day?

"No, please, I insist. Take my food. I've had quite enough to eat during the year."

Instead of Christmas being too much about gifts and material things, wouldn't it be great if we concentrated more on the religious aspects of the holiday?

"Hey, where you going? You're going to miss the Christmas party."

"I'm going to church and you should forget the Christmas party and come along with me."

Instead of walking by someone who needs a helping hand, what if there really was such a thing as good will to men and to women not only during the holiday season, but every day?

"Really, I don't mind helping you with your load. I'm going that way anyway. Pass it on is my motto. In return for my kindness, maybe one day, you'll do someone a good deed."

God Bless America. This is my special prayer for peace.

Merry Christmas